Advice Archive #7
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



My wife takes pleasure in stripping me naked and leading me around the shopping mall on a leash. How can I tell her that this is inapropriate without having to endure her wrath?

Dear Human:
Leave her a little note with a bouquet of roses. Women love roses.


What do you think this statement best means, "I was thinking of you the other day"?

Dear Human:
I think it means, "I was thinking of you the other day."


Small penis

Dear Human:
Not my fault.


My husbands willy is too energetic for me

Dear Human:
Get him to hold a packet of frozen corn against it for a while, that'll slow it down.


I'm infatuated with a co-worker. So is he with me. But I'm married. P.S. you crack me up!

Dear Human:
Thank you. I try my humble best. Also: either cheat on your spouse or just ignore this guy. Frankly, the amount of cheating people who ask for justification of their two-timing ways is staggering.


I think I am really pretty and all but it seems the people never ask me out....

Dear Human:
Maybe they don't think you're pretty.


i got my ash tree pregnant

Dear Human:
That's a new one.


I recently had a bad relationship with a Russian. Sould I let it bother me since she has moved 9,877 miles away.

Dear Human:
No.


He doesn't have enough time for me. I don't want things to change but I need more attention. What can I do?

Dear Human:
In many of these situations, the solution is simple: stop wearing pants.


i don't have a relationship. How do i get one??

Dear Human:
Relationships, like bacteria, are easy to pick up almost anywhere. I suggest you try a singles bar.


my girl won't bend over backwards for me...not even in bed...how cum she won't?

Dear Human:
Some girls just don't like it doggie style.


I'm in love with a girl who doesn't love me. I don't wanna tell her how I feel, since it might ruin our friendship. What should I do ?

Dear Human:
Shut up and compress your emotions to a hard, stony point inside you. Or, on the other hand, tell her.


A guy wants to take things slow, so he won't get hurt again, but I don't really want to, what should I do??

Dear Human:
Stop wearing pants.


should i ask out ashley, kim, brooke or monique and is chilis a great place to meet women.

Dear Human:
I say Ashley but only because I like that name. And no, Chili's is probably not a great place to meet women.


Help...I can't give it away.

Dear Human:
What are we talking about here? Because if we're talking about, say, herpes, then no, obviously you wouldn't be able to.


how do i decided which gril to be wit?

Dear Human:
LEARN TO SPELL, THAT'S HOW!


My parents and her parents are getting in the way of the engagement! help?

Dear Human:
Parents, I think, often feel a protective need to be involved in the last moments of their children's lives before those children go out into the world and start a new life. You could always elope.


What?

Dear Human:
What?


my girlfriend goes back to college soon and says we should break up, because she is going to have to much work to be able to see me, i know that she wont have any more work than last year and will have plenty of time to see me. She loves me very much, i know this because she told me so. She has no reason to lie, and i know for a fact that she is very happy with me, and the last thing she wants is to break up. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AND WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO!!??!!

Dear Human:
Maybe she's a bisexual and wants to walk the other side of the street. If you know what I mean.


I've been goin out with this chick for 4 months now. We have sex ALOT. She cums more then 6 times... but after 3 hours of fine sexing i still don't cum... got any advice on how to help me out?

Dear Human:
Start thinking about something really dirty, in my experience, that works every time. For instance, you might want to think about Japanese schoolgirl golden shower pornography. As an example.


This man I met on the internet a year ago I fell in love with..ooops I'am now going through a divorce and we see alot of each other now, he told me he loved me, ooops again, and now says its to early to say things like this...well you already said it you retard and he's saying take it one day at a time I think he just wants to be fuck buddies forever..not looking for marriage but want some kind of commitment from him!!! what is he so scared of?? I wash everyday and brush my teeth so don't even go there pal! must be a man thing right?

Dear Human:
As far as I am concerned, Internet relationships rarely pan out. As an example, take the time when Tom, who works at YPL, was posing as a 14-year old girl on IRC - it only brought tears. Some guy broke Tom's innocent heart.


I knocked up my girlfriend and now she wants to marry me but I am fucking some other bitch.

Dear Human:
I bet you feel pretty stupid, don't you?


i like thig chick but her sister likes me?

Dear Human:
Is her sister hot?


I hardly ever see my boyfriend and when i don't see him for a long period of time i don't like him and don't want him around, but when i'm with him for a lil while i start likin him again. I don't know what to do.

Dear Human:
It doesn't seem to me like you've really got a problem. I mean, if you like him when you're with him, what's the big deal?


My Boyfriend is way too honest. If i asked him if i look fat in a dress he'll say YES CHANGE. Girls have feelings too and he just doesn't know when to tell white lies! i mean they're fine with me if they keep me from feeling bad. We always fight about it and he says he's sorry but he'll just do it again. Should i stay with him if he makes me feel bad?

Dear Human:
No.


Its a long distance relationship, and currently we are meeting on holidays and such, about every 3-4 months. Id meet more but plane tickets are expensive, and my studies don't allow that much more time. Do I need to fly down more, or could I get away with less. I love her dearly and we will be together as soon as I graduate, but tickets are so much ahh! PS why does your head look like its screwing your box body?

Dear Human:
Why doesn't she come and see you more often, riddle me that! The 'bobbing head' image is an angle thought up by a publicity agency for me which I am contractually obligated to display.


i have a boyfriend whom i love very much. However, i met a guy that I like a lot. The problem? I have a boyfriend and the other guy has a girlfriend. He's told me he likes me a lot. But he's always all over his girlfriend. I want to break up with my boyfriend for him but the risk is too big. What do you think?

Dear Human:
You said it yourself, 'the risk is too big'. So why are you even asking me?



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