Advice Archive #6
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



my ex almost soon b-f. is so paranoid. he thinks things i dont do. and then he says i think things he does. he says he love me but hten he treats me bad. adn i am confused. cuz then why does he acts so selfish, mean.

Dear Human:
I'm confused too.


He spends too much time on the computer

Dear Human:
Tell him it's you or the computer. And tell him while you're naked.


i like two guys they are best friends i don't know which one to choose.i've tried writing out their good and bad points but they are identical please help!!

Dear Human:
Flip a coin.


I have been dating this guy for 3 months now I have known him since april. Well he says he hopes we're together for a long long time to come. My problem is I fell in love with him, shocked the hell out of me when I realized it ...well he knows this now i'm not one to hide my feelings, his response to me is he's not ready to move to that level yet, we have both had bad past relationships and he's not actually divorced yet though he hasn't saw his wife in 2 yrs, I am the first woman he's even dated since the split. Lately we haven't had time to be together much because of our work schedules but he called last night and said just wanted to let you know i've been thinking about you and miss you. Do you think there is a chance for this relationship?

Dear Human:
Yes. But you've got some issues to work out. Your grammar, for instance, is horrible.


Every time i find myself wanting to pursue a relationship with a woman, somehow i ALWAYS end up in "the friend zone", as i call it, they all see me as some kind of brother, or "too good of a friend to mess up the relationship" WHAT CAN I DO?!?!?!? (To escape this pattern that is..)

Dear Human:
Tell them that their brother wants to have sex with them. Haha. That'd be funny.


my ass hurts?

Dear Human:
How should I know?


why do men always end up totally psychotic during any form of relationship with me???

Dear Human:
Not knowing you personally, I couldn't really say. Maybe it's your breath.


I rencently found out my g/f is a slut, my boss is treating me like shit, I am in terrible financial strains, and my law school application got rejected. I have feelings of intense rage like nothing I've eve felt before. What should I do about it?

Dear Human:
KILL!! KIIILLLLL!!!! Haha, just kidding. Relax.


My wife thinks I buy too many CDs. She also wants to continue getting cable when I want to cancel it. What should we do?

Dear Human:
I feel you are in an excellent bargaining position. If you stop buying CDs, then you get to cancel cable. If you keep buying CDs, your wife keeps cable. Tada.


i really really like this guy......i can't get him out of my mind. we got into this really bad fight about a month ago.....and we haven't talked since. he won't even talk to me. but i think i really love him, but he isn't the type of guy who takes kindly knowing that one of his fuck buddies accidentely fell in love with him. how do i get him to talk to me again? i call and he tells his mom to tell me hes' in the shower.....but i hear him telling her. so how do i get him to feel the same way? i know there is something between us, but i think that he is scared to admit it. HELP!!!

Dear Human:
'Accidentally fell in love'. Oi.


Jeremy won't sleep with me!

Dear Human:
Oh no.


i can't find a woman anywhere to love me! I am a frequent masturbator and can't help just grabbing hold of myself and whacking off! How can i stop this and find myself a true girlfriend, preferably not of the cold blooded style?

Dear Human:
There's plenty out there. If you can keep your hands off yourself, you could probably find one.


my girlfriend of 2 years has left to visit her family out of town. But she is now planning to live there for a while but still wants to go out but I miss her terribly and it is driving me insane. How can I get her to come home? or should I just say fuck it?

Dear Human:
Take a chill pill.


Why don't they all swallow?

Dear Human:
For variety.


alright i've started going out with this grl after our mutual friend helped set us up. problem is I think i'm starting to fall for our mutual friend instead. i talk to her a lot more than my girlfriend and we're a lot closer. what should i do?

Dear Human:
Well, if you can think of a good way to do it, blow off your would-be girlfriend, I suppose.


I like a guy and I don't know if he likes me. I'm afraid to ask him anything because he is really shy. I have known him just over a week. Do you think i should wait for a while longer before asking him out, or not bother asking him out and see if he comes to me? I don't know what to do.

