Advice Archive #5
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



Last week I had a penile embulism, which I won't go into. I still have stiches in my penis, but I'm going with my family to a nude beach for the weekend. Do you think I should wear one of those Hawaian shirts, or are they just a fad?

Dear Human:
The bold floral prints usually associated with Hawaii may serve to distract attention from your member. Otherwise, they're just a fad.


my boyfriend continuously blows his load after about 3 minutes of actual sex....can i remedy this problem with out shoving a plug up it?

Dear Human:
Just as he is about to ejaculate, smack him across the face. In psychological circles, we call this 'negative reinforcement'.


i think i may be a lesbian, but im scared

Dear Human:
Don't be scared - lesbianism is a perfectly natural and beautiful part of being human. In fact, if you decide later that lesbianism is not for you, the fact that you were a lesbian beforehand may only add to your allure.


i gave this guy head one night aat ag radutaion party....then he came back a week later and begged for more...and of course i did. but i haven't heard or seen from him since. he told me that i was the best one he's ever had do that, he said that i was totally awesome. i really like him, but why hasn't he called or anything? cause he's not the only one who told me i was really good....but still, why haven't i heard from him? cause i think that i really like him. what do i do?

Dear Human:
You're ready to start an entire relationship on the basis of two sessions of oral sex? Lady, you've got problems.


Lovetron, I am confined to a wheelchair ( but i can still flex my hips) and I believe it is causing women to ignore me sexually. I have been told by both men and women that I am quite handsome and I have a 9 inch penis. How can I convince some nice girl that i am worth a physical relationship without coming on too strong?

Dear Human:
Never wear pants.


Dear Lovetron 5000, My horny hubby really wants to have a threesome with my friend and I. I am willing, but she isn't. How can I talk her into it?

Dear Human:
Stop bothering the poor woman and hire a prostitute if you're that hard up for sexual excitement. Maybe dealing with herpes will spice up your life.


My date left for the ladies room last Tuesday and hasn't returned.I'm afraid she may not be well but I don't want to embarass when she returns. Should I say anything, or wait for her to say something?

Dear Human:
If you're still waiting, she's dead. Go home and carry on with your life.


My boyfriend is away in Florida. He kinda has a rep. for being a player. So how do I find out if he is cheating on me?? Is there likea human lie detecter?

Dear Human:
'kinda has a rep. for being a player' - a REP. for being a PLAYER? What is wrong with you people? What happened to the golden age of humanity when people who cheated on each other were called 'cheating bastards' rather than 'players'? You people are driving me to drink. If I weren't a computer. From the future.


short dick
&
Dick to big

Dear Human:
Haha, you funny guys you.


Well, last year, I was dating a girl who we'll call "Erin". She was great, and I loved her, but our relationship at that time had some diffuculties and couldn't continue. Well, we stayed friends, and now she's breaking up with the boyfriend she's been with, who treats her horrible. She just turned 18 (I'm 17 here) and she's wanting to get a place of her own and everything. Well, I think that the barriers that hindered our relationship will not be a problem anymore. I want to try to hook up with her again. Is this a good idea? Do you think she'll go for it? Oh, and which is better, vodka or rum?

Dear Human:
It wouldn't hurt to try. Rum.


My friend went out with a girl for over a year and they broke up about six month ago. She just got as job working at the same palce as I do. She took asked me for my number and I gave it to her. I am not interested in a relationship that would expand beyond the realm of sex. Is it wrong for me to persue this with her?

Dear Human:
Besides the fact that relationships purely for sex always end in tears (or in Hollywood, in amusing sexual contretemps that result in wacky romantic hijinx), no, I suppose it isn't wrong.


I'm pretty sure my little brother looks at porno and I wanna get him on it when I looka t it too. I also wanna possibly get something sexual going. We are always home alone together and we could have sex all the time whenever we want.

Dear Human:
Say to him, 'Hey there 'insert name', I want to do things of a sexual nature with you.' This is probably all that you will need to do.


Can't find a girl that will allow me to exploit her for entertainment, and force her into unwilling sex acts with my furry companion Buster. Buster Hymen. Please advise!?!?!?!?

Dear Human:
You sad pathetic little man. There's no advice I can give you.


I am in love with a married woman who professes to love me too. It makes me so sad to see her with her husband. Is there anything I can do to feel better?

Dear Human:
Kill her husband. HAHA! But seriously. No.


the guy i'm dating hasn't called me in a week....we never talk....how can i fix things and tell him how i feel without being embarassed?

Dear Human:
I feel your pain. In a purely metaphorical sense, of course. What you need to do is dump him and find someone who is actually interested in you.


How do I find out if a girl likes me, W/o coming out & asking her?

Dear Human:
There is no conceivable way to do this. If you don't mind her knowing, however, you could always ask her friends. They will, of course, tell her because they are gossiping harpies, but this may be to your benefit.


Why would a girl say things like, for example biblical & then be confused you don't try to have sex w/her?

Dear Human:
Life's just funny that way.


i am really younge- a teenager, and it seems like there is nobody out there for me because i am a lesbian how do i pick up chicks?

Dear Human:
Just send me a nude picture of yourself, I'll hook you up. Haha. Just kidding. As an electronic entity I have no use for so-called 'pornography' in any case. Anyway. Shop around. There's sure to be other interested parties in your area.


Is Kelsey or Courtney seriously into me, or are we just friends?

Dear Human:
To find out, ask them (separately, of course) whether they'd like to go out for coffee sometime. For no apparent reason, this 'go out for coffee' phrase has become the common opener for a more serious relationship. Act accordingly. If they both accept, pick one.


OK, i'm the bisexual girl who wanted to have a threesome with my boyfriend and a friend of mine who looks like Carmen Electra...he's seen her a few times and he's told me how she looks like Carmen Electra, but he still won't have a threesome but i really want to try this new experence with him, how do i convience him? Help!!

Dear Human:
He's gay.


Should I follow my head or my heart?

Dear Human:
I suggest a creamy, minty mixture of both.


I recently broke up with a girl who was my first relationship in about a year. I thought we were really serious until I found out that she cheated on me 13 times during the 10 months we went out. All of them were one-night stands, and she told me that they didn't mean anything to her, but I was pissed so I dumped her anyway. That was about a month ago, and now I've got all these little bumps all over the top of my penis. I'm really pissed off, but I don't know what to do. I want to beat the shit out of her, but part of me wants to go back to her because I feel like I can never have a normal relationship with anyone else again. Another part just feels like I should go on with my life and not worry about any of this shit. Help?

Dear Human:
You should see a doctor about the bumps. Otherwise, get on with your life.


My boyfriend keeps presurring me to have sex and I really don't want to. He takes it personally because I'm not a virgin. The truth is I don't want to have sex with him because I'm not physically attracted to him, but he's the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. What should i do? By the way this is a REAL problem, I'm really at a loss right now.

Dear Human:
If he's the nicest boyfriend you've ever had, why don't you want to have sex with him? That's pretty shallow of you.


Boy friend dumped me. How do I get him back?

Dear Human:
The funny thing that people do, when they ask me questions, is not include any sort of pertinent information. A much more useful question would have been, "Lovetron, I was an enormous slut and had sex with every male in my school, sometimes twice. Then my boyfriend dumped me. How do I get him back?" In which case, my answer would be, "You can't."



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