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Advice Archive #9
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Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000 There's a guy I work with that I really like and want to ask out- what's the easiest way to ask, without sounding to blunt or stupid? Dear Human: None. Sound and blunt and stupid. If he likes you, it won't matter. My 29 year old friend is having sex with an 18 year old girl, is that o.k.? Dear Human: Well, it is the age of majority. I'm living with a girl and her two sisters are in town staying with us. The hard part is that her sisters are both hotter than her and they're flirting with me. More than just flirting... practically lap dancing at times. What can I do without screwing up my relationship with the first sister? Dear Human: Keep your hands to yourself. Biatch, are you for real? Dear Human: True dat, g-dawg. My girlfriend is far too sexy and sweet for me. She is just perfect. I love her too much. What should I do? Dear Human: You don't really have a problem. Stop whining. my girlfriend is a serious little bitch. I am unable to break up with her out of fear that it will be too much trouble, with the stalking and crap talking behind my back. what should I do? Dear Human: Move. If I like to have sex with dead chicks, where can I get the best deal on shovels? Also, what color roses do women love, would dead women like dead roses? Dear Human: Most hardware stores have pretty good deals on shovels. Dead women probably like anything you give them. You weirdo. why are girls afraid of my enormously large nose? Dear Human: It's a Freudian thing. Women fear my enormormous prosthetic arm Dear Human: Put a Hello Kitty sticker on it. Can't have sex right now and don't know what else to do. Dear Human: Read a book. She's maried. What can I do? Dear Human: Back away. why cant i perform under pressure Dear Human: Many men can't, in fact, this is called 'performance anxiety'. Don't worry, it's perfectly normal. Unless, of course, you meant 'under pressure' in the sense that you're underwater or something. i cant please my lady Dear Human: Try harder. Haha. Double entendre. she says my unit is too big- what should i do? Dear Human: There is nothing you can do to change the size of your genitalia. Despite what the makers of various pumps and whatnots would have you believe. What's the secret to being best friends with an ex-girlfriend who you're still in love with? Dear Human: Here's the secret: You can't. There's a girl who ignores me when other people are around but wants me to be her best friend when it's just us. What's wrong with her? Dear Human: Maybe she's embarassed about liking you. Are you a big slob? I like masterbating on my roommate while he sleeps? is that weird? Dear Human: Sort of. I was wondering how you can tell whether your cat loves you. I kiss my ca sometimes and she doen't seem to mind. Please tell me how you can tell whether your cat loves you. Dear Human: A rule of thumb with cats is that if they don't attack you on sight, then you're okay with them. Cats never love you, though. Cats only love themselves. me and my girlfriend just broke up. should i try to get her back or just move on, even though i kinda have because its been over a month. Dear Human: Well then. The answer is staring you in the face. can't find no love ah can't get no satisfaction Dear Human: And you're stealing lyrics, you crazy person you! my girlfriend and i have been going out for 6 months, and having sex quite frequently. just the other day though, she stuck her finger up my arse and asked me where the poo was. is this normal or should we seek counselling (or men in white coats)? Dear Human: That's really weird. penis so big i faint when i get a hard-on Dear Human: That's such a funny mental image. everytime i get in a relationship with someone and then something goes wrong i avoid talking to them as much as possible and if i do have to see them i start talking in riddles and things. is this abnormal and contributing to me not being able to find another girlfried? by the way, all my ex-girlfriends are crazy (seriously). Dear Human: Yes, it is abnormal. Seek help. I love my partner and tell her so. But she wont say she loves me back. What should i do? Dear Human: Be patient, then trick her into saying it. why does my dog so sexually attracted to my shins? Dear Human: Maybe you smell good. I'm in love with a girl here in college, but she has a boyfriend back home. Right now we're friends but I love her alot. Should I tell her or should I just keep these feelings to myself? Dear Human: Keep it to yourself, bucko. You're asking for trouble. one time my girlfriend came to visit me from texas to virginia. when she opened her bags she was surprised because apparently her mother had taken all of her sort of sexy clothes and replaced them with knit sweaters. how am i supposed to interpret this as her boyfriend? at first i thought her mom was crazy but then i thought that the story was too crazy and decided that my girlfriend must be making up the story because she is weird. am wrong to be telling this to a robot? Dear Human: Maybe she is weird, but crazier things have happened. And if you can't tell a robot, who can you tell? i need some pussy Dear Human: Go and find some, then. And if you can't, it can be had at fairly reasonable prices. My girlfriend can be hard-headed & stubborn at times. What can I do to soften up her attitude? Dear Human: Nothing. there's this guy in the army that I've been fuck-buddies with for a few years now, whether we've had relationships or not. while he's been overseas, I've met an fallen in love with a guy, and I don't want to cheat on him. how do I tell my army friend? Dear Human: Just tell him. There's no magical formula or anything. I have a crush on someone 12 years younger than me. Dear Human: Depending on how old you are, good for you, or that's illegal. unable to consider other insects on this planet are human and therefore cannot hold meaningful relationship with them. Dear Human: Well, there's your problem right there. Girls treat me like I'm a steaming pile of whale vomit. What can I do? Dear Human: A steaming pile of whale vomit? I can't help you. will katy dump her boyfriend soon and date me? Dear Human: Maybe. i have a lot of problems! please help! Dear Human: But, of course, you aren't going to tell me what any of those problems are. I got lost on the subway three weeks ago, and have been unable to fine my way home. Dear Human: Darn. I am naked Dear Human: Good for you. My wife wants to kille me, what hsould I do? Dear Human: Run for your life. I seem to be having sex with fat girls. Is that so wrong? Dear Human: No, in fact, cool guy Freddie Mercury actively encouraged seeking out fat girls. So there you go. My wife won't give me head. What should I do? Dear Human: Give it to her first. Humans have very peculiar mannerisms. I forget about them sometimes, but lately they have been piquing my curiosity. Could you explain to me why I am supposed to feel this so called "attraction" to them. I seem to be lacking some significant knowledge about this phenomenon. If you are unsure about this, could you please provide some details about how I may capture one of them in order to study it. Thanks in advance. Dear Human: Well, I would, but you're scary. I've had at least two girlfriends in the past few years. They've all dumped me or we've broken up before our first date. Is there something I can do other than become a monk? Dear Human: Keep trying, I guess. Become a nun. Haha. nowhere to meet women Dear Human: One out of every two people is a woman. You're not looking hard enough. I like roman showers, but can't find anyone to give them Dear Human: Take out an advertisement. My girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. What am I to do? Dear Human: Well, it looks like you're either going to be having sex all the time or dumping her. i dont have one Dear Human: One what? You suck! Dear Human: Up yours. i cant get laid, what can i do Dear Human: Wear plastic wrap. I miss her Dear Human: Why aren't you still with her, then? Are you dumb? Back to the main Lovetron 5000 page! |