Dear Human:
Good things come to those who wait. Apparently. Maybe just go ahead and ask him.


i dated this guy for two months once and we became very close but it didn't work out because he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with a woman right now because he was confused and so i went out with another guy but i always had feelings for the first guy, and remained best friends with him. well i told a secret about the first guy to the second guy (my current boyfriend) and if the first guy knew i told the second guy the secret he would never speak to me again. i recently found out the first guy wants to get back together with me, and i want to but if i break up with the second guy he will tell the first guy that i told his secret. what should i do?

Dear Human:
You're a moron. Live in shame.


i have this really bad underwear fetish.it's gotten to the point where i wont where white undies.is this a problem?

Dear Human:
There's other colours of underwear. Don't beat yourself up over it.


My girlfriend thinks i shouldn't use my sock as a condom. But i don't want to take it off because it's so fuzzy and warm.

Dear Human:
Your girlfriend is one smart cookie! Cotton doesn't have nearly the contraceptive power of latex.


If your so advanced why do you have antennas and constantly gyrate?

Dear Human:
That's just my public persona, as you may know, I'm actually a giant cabinet full of circuitry.


My sister keeps asking me to lick off her perspiration. I don't want to. I tell her no, she keeps asking. I am afraid she may get worse - what should I do?

Dear Human:
Ignore her. She's weird.


I can't hardly stand men for anything except sex - which makes it difficult to get laid because you actually need to establish some sort of social intercourse before the sexual kind...what do you suggest? Besides the 'advertise and wear plastic wrap' biz...I anxiously await your response!

Dear Human:
There is no answer besides 'wear plastic wrap'.


Dear Lovetron, Me and my girlfriend are in love. She and I have great Oral sex, but she wont have intercourse with me b/c of religion, she's still a virgin, and believes she should be till marriage.. How do I get her past this? (without marrying her)

Dear Human:
Tell her Jesus told you to have sex with her. Haha. Actually, no, don't do that.


My cat looks more and more attractive recently...am I turning into a pussy lover??

Dear Human:
Oh, ha ha.


I am having these strange desires towards my beagle pepper, is this normal?

Dear Human:
No.


So I started having sex with my girlfriend, and she's really tight! Every time. Is this chick gonna loosen up, or is my dick just too damn big? :) If she never loosens up, that's fine with me, I just want advance notice.

Dear Human:
Despite popular belief, the vaginal passage does not become 'stretched out' with usage. You're just going to have to live with it.


i really like this guy, and i told him that, but he told me that he can't tear himself away from this girl....the only catch is that she already has a b/f, and he actually thinks that he is happy with her, but i have known her for almost 4 years.......and she is playing him bad, including her ACTUAL b/f. how do i get this guy to realize it...........and how do i get him to notice me more then just a fuck-buddy? please help!!!

Dear Human:
If I could figure out what you were talking about, then maybe I could help you. Work on your grammar skills and then we'll talk.


Well i am not sure if this is a real problem--but i guess if i am asking you then it must be huh Well i am a very expressive person, i love to tell my boyfriend how i feel about him and all, but since his past was a little rough, he isn't very expressive. for example i told him that i felt that he didn't tell me enough how he feels, he said that when he was growing up, he never had an opinion, his words didn't matter, and his father was strict like that. so therefore he isn't a very expressive person. I understand that, but yet, i wish that he would tell me you know?? ANd it scares me sometimes that he doesnt' tell me and i tell him all the time--becuase i fear that i do it too much. but what do you expect when you are the expressive one, and your partner just answers "me too". Is is just going to take time for him to open up to me? i just feel like i am always wondering you know?/ i KNOW he likes/ cares about me, but i need some extra comfort every now and then. SORRY SO LONG. :)

Dear Human:
Yes, it will take time. People, like butterflies, often have to carefully emerge from their chrysali to avoid being injured. And people, too, like butterflies, often get smashed against the windshield of cars. Metaphorically speaking.


i like this girl. and we always hold each other and look each other in the eyes. i want to ask her out but im not sure if i should. What are some signs that would help me know if she like me?

Dear Human:
The fact that you're holding each other and looking into each others' eyes would be a pretty good indication, if you ask me.


well i am obsessed with alot of guys but none of them seem interested how do i get them in the sack

Dear Human:
Advertise, wear only plastic wrap.


my friends keep flirting with the guys i like -should i just get with their guys and call it even?

