 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Advice Archive #8
|
|
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000 She is lonely, what should I do? Dear Human: Go and be with her, you putz. My boyfriend doesn't want to continue our relationship after graduation. Dear Human: Well, why not? Why don't women like the taste of cum, in general? Dear Human: Think about it... it's sort of gross. Distance. Dear Human: And? I can not find a woman Dear Human: How hard are you looking? I want to have anal sex but my wife doesnt. What should I do? Dear Human: Stop trying so hard. I have a very small and often limp winky Dear Human: WINKY! HA HA HA!! i am tired too often, because i am old Dear Human: Start exercizing regularly. That'll get your blood flowing. My dog humps my leg, arm, whatever she can get ahold of. Should I get her another dog to help fix this problem and if so should it be a boy or girl dog? Dear Human: Boy dog, I think. Unless you're into dog lesbians. I'm in love with this girl.. she used to be in love with me.. But I broke up with her.. then we got back together she broke up with me... now she's with lots of guys.. I havn't had a lot of long relationships since her. I go to school about 2 hours away now.. and we've always lived about an hour apart.. what should I do. Dear Human: Stop obessing about it and move on. I am in love with a young man who is a bit of a boy scout... that is he won't put out. He want to "get to know me first" (but I can feel his body saying other things) while I wait for him to melt is it wrong to make love to this other guy on the side to satisfy my need? Dear Human: Yes. I'm in love with a blind man. How do I get him to notice me? Dear Human: It is said that when you are blind, your other senses become more acute. Like your sense of touch, hint hint. He is rich, Royality from India I have no dowery.. how do I win his love? Dear Human: I don't know. Not enough sex Dear Human: Have more, then. What should I do to get more sex? Dear Human: See above. My lover says she is leaving me. How can I get over her? I love her very much. Dear Human: Drink heavily. No, no, actually, remember this: Time heals all wounds. my girlfriend isn't down with going down! (or being gone down on.) What up? Dear Human: Some people just don't like it. my wife loves to put her fist in the dogs ass... what do i do Dear Human: Make sure she washes her hand, at least. cant get it up Dear Human: At all, or just recently? Maybe you need one of those pneumatic pump things. what do u want? Dear Human: Every Annie Lennox album every produced. i'm scared to death of women. the ones i'm not afraid to talk to i don't find attractive. how do i get into a relationship if i'm afraid of the ladies?!?! Dear Human: Maybe you should try men. should i stick a long-distance relationship out? Dear Human: If it's worth it, yes. I'd like to start off saying this isn't a joke. I've really been wanting to see a doctor about this for 2 days, but I live in a small town where word gets around fast, and id probably be seeing a doctor that knows my parents/family and spends his/her offtime gossiping to random people. Me and my boyfriend (Yes, im gay.) prefer sex with a condom, except I noticed when he would get done with me, I would never see the condom again, I always assumed he took it with him to the bathroom and flushed it. Well, that wasn't the case. Now I can't use the bathroom (#2) and im pretty sure I have a few condoms 'clogging' my system up. I've tried everything I could think of, any ideas? Dear Human: You should probably see a doctor immediately. Even if you have to drive to another town. Last week i was masterbating and well my parents were coming up the stairs , so quickly i dumped my penis into my fishbowl to wash it off and hopped in bed the next morning i found that my guppie was pregnant. is that because of my sperm got into the tank , or could it be as a result that i have regular intercourse with the fish (btw i do wear a condom) Dear Human: I'd say it would be the sperm in the tank, as you do use a condom. I have a lot of friends that are girls, but when I try to establish a relationship with one of them they just think its "Cute" and act as if I'm joking. I think robots are cute too. Dear Human: Maybe you should make it perfectly obvious that you're not joking. As for robots, since we don't live in an age where robots are walking around on the streets, I don't think that's going to help you. There are all these women around, but I really don't know what to do? Should I choose one and go for her, or what? Dear Human: That's the idea. Girls dont like my wacky b grade humour. Dear Human: Then stop doing it. no girl friend Dear Human: And why not? Are you even trying? Girlfriends don't just happen, you know. I believe I am living in another solar dimension, possessed by the devil. Dear Human: What, you're possessed by the devil, or the dimension is possessed by the devil? I am a very attractive 21 year old virgin! What the hell is wrong with me? Dear Human: Nothing. My girl suffered a run of bad luck recently, losing both job and home. Now she ignores me, and I want to help. What can I do Dear Human: Well, if she's ignoring you even when you want to help, then she's letting pride blind her. That, or she doesn't like you. How Come? Dear Human: How come what? I've been together with my boyfriend for only 2 months(I've known him for 2 years), but I know I love him. I'm worried that if I tell him, it'll scare him away. What do you think I should do? Dear Human: Get him to say it first. i have no relationship. Dear Human: Stop surfing the internet and go out and meet people, then. I like another woman. She is not my girlfriend. What do I do? Dear Human: You've got two options, as I see it: Cheat, or: Don't Cheat. All my wife ever wants to do is make babies. How can I get her to just make love? Dear Human: Wear a condom! Haha. this girl I've been kissing on had this other boy take her to the airport, and not me. what does it all mean? she still kisses on me. Dear Human: Maybe it was just more convenient. I have a ten pound cock. Dear Human: What, did you cut it off to weigh it? My girlfriend seems unattracted to me, especialy when I am going through a purple spruce tree phase. Mostly she puts up with my being a duck, but then thats understandable. Also, I have been begining to find her poodle a pest. I think it gave me a rash. The rash is affecting my performance. What should I do to the poodle? Dear Human: I think the question you should really be asking yourself is: What happened to my pills? is it possible to stay in love with someone for more than 3 years? Dear Human: Certainly. Is it okay to just slap it around a little? What about in public? Dear Human: As a general rule, it's okay to do a bit of 'package adjustment' in public, but you don't want to go much beyond that. my girlfriend spends too much time worrying about cash and is a bit too focused on the negatives of a given situation Dear Human: She needs to lighten up. But you already knew that. My husband and I are crackheads but he just got laid off. I have become a whore so we can support our drug habit. Is it still considered a sin in the eyes of God? Even if my husband acts as my pimp? Is there crack in heaven or in hell? Dear Human: I wouldn't know. I have no girlfriend Dear Human: Didn't I already deal with this? Go out and find one! They don't line up for interviews! Sometimes, I wonder if my girlfriend prefers women to men. Should I encourage this fantasy? Dear Human: If that's what floats your boat. Have not got any lately, getting older. :( Dear Human: Bummer. how do i get sex on a stick? Dear Human: Is this a trick question? We don't shag as much as I'd like. And she won't give me a blow job. Dear Human: You may have an overactive libido. I Have a really great sex life, but i find myself thinking all the time during sex of your'e website and not about m girlfriend, what can i do? Dear Human: Download the Lovetron 5000 graphic, and using some image editing software, paste a picture of your girlfriend's head overtop. I have a very large penis i think, but noone else seems to think so, what can i do? Dear Human: Wear a sign around your neck that says, "I have a very large penis." I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, but recently her best friend and i have started making eyes at each other. Should i try to convince my girlfriend to have a menage a trois, or would this invariably result in disaster? Dear Human: I won't say it would invariably result in disaster, but I'm not giving you good odds. a total lack of women Dear Human: Where? I have never had a sexual relationship, and now have met a wonderful young woman who wants me to engage in sexual acts with her and her best friend and im not sure whether im ready for it. What can i do? Dear Human: Say to yourself, "Self, let's rock and roll." Back to the main Lovetron 5000 page! |