"This
whole movement thing is actually quite useful." says
Miami resident Jeff Shoemen. "I've learned utilize the
plate shifting as a wake up call. I can feel the vibration
in the foundation of my home before sunrise. I don't even
need an alarm clock!"
Not all
of Florida's residents feel the same however. Although damage
reports are not frequent, billions of dollars have been spent
replacing damaged vehicles, building foundations, and settling
property disputes.
In 1999,
the YPL Science Foundation raised enough funding to launch a
satellite. After two years of dedicated research along with
the help of the infamous Lovetron,
a robot sent back in in time to help people with their romance
problems, the YPL Science Foundation has discovered the cause
of Florida's plate woes.
"Frankly,
it looks like a really, really big penis!" a laughing
Dr. Henry Dykstra declares. "I mean look at a map! Florida
dangles under the country, looking all flaccid like for most
of the day. The clues were right there in front of us. It
is bound to get some morning wood."
According
to the YPL Science Foundation, not only does Florida move to
an upright position - but it increases in size by over 30%!
Property lines, valleys, and rivers, all expand early in the
morning for a few hours before resuming it's natural flaccid
state.
Dr. Agarwal
explains:
"It's
quite simple. We believe that in the early morning, before
Florida regains consciousness, America's Wang is in a deep
dream state. We have theorized that he's having some erotic
dream; perhaps of pushing into the body of water between Africa
and Europe. Proponents of the tectonic plate theory believe
that at one time the seven continents were one. Perhaps America's
Wang is dreaming of some erotic experience from the past."
This scientific
discovery is rapidly gaining nationwide attention. Rumors of
everything from Disney's new theme park "Wang Land"
to Florida's illegitimate child, Australia, have surfaced since
the announcement in May 2001.
We've had
the good fortune to interview some residents of America's Wang.
Here's what they had to say:
"Now,
I'm no fag or anything. But I don't mind living on a big huge
penis. I mean, I sure won't kiss the ground or anything like
that but hey. I live on the biggest penis. Where do you live?"
- Jeff T.
"This
discovery is probably the best news I've heard in the history
of working for Trojan. As a company that prides itself on
the concept of safe sex, we've already begun development of
a huge condom." - Anonymous Engineer at Trojan.
"Yes
I'm a whore - so what. I bang a guy, I make a few bucks. But
hot damn! I'd give America's Wang a freebee! Can ya hear me
Florida!??? I'm wide open for you baby!" - 18 year old
Prostitute.
For more
information, please contact the YPL
Science Foundation.
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