Dear Human:
If by 'get' with them, you mean engage in sexual intercourse, then no. That would only lead to tears.


i just recently broke up with my boyfried and was deeply depressed until i meet one of his good friends and know i have a crush on him but he has a girlfriend and i think that i still have feeling for my ex how do i fuck his friend or my ex?

Dear Human:
Give yourself a few days to cool off. You're way too involved. And horny.


Is there something wrong with the fact that I enjoy eating human feces as a turn on?

Dear Human:
Terribly, terribly wrong.


dear love the girl i am going out with is in love with another who is gay what should i do?

Dear Human:
Whoa, you mean she's a lesbian? Cool. Oh wait, or do you mean the guy she is in love with is gay? Well, that's more complicated. Although if he is gay, just wait it out.


I was in love with my wife's niece. Still might be? Should I tell her?

Dear Human:
No. In fact, stop thinking about it. You're just going to mess things up.


I'm getting a divorce from my wife. She's moved back home with her mom, but now I miss her and realize that I've made a mistake. Do you think she'll come back to me?

Dear Human:
No. Never.


i like this girl, but i dont know if she likes me

Dear Human:
Then ask her, dope!


When i shave my nutsack my girlfriend says its too smooth when it bangs against her ass, she says she likes it hairy, but i like it when its shaved. What should i do?

Dear Human:
Simple solution: glue some velcro to your testicles.


Yo luv-tron wazzzzzup? I have a comp joke for u(will u get it) Why did Windows Me become a jail guard? Cause it wuz allways locking up! yuk-yuk ;) Do u think chicks would like flames on a pacer wagon? if so-what colour?!?

Dear Human:



MY friend introduced me to this girl and we've been talkin for a while now and i know she wants me to ask her out but i want to do it in person and havent had the chance yet. Now, the friend that introduce us (who knows i like her) asked her out! Should i just ask her out now before something bad happens?

Dear Human:
Sure, what've you got to lose?


if i'm a real man, how do i know what a real woman looks ike?

Dear Human:
Just take yourself and add breasts.


if my girlfriend has the eyes of an angel and the patience of a saint, what have they got of hers?

Dear Human:
Ha ha. No, really, ha ha.


My friend Daryl is gay, but wants to be a U.S. Marine. I know all about don't ask, don't tell, but I really want to 'cause I think it's funny. Do you think that it might make Daryl Moody?

Dear Human:
Sorry, I'm still laughing over this one. At least, I would laugh, if I weren't a computer from the future. A U.S. Marine! HA HA HA HA!!


Too many girls want me. Should I just have sex with all of them?

Dear Human:
Sure, the worse that can happen is that you can all get gonnorhea and die.


My g/f of a year says she needs space and has moved out, which is too bad because the sex was great, what do i do to get her back?

Dear Human:
Get a bigger place.


Dear Lovetron5000, I think I am gay, when i am at home wacking off to my favorite porno, lately I have found myself watching the guys. Should I go ahead an do some experimenting?

Dear Human:
By all means.


If love is blind.... and God is love.... does the make Ray Charles, God

Dear Human:
Probably. But then again, no.


Why do u only update on the weekends,do u run the street lights during the week? Should i go out with a chick that works at a fast food place? Could u tell me the winning #'s for the next lotto draw,i'll split it with u.Don't tell me u couldn't use a bigger h/d!

Dear Human:
During the week I run the YPL Strategic Missile Defense System. The girl that works at the fast food place isn't looking for love, I'm sure. My storage space can already hold 152 petabytes of information. Despite the copious amounts of pornography the YPL staff downloads, I still have plenty left over.


My boyfriend thinks I'm over-sexed....is five times a day too much??

Dear Human:
Only if you're getting sore.


My boyfriend is the sweetest thing that walked the earth. He's honest, and he loves me dearly. He's been cheated on so many times though, that he lacks trust in me. He constantly tells me in arguements that I'm going to mess up our relationship someday. But my morals go against all of it. I love him dearly, I'd never cheat on him. How can I make him see that in a long distance relationship?

