Question: What sort of people buy Realdog?
Unmitigated freaks, that's who. No, no, we're only kidding. Realdog customers include futurists, artistes, art collectors, film-makers, scientists, veterinary professionals, lonely housewives -- you name it. We provide Realdogs to single men trying to score with chicks, couples seeking to fill their sad and empty lives, hipsters looking for exotic party favors, pet stores and mortuaries that want the ultimate display dog, or anyone else who desires to possess the world's most costly artificial dog.

Question: Can I have a catalog and/or more information mailed to me?
We don't offer a print catalog. All public information about Realdog is available exclusively on this web site.

Question: When will you offer a Realcat?
A Realcat will never be produced. Period. We're dog people, not cat people. Now quit asking.

Question: When will you offer a Realgerbil?
We are seeing some interest in a Realgerbil, but we're still trying to stop laughing about it long enough to make a decision. Let us know what you think.

Question: What is the price for a Realdog?
The Standard Realdog is $4,999. The Deluxe Realdog is substantially more, but you'll have to order one to find out the exact price which may vary. Shipping is $400 within continental Canada. Complete information about ordering can be found on our ORDERS page.

Question: I read that you offered a less expensive latex dog. Where can I buy it?
Our latex dogs have been discontinued. They were extremely difficult to fabricate, and very easy to "pop," leading to all sorts of unpleasant accidents. We will not resume fabricating latex dogs.

Question: Why do you charge so much for Realdog?
Because we can.

Question: Do you offer a payment plan?
Yes. The plan is simple: you pay us, you get a dog. What part of that do you not understand?

Question: Where else can I buy a Realdog?
Where else can you buy a Realdog? I don't understand you at all. I thought we had something special here. I thought you wanted to buy a dog from me. I'm really hurt. I can't believe you would even ask me such a mean thing. I'm getting a little too emotional here...Can we please, please talk about something else before I roll myself up into a little fetal ball and start to cry?

Question: Okay, how is the dog shipped?
Realdog is shipped by standard freight in a secure shipping crate which doubles as a spare doghouse. The crate has no latch and no combination lock, but it does have many cute pictures of the dog plastered to the sides, so you might want to have an excuse ready for your nosier neighbors. Inside the padded crate, the dog is strapped into a color coordinated dog nest.

Question: Can I customize the look of my dog? Can you sculpt a custom snout or likeness from a photo?
Realdog is a custom fabricated dog. You can select from a wide variety of colors and options on our ORDERS page. There are certain colors and features that just make us scratch our heads and wonder, so don't ask for them unless you have no shame. We don't design and sculpt new molds for single orders, but if you manage an AKC approved breed club, and are ordering a large quantity of dogs we might be willing to talk about it.

Question: I can't really picture what I want from the color selections. Can I supply a photograph, instead of detailing all of the dog's colors and options, etc.?
Yes. We can approximate coloring and fur styles from photos.

Question: Does the linty fur have a foul odor?
No. Realdog's fur is very nearly odorless. You can detect a very mild odor: Downy freshness.

Question: Does the linty fur have a foul flavor?
That all depends on which end of Realdog you lick.

Question: What if I don't fit with the dog's sex parts?
We're just going to avoid this question entirely. Next!

Question: Tell me more about the dog's entries.
We sell artificial dogs, not doggie doors. I believe they can be purchased at your local hardware store.

Question: Tell me more about Realdog's "suction effect."
No way José, that's for me to know and you to find out.

Question: Can the dog's mouth close? Can it bite you?
Realdog's mouth has internal armatures. They can close and grip, but they're not as strong as the average crackhound's.

Question: How tough are the dog's teeth? Can they rip through human flesh?
Realdog's teeth are made of solid titanium. Is that the answer you were looking for toughguy?

Question: Can the dogs stand upright, unsupported?
The four-legged Realdogs can, but the two-legged versions may encounter some difficulty.

Question: Can the dog support itself enough to do it "doggy" style?
So, you want two dogs now?

Question: Does the dog come naked or clothed?
Realdog is shipped clothed in a studded collar, matching leash, and an adorable little trenchcoat with a plaid neckerchief.

Question: I want to start shopping for my dog's clothes now, before it arrives. Is this advisable?
We recommend that you wait until your Realdog arrives so that you can familiarize yourself with the dog. We also recommend that you not dress Realdog in anything that would embarrass a real dog or the people you may pass on the street.

Question: Are there items of clothing which can actually damage the dog?
Dark clothing which is dyed with low quality dyes can stain the delicate linty fur if the dog is stored with these items on for great periods of time. Very tight or binding straps left on your dog over an extended period of time can form nasty dents in its flesh, much the way they do on a real dog, and please, don't ask us how we know this. Since Realdog is not sentient and has no sense of style it's fine to dress your dog in peculiar clothes, but don't store it in these types of clothing for extended periods of time. And don't show us any pictures of your cute little doggie outfits. We don't want to know.

Question: Can I get a big circle around my dog's eye, like Petey in The Little Rascals?
No, and by the way, where have you been? Living under a rock? The Little Rascals. For crying out loud. Haven't you ever heard of Spuds Mackenzie?

