What sort of people buy Realdog?
Unmitigated freaks, that's who. No, no, we're only kidding. Realdog
customers include futurists, artistes, art collectors, film-makers,
scientists, veterinary professionals, lonely housewives -- you name
it. We provide Realdogs to single men trying to score with chicks, couples
seeking to fill their sad and empty lives, hipsters looking for exotic
party favors, pet stores and mortuaries that want the ultimate display
dog, or anyone else who desires to possess the world's most costly artificial
Question: Can I have a catalog and/or more
information mailed to me?
We don't offer a print catalog. All public information about Realdog
is available exclusively on this web site.
Question: When will you offer a Realcat?
A Realcat will never be produced. Period. We're dog people, not cat
people. Now quit asking.
Question: When will you offer a Realgerbil?
We are seeing some interest in a Realgerbil, but we're still trying
to stop laughing about it long enough to make a decision. Let us know
what you think.
Question: What is the price for a Realdog?
The Standard Realdog is $4,999. The Deluxe Realdog is substantially
more, but you'll have to order one to find out the exact price which
may vary. Shipping is $400 within continental Canada. Complete information
about ordering can be found on our ORDERS page.
Question: I read that you offered a less expensive
latex dog. Where can I buy it?
Our latex dogs have been discontinued. They were extremely difficult
to fabricate, and very easy to "pop," leading to all sorts
of unpleasant accidents. We will not resume fabricating latex dogs.
Question: Why do you charge so much for Realdog?
Because we can.
Question: Do you offer a payment plan?
Yes. The plan is simple: you pay us, you get a dog. What part of that
do you not understand?
else can I buy a Realdog?
Where else can you buy a Realdog? I don't understand you at
all. I thought we had something special here. I thought you wanted to
buy a dog from me. I'm really hurt. I can't believe you would
even ask me such a mean thing. I'm getting a little too emotional here...Can
we please, please talk about something else before I roll myself up
into a little fetal ball and start to cry?
how is the dog shipped?
Realdog is shipped by standard freight in a secure shipping crate which
doubles as a spare doghouse. The crate has no latch and no combination
lock, but it does have many cute pictures of the dog plastered to the
sides, so you might want to have an excuse ready for your nosier neighbors.
Inside the padded crate, the dog is strapped into a color coordinated
I customize the look of my dog? Can you sculpt a custom snout or likeness
from a photo?
Realdog is a custom fabricated dog. You can select from a wide variety
of colors and options on our ORDERS
page. There are certain colors and features that just make us scratch
our heads and wonder, so don't ask for them unless you have no shame.
We don't design and sculpt new molds for single orders, but if you manage
an AKC approved breed club, and are ordering a large quantity of dogs
we might be willing to talk about it.
Question: I can't
really picture what I want from the color selections. Can I supply a
photograph, instead of detailing all of the dog's colors and options,
Yes. We can approximate coloring and fur styles from photos.
Question: Does the linty fur have a foul odor?
No. Realdog's fur is very nearly odorless. You can detect a very mild
odor: Downy freshness.
Question: Does the linty fur have a foul flavor?
That all depends on which end of Realdog you lick.
if I don't fit with the dog's sex parts?
We're just going to avoid this question entirely. Next!
me more about the dog's entries.
We sell artificial dogs, not doggie doors. I believe they can be purchased
at your local hardware store.
Question: Tell me more about Realdog's "suction
No way Josť, that's for me to know and you to find out.
the dog's mouth close? Can it bite you?
Realdog's mouth has internal armatures. They can close and grip, but
they're not as strong as the average crackhound's.
tough are the dog's teeth? Can they rip through human flesh?
Realdog's teeth are made of solid titanium. Is that the answer you were
looking for toughguy?
the dogs stand upright, unsupported?
The four-legged Realdogs can, but the two-legged versions may encounter
the dog support itself enough to do it "doggy" style?
So, you want two dogs now?
the dog come naked or clothed?
Realdog is shipped clothed in a studded collar, matching leash, and
an adorable little trenchcoat with a plaid neckerchief.
Question: I want
to start shopping for my dog's clothes now, before it arrives. Is this
We recommend that you wait until your Realdog arrives so that you can
familiarize yourself with the dog. We also recommend that you not dress
Realdog in anything that would embarrass a real dog or the people you
may pass on the street.
Question: Are there items of clothing which
can actually damage the dog?
Dark clothing which is dyed with low quality dyes can stain the delicate
linty fur if the dog is stored with these items on for great periods
of time. Very tight or binding straps left on your dog over an extended
period of time can form nasty dents in its flesh, much the way they
do on a real dog, and please, don't ask us how we know this. Since Realdog
is not sentient and has no sense of style it's fine to dress your dog
in peculiar clothes, but don't store it in these types of clothing for
extended periods of time. And don't show us any pictures of your cute
little doggie outfits. We don't want to know.
Question: Can I get a big circle around my
dog's eye, like Petey in The Little Rascals?
No, and by the way, where have you been? Living under a rock? The Little
Rascals. For crying out loud. Haven't you ever heard of Spuds Mackenzie?
you pierce the dog's ears, nipples, etc.?