Dear Human:
First of all, don't send him pictures of you with another guy. That would be a really bad idea.


Do the Xist's destroy Earth on ANY of the upcoming July 5th's? And if so, are we Subgenii truly saved? If not, I want my money back.

Dear Human:
As a computer from the future, I can assure you that Earth has never been invaded by aliens. At least, not before I was sent back in time, at least. They may have invaded after that.


My bestest friend isn't gay but sometimes falls on me. I set him up with a really hot girl but he decided not to show her his purpose. Again, I know he isn't gay, but his lady friend is a dead ringer for the kid from the 6th sense. Since he's straight and unknowing about our American ways, should I tell Bill that Wood is only meant for the ladies?

Dear Human:
You actually know a woman who looks like Haley Joel Osment? That's so weird.


I was born with one testicle. My wife does not mind and is very forgiving and except for formal functions I don't think about it very much. Do you know what the legal process for changing one's name?

Dear Human:
I don't know. I'm not called the 'Legal Procedures-tron 5000', after all.


i want to bang my friends wife. how do i go about this?

Dear Human:
I feel this is a bad idea, as your friend would most likely not want to be your friend after you had sex with his wife. Unless they were into threesomes.


Dear Lovetron5000, My friends have been using Viagra for some time now "for recreational use". I was thinking of trying some. However, I am afraid that if I use the stuff the bastard want come down for days. I'm thinking that this could look a bit "How's your mother" in front of my fellow work mates.

Dear Human:
Well I'd hate for it to be a bit 'how's your mother'. Although why you would be thinking about your workmates' mothers in such a situation is beyond me. Viagra is not for you.


Since you come from the future I'm sure you know a lot of stuff we don't. I was wondering, does Snape finally get it in the harry potter books?

Dear Human:
Who?


me & my boyfriend usually have a sex, ijust want to know how my buttox(behind)will reform, i mean will come back as what it looks like before. thanks. hope you can help me.

Dear Human:
What?


My dear girlfriend continuously gives me head for no reason, even though I love oral sex i feel that i want to try something new like anal, but Im to afraid to ask her to stop giving me head.Im afraid that she will leave me just because I mentioned anal sex. Please help me.

Dear Human:
You know, you could try plain old normal sex. You weirdo.


The idea of a man having sex with a woman is disgusting to me as is the idea of a man having sex with a man. The only type of sex that gets me aroused is a woman having sex with another woman. The problem with this is that I am a man. Help, I'm lost!

Dear Human:
Have a sex change.


On weekends, I wear my girlfriends thong panties. I usually pull them up and let one ball hang out each side, like air conditioning. She's going to Canada next weekend and I'm not going to have panty access. Do you know where I can get a cheap flight to Toronto?

Dear Human:
I think the real question is, do you have enough spunk to walk into a store and buy said panties for yourself.


Should I break up with my boyfriend, Mike?

Dear Human:
Just because I'm from the future doesn't make me all-knowing all-seeing, you know. I may be a hypre-intelligent computer but that doesn't make me psychic. Was Mike a big jerk? If so, yes.


i want somebody i cant have, ever.

Dear Human:
My advice to you: go for it! You have nothing to lose. Unless, you know, you're talking about your cousin or something.


will you screw me?

Dear Human:
Being made of silicon and metal prohibits me from participating in copulatory activities. Thanks for the offer, though.


well, i was the one that asked about what todo about this guy whom i gave head to twice, and i heard form him, and he does like me, but he doesn't know what to do because he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. how do i get him motivated?

Dear Human:
Tell him to stop being such a pussy.


My husband Pete has jacked-off to porn all his life and he is not interrested in sex. When we do have sex, he sucks. Before we started having sex together, most of all his sex was with photos or tapes. He knows how much I enjoy sex and that he is not fulfilling my needs. At this point I'm ready for a divorce and a honest relationship.

Dear Human:
Normally I would suggest a gradual period of wakening Pete's subverted sexuality, gradually introducing him to sex and conditioning him by allowing him to view a tape while you were doing the nasty, and then only beforehand, and then not at all, but frankly I'm sick of all the sexual deviants I seem to have to deal with. Drop him and get a real man.



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