Question: Can you pierce the dog's ears, nipples, etc.?
Let's just put it this way: if you do try it Realdog will kick up a lot less of a fuss than that annoying poodle at grandma's house did.

Question: Is Realdog's fur glued on?
Realdog's fur is realistically embedded, one hair at a time, in an ancient and extremely tedious process that has driven better men than you to the brink of madness.

Question: Tell me more about the linty fur. What are its properties? What should I be aware of? What if I'm allergic to it?
The high grade of dryer lint we use for Realdog is also used by the Canadian movie special effects industry for make-up effects and for animatronic creatures. It has a high degree of fluffiness and resists matting. The specific formulation used by Realdog is a closely guarded secret. Please forget you asked, we'd hate to have to kill you. If you are allergic to your dog's fur go see your allergist, we'll already have your money.

Question: What is the lifespan of Realdog? Will it crack? Do I need to worry about dry rot or anything like that?
Realdog does not dry rot like ordinary taxidermied pets. Naugahide has the longest lifespan of any of the artificial leather fabrics. Five year shelf tests show less than 10% loss in properties. With proper care, Realdog should last many years.

Question: I want to bathe and shower with my dog. Is there anything I need to be careful about, like water temperature or duration?
Your Realdog will not wrinkle if left in water for extended periods of time, and it can withstand over 400 degrees of heat. The real question is: Can you take it?

Question: Can Kibble become trapped inside the dog?
No. Realdog's body is not hollow. Realdog is a SOLID artificial dog.

Question: Can I use my Realdog to torture real cats?
You can use Realdog to torture cats, however we recommend a pair of heavy duty gloves if said cat has not been declawed.

Question: Tell me more about Realdog's snout.
We use a special formulation of silicone which has a firm yet gelatinous consistency. This special silicone gel is used inside Realdog's snout to make it look and feel like a real snout. The silicone gel is cured silicone rubber and is completely dry -- not a liquid. Realdog's nose cannot leak, unless you stuff something gross up inside of it.

Question: Can you pull on its ears hard without fear of tearing them?
Yes, within reason. Realdog's ears can withstand approximately 1000% elongation before tearing.

Question: Can you pull the dog's tail?
Yes. Realdog's tail is extremely elastic and pliant. Besides, Realdog can't feel pain.

Question: Do you offer custom tail sizes?
No. Realdog's tail is not separately attached; it is a seamless part of the entire torso. In the future we may offer body types that feature different tails.

Question: How flexible is the dog?
Realdog's naugahide skin is extremely flexible and will sustain almost any reasonable position. There are some positions which are more stressful on both the naugahide flesh and the exoskeleton. Realdog cannot be "twisted into a pretzel," compressed into a tight fetal position, or squeezed into a small Gucci handbag.

Question: How strong are the dog's joints?
Realdog's exoskeleton is made from Space-Age alloys. It's very strong.

Question: What is the range of the dog's joints?
Realdog's joints have a very good range of movement -- about 360 degrees or even more, in most cases.

Question: How much weight can the dog support?
Realdog can safely support over 600 lbs. What were you planning to do with your dog anyway?

Question: Are there any known health risks? How clean are they and how difficult is it to keep them in a sanitary condition?
No one yet knows all of the health risks associated with Realdog. Each Realdog receives a thorough fluff and fold after fabrication. Keeping the dog in a sanitary condition is much easier than with any real dog. Realdog can be cleaned with a mild laundry detergent. Every Realdog comes with a cleaning kit and easy-to-follow instructions for care and use, and they never jump out of the sink and ruin the carpet.

Question: What happens when "the honeymoon is over" and I feel that the dog is not for me and wish to return it?
Although we'd like to fully satisfy all our customers, our firm policy is: ALL SALES ARE FINAL. All we can say is we're quite glad that a person like you isn't adopting a real puppy.

Question: Does my dog come with a warranty? What happens if it breaks?
What are you, planning a career as a serial killer? Realdog is very sturdy, but not meant to sustain extremely violent abuse. In the unlikely event of a tear in the naugahide flesh, you can easily repair the damage yourself with commercial grade silicone caulking, found at your local hardware store. Step by step instructions for such repair are included with your dog in Cantonese, Esperanto, and Hindi.

Question: Can I change my mind and cancel after I place an order?
Fabricating each Realdog is an investment of costly material and time. You cannot cancel your order after our sweatshop slaves have begun your dog's fabrication.

Question: Do you offer electronic or animatronic versions of Realdog?
Not at this time, but we hope to offer such dogs in the future.

Question: Do you sell just the head or torso, or any other body part, as separate items?
No. You're obviously a deeply troubled person.

Question: I'm a fursuited freak interested in a full body dogsuit. Can I buy a Realdog pelt or can you tell me where I can get a plush dogsuit?
We don't offer plush dogsuits and Realdog does not have a separate fur. Realdog is a solid artificial dog. To our knowledge, no company offers a fullbody dogsuit. A dogsuit would require a sophisticated cooling system (fur retains sweat and takes on a rancid odor), and would need to be custom-fitted to your body from a life-cast. We don't offer such services, we don't know anyone who does, and if we did we certainly wouldn't tell you.

Question: Do you have any rejects or used models I can buy for cheap?
No, and I'm not answering any more of your questions.

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