Advice Archive #4
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



What should i make for supper?Why do all the nice girls turn out to be cum guzzling hores?

Dear Human:
Make moussaka, that's got eggplant in it, I like eggplant. Otherwise, I don't know. Maybe you're just meeting the wrong kind of girl.


I am so horny all the time, but my boyfriend has trouble keeping it up. In search of sexual fulfillment I may have to turn to male prostitues! Is this the best solution?

Dear Human:
I would say no, they're really too expensive for the service they provide, when any male would just as likely provide such service for free.


Ok, my boyfriend well i just told him that i am a bisexual and i want to have a threesome with a girlfriend of mine she a total babe looks like "Carmen Electra" anyways he says he won't because he doesn't want us to feel uncomfortable...What sould i do isn't this what every man dreams?

Dear Human:
Ah, but does she look like Carmen Electra, or does she look like "Carmen Electra", since the two are rather different propositions. I'm betting your boyfriend just doesn't want you to bring home a real woofer.


Every time I meet a guy, things seem to be going fine, then he moves to another country. Should I take this personally?

Dear Human:
Yes.


how do I dump a nice girl easily

Dear Human:
Why would you want to anyway?


i fell in love, head over heels, and we dug eachother for 8 weeks. now shes gone overseas for an 8 week work conference, and i feel love sick. is it true that life is a see-saw and everything thats good that happens, an equally bad thing must happen too?

Dear Human:
No, you're just horny and depressed.


I was with my friend and we went to his girlfriends house i got on her computer and saw a convo between her and my girl. She said that she liked some other guy that moved away from town a year ago. So I asked about it and she said that she doesnt like him anymore but she did, So then she gets mad at me for not believeing her when i do believe her im just still a little upset and then her mom gets mad at me because i made her cry because my girl thought it was over when i had done nothing. So now i cant go over there because her parents are mad at me because they think i was being "mean" to her. What the heck am i suppose to do?

Dear Human:
Well, if your girlfriend and you still want to see each other, then I don't really see any problem whatsoever. Otherwise, stop pestering her family, you stalking creep.


ummmmmm i like mikus and i have for 2 years i he knew and he is like my best friend and he like doesnt like me what the hell is wrong w/ him or me ???

Dear Human:
What?


im a chick why is it so hard to find a guy that just wants meanless sex and nothing else that is all i want is that to much to ask

Dear Human:
In this day and age, guys have been conditioned to be 'sensitive' and 'caring'. Males who just want a quick roll in the hay and not a 'meaningful relationship' are a dying breed. That being said, you can easily locate this kind of guy by wearing a very tight t-shirt that says 'Hooters: Get'em while They're Hot', or another similar slogan. It draws them in like moths to a light.


I'm a loser and i can't get a date. i'm thinking of becoming a priest. help.

Dear Human:
First you must examine your classification of yourself as 'loser'. What makes you feel this way? If you're still convinced that you are a 'loser', then by all means, enter the seminary. At least you'll be able to fondle choir boys.


I like this girl, but she does not like me, what should I do to get her attention?

Dear Human:
Nothing. She doesn't like you.


I have this whitish fungus stuff growing near my anus. My boyfriend says its nothing and I need not worry. But I want to know what you have to say!

Dear Human:
I say that's pretty damn disgusting. Go see a proctologist.


I like this girl, but she's catholic. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Catholicism is not a barrier to having a relationship. In fact, it is my informed opinion that Catholic people, under that veneer of religious upbringing, are magic in the sack.


My best friend Tony is a loser.

Dear Human:
And?


i miss my boyfriend when i dont see him ' but when i do see him i get sick of him!!help

Dear Human:
If you get sick of him whenever you see him, why are you missing him? I feel you have unresolved psychological conflicts.


I'm a player, and i just found out i was going to be an illegitimate father...twice. Which is a better place to move? Ecuador, India or Pakistan?

Dear Human:
Ecuador.


i am handicapped

Dear Human:
Oh.


no one i know is gay. where can i meet some gay teens like me?

Dear Human:
San Francisco.


I am all alone. What can I do?

Dear Human:
Stop using the internet. If you have enough time to ask a computer from the future for advice, you certainly have enough time to pursue romance.


Are there really any men out there that don't like girls who "like" girls and boys??

Dear Human:
No.


My boyfriend is constantly in juvinile practicly 24/7 I love him but I already told him that i want 2 be with someone who I can see all the time and someone whos not always in court.His court has put me in a serious depression and I know thats serious but I love him and I dont know what to do should I stay with him or kick him out?????? please help me!!!!!!!

Dear Human:
Your boyfriend sounds like an idiot. Drop him.


My girlfriend likes me to shave below the belt to get a pornstar cut like the one we saw in a movie. I agree to do it for her in reurn she shave hers too (or atleast trim it). She liked mine and I liked hers. The good part is i get alot more action with it cut and her was so sexy. The problem is she had hers grow out again. I've asked her to do it again but she refuses and says I didn't like when she did. I loved it but i cant convince her to do it again. What can i do?

Dear Human:
Shave it when she's sleeping.


When I get home in the evening after work, my wife just sits there on the sofa, looks at me.... mumbles a 'hello' and goes back to watching the tv or reading a book. What's up with that?

Dear Human:
She needs zest in her life. Come home from work with a rose in your teeth and wearing only a festive codpiece.


I had a "friends with benefits" relationship with this one guy and he did some things for me but i never did anything for him because he never asked but recently hes been hanging all over this other girl who is a total skank and ignoring me completely. He doesn't even say hi if i see him in the hallway at school. What is his problem?

Dear Human:
Males of your species don't do sexual favours because they want to, they expect these actions to be reciprocal. Of course he's going to look elsewhere if he wasn't 'getting any action' from you. I mean come on.


My wife and I just adopted a baby boy. He's a little collicky so, needless to say, we haven't had much quality time together. What to do?! What to do?!

Dear Human:
You have to inure yourself to your child's anguish. I suggest you do this by placing him in the same room with you, but not picking him up when he cries. Once you're confortable with this, move him into another room. I'm sure you'll eventually find that you're able to go hours without even hearing the crying.


I have a very good frined, who is a player and i dont want to get hurt, but every time we hang out, i cant resist him and we end up messing around. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Why don't you become a so-called 'player' as well, that way you're getting the best of both worlds.


My girlfriend keeps freaking out and thinking i'm gona dump her. How can I get her to sop!

Dear Human:
I assume by 'sop' you mean stop. I mean I may be an all-knowing artificial intelligence but come on, that's no excuse for typos. Anyway. What are you doing to make your girlfriend think that you're going to dump her? Do you consistantly go out with other girls and come in at 3:00 AM, smelling of sweat and perfume and smeared with lipstick, or what? Because if you aren't, your girlfriend is just paranoid.


My girlfriend just moved in and I dont know why she wont have sex with me. You know before she moved in it was all, " I cant wait to have sex every night with you". Now she just wants to sleep, and this is all after 3 nights together.Is there any way to kinda motivate her or get her excited or something. Please help me out here.

Dear Human:
Maybe it's that time of the month.


Mr. LuvTRON 5000 Could you ask one of your YPL pps(you know the ones that clean the dust off yer head)who i would have too ***BLOW*** to get a chat room set up?This ISN'T really a luv question but if i have to BLOW someone i don't have to luv them right!

Dear Human:
Erik.



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