Let's just put it this way: if you do try it Realdog will kick up a
lot less of a fuss than that annoying poodle at grandma's house did.
Question: Is Realdog's fur glued on?
Realdog's fur is realistically embedded, one hair at a time, in an ancient
and extremely tedious process that has driven better men than you to
the brink of madness.
me more about the linty fur. What are its properties? What should I
be aware of? What if I'm allergic to it?
The high grade of dryer lint we use for Realdog is also used by the
Canadian movie special effects industry for make-up effects and for
animatronic creatures. It has a high degree of fluffiness and resists
matting. The specific formulation used by Realdog is a closely guarded
secret. Please forget you asked, we'd hate to have to kill you. If you
are allergic to your dog's fur go see your allergist, we'll already
have your money.
is the lifespan of Realdog? Will it crack? Do I need to worry about
dry rot or anything like that?
Realdog does not dry rot like ordinary taxidermied pets. Naugahide has
the longest lifespan of any of the artificial leather fabrics. Five
year shelf tests show less than 10% loss in properties. With proper
care, Realdog should last many years.
Question: I want
to bathe and shower with my dog. Is there anything I need to be careful
about, like water temperature or duration?
Your Realdog will not wrinkle if left in water for extended periods
of time, and it can withstand over 400 degrees of heat. The real question
is: Can you take it?
Kibble become trapped inside the dog?
No. Realdog's body is not hollow. Realdog is a SOLID artificial dog.
Question: Can I use my Realdog to torture real
You can use Realdog to torture cats, however we recommend a pair of
heavy duty gloves if said cat has not been declawed.
me more about Realdog's snout.
We use a special formulation of silicone which has a firm yet gelatinous
consistency. This special silicone gel is used inside Realdog's snout
to make it look and feel like a real snout. The silicone gel is cured
silicone rubber and is completely dry -- not a liquid. Realdog's nose
cannot leak, unless you stuff something gross up inside of it.
Question: Can you pull on its ears hard without
fear of tearing them?
Yes, within reason. Realdog's ears can withstand approximately 1000%
elongation before tearing.
you pull the dog's tail?
Yes. Realdog's tail is extremely elastic and pliant. Besides, Realdog
can't feel pain.
Question: Do you offer custom tail sizes?
No. Realdog's tail is not separately attached; it is a seamless part
of the entire torso. In the future we may offer body types that feature
flexible is the dog?
Realdog's naugahide skin is extremely flexible and will sustain almost
any reasonable position. There are some positions which are more stressful
on both the naugahide flesh and the exoskeleton. Realdog cannot be "twisted
into a pretzel," compressed into a tight fetal position, or squeezed
into a small Gucci handbag.
Question: How strong are the dog's joints?
Realdog's exoskeleton is made from Space-Age alloys. It's very strong.
Question: What is the range of the dog's joints?
Realdog's joints have a very good range of movement -- about 360 degrees
or even more, in most cases.
Question: How much weight can the dog support?
Realdog can safely support over 600 lbs. What were you planning to do
with your dog anyway?
there any known health risks? How clean are they and how difficult is
it to keep them in a sanitary condition?
No one yet knows all of the health risks associated with Realdog. Each
Realdog receives a thorough fluff and fold after fabrication. Keeping
the dog in a sanitary condition is much easier than with any real dog.
Realdog can be cleaned with a mild laundry detergent. Every Realdog
comes with a cleaning kit and easy-to-follow instructions for care and
use, and they never jump out of the sink and ruin the carpet.
happens when "the honeymoon is over" and I feel that the dog
is not for me and wish to return it?
Although we'd like to fully satisfy all our customers, our firm policy
is: ALL SALES ARE FINAL. All we can say is we're quite glad that a person
like you isn't adopting a real puppy.
Question: Does my dog come with a warranty?
What happens if it breaks?
What are you, planning a career as a serial killer? Realdog is very
sturdy, but not meant to sustain extremely violent abuse. In the unlikely
event of a tear in the naugahide flesh, you can easily repair the damage
yourself with commercial grade silicone caulking, found at your local
hardware store. Step by step instructions for such repair are included
with your dog in Cantonese, Esperanto, and Hindi.
Question: Can I change my mind and cancel after
I place an order?
Fabricating each Realdog is an investment of costly material and time.
You cannot cancel your order after our sweatshop slaves have begun your
Question: Do you offer electronic or animatronic
versions of Realdog?
Not at this time, but we hope to offer such dogs in the future.
Question: Do you sell just the head or torso,
or any other body part, as separate items?
No. You're obviously a deeply troubled person.
a fursuited freak interested in a full body dogsuit. Can I buy a Realdog
pelt or can you tell me where I can get a plush dogsuit?
We don't offer plush dogsuits and Realdog does not have a separate fur.
Realdog is a solid artificial dog. To our knowledge, no company offers
a fullbody dogsuit. A dogsuit would require a sophisticated cooling
system (fur retains sweat and takes on a rancid odor), and would need
to be custom-fitted to your body from a life-cast. We don't offer such
services, we don't know anyone who does, and if we did we certainly
wouldn't tell you.
Question: Do you have any rejects or used models
I can buy for cheap?
No, and I'm not answering any more of your questions.