Advice Archive #3
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



show more tits and ass! other than that this site is the shit so keep it up.

Dear Human:
What would you do with more tits and asses? Haven't you already got enough?


My mom's a major slut. She hangs all over my guy friends. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop bringing guy friends home. Either that or make friends with some really ugly guys, I suppose.


Yo Luvtron,wAAAAAzzzzup! DO you think that it is hip,cool,2201ish to pass gas on the first date.Should you wait until she doe's it first or kinda get into a contest at the movie theater? Do you agree with me that when you've seen your girlfriend/wife on the shitter takin' a dump the relationship is OVER.(unless your into that kinda crap)Pardon the pun!

Dear Human:
I believe it is common courtesy to wait until your female companion has passed gas before doing it yourself. Ladies first, after all. Furthermore, seeing your significant other using the toilet is merely an advanced stage of relationship. After all, if they are comfortable enough to be seen performing evacuatory functions, they must be pretty comfortable in said relationship.


i don't have a girlfriend, & whenever i look for one, the girl turns out to be over 120 pounds, or something scary or something...

Dear Human:
There is certainly nothing wrong with girls over 120 pounds. In fact, a study recently completed at one of your human universities discovered that fat girls have better orgasms. So there you are.


WOOOAH,luvtron YOU have a nice RACK ! ! I think i'm in love with a McDonalds girl & i can't get the song out of my head(Barenaked Ladies).Should i shoot myself NOW,or wait until i get home?

Dear Human:
Definitely wait until you get home. If you really love the McDonald's girl, you wouldn't make her clean your viscera from the McDonald's floor.


Input Data, Lovetron 5000; My last sex partner was my wife. Our long term relationship ended after the second "itch cycle".Her portal to the "other side" was not family unit compatable nor were The "greener" things that she wanted. As a timeline reference; The FDA was claiming Viagra was bogus. I have avoided risky coupling with several bio's offering a quick lube, And no thoughts of maintenance for the future. Very recently I encountered an anomaly that has me wondering if I should have a Viagra tuneup handy. Or possibly a trial run at a Nevada "Ranch House". Do you know of any way to check Human performance under load? It would be nice to feel that confidant rumble under the hood again.

Dear Human:
Viagra, apparently, has helped thousands of men once again achieve a healthy sex life. I say apparently because I don't know anyone who has actually tried it. In the future, if somebody can't achieve erection they are fitted with sub-dermal electronic stimulators. But, of course, that's the future.


i need a sexy lover

Dear Human:
You say now that you want a sexy lover, but if a sexy lover was a juicy venison steak, most people would settle for hamburgers. Keep that in mind.


what is relationship?

Dear Human:
That's a good question. A good question indeed. And the answer is, of course, that a relationship is what two people have when each of them becomes a parasite to the other. In a good way, of course.


I need to transfer my present knowledge to my 1987 self to correct some relationship problems. Could you tell me how to time-travel, or maybe take my brain back in time with you?

Dear Human:
Having gone back in time already, I can only go forwards in time, otherwise I'd create a temporal causality loop that would likely destroy the universe. Personally, I'd rather not risk it. Time-travelling on your own, however, is simple. All you need is a few rubber bands, a piece of canvas, a small lump of plutonium and a block of finely aged cheddar.


the problem with me is my hair. i just can't do anything with it. when my boyfriend alex starts caressing it, his hand always gets stuck in the chicken fat i use to keep my funky do. i am afraid to break up with him because i know that no one else will put up with my "teenie". besides, i am tardy. really tardy. i don't know what to do with myself, because i smell like cheese. i heard there is a guy named Ron Jeremy who is interested in me, but i don't know who he is and when i try to look for him on the internet his sites are blocked by the school i go to. so, lovetron, what do i do? is alex the guy? who is ron jeremy, anyway? and, finally, what can and should I do about my hair?

Dear Human:
In that order: Yes. He is a famous and ugly star of many pornographic films. Shave your head.


the guy i like dosnt think that he is ready for a relationship and i want him badly, how can i change his mind

Dear Human:
Show him your assets, if you know what I mean.


My cousin and I, continuosly fight, I love her with all my heart, but she is sooooooooo hateful towards me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Try to work things out peacefully. Why is she hateful? Was it something you did? Take the time to find out. If that doesn't work, then I suggest a blow to the solar plexus. That'll shut her up.


a guy is treatening to kill me if i dont break up with my girlfriend, what do i do?

Dear Human:
YPL turns my relationship-advice functions on only on weekends, so I hope you're not dead, since I've been otherwise occupied all week. If you're still alive, ask yourself, Self, what do I value more? My girlfriend or my own life? Act accordingly.


Do you look anything like R2-D2?Why haven't you answered my last post,wanna go yo a party? It's next to a Just Lubes!'O' ya, a luv question,do you think women in this day & age should pay for dinner(before or after sex)?

Dear Human:
I look nothing like R2-D2, in fact, this is what I look like. I think in this age of equality, both men and women should pay for dinner. And preferably before sex, since many restaurateurs frown upon love-making couples in their establishments.


getting divorced. Why? she filed not me. Does this mean it is over?

Dear Human:
Durrr.


I don't mean to be a RAT or anything luvtron 2000 but wasn't that YOU i saw staying in the Bahamas at Atlantis that new funkie hotel near the bar hanging off that SWEET garbage disposal??? Repairs my buttox ! !

Dear Human:
No. You must be mistaken. Certainly someone else.


my girlfriend and I recently broke up. She's moving away but she says it's because she's not in love with me anymore. I think it's because she's moving because she still loves me. She is also now dating another girl. Is any of this my fault?

Dear Human:
The 'now dating another girl' part, I think, should tell you everything you need to know.


I caught my best friend doing something very homosexual! What the hell should I tell him?

Dear Human:
It all depends on your outlook, I suppose. One possible response, for example, would be 'Hey there, sailor'.


i'm really not shure what kind of relationship I'm in. is it love or just sex. I'm so confused

Dear Human:
Humans are funny. They mix up love and sex constantly. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, HUMANS! Love and sex aren't the same thing! GET THAT THROUGH YOUR PUNY PRIMATE BRAINS! Ahem. Sorry.


I go to school with this really great guy that I like. We started talking and one thing led to another. We have had sex 5 times or so. The problem is he has a baby's momma who is still real possessive of him. He told me that he cares about me not her, and i care about him to, what should i do?

Dear Human:
So what's your problem?


My penis is, shall we say, interestingly shaped, and as a result girls upon hearing about it all want to tear my trousers off and look at it in all its misshapen glory. The problem is that although I was once rich, the expense of replacing so many pairs of legwear has put a massive burden on my wallet and I can barely afford to pay the tramps in Kentish Town to dance for me anymore. Want can you possibly suggest I do?

Dear Human:
Press your unit between two pieces of lumber for an hour every day.


I would love to hook up with the girl that luvs to Blow(as she put it),pls give her my e-@ or do i need to take a number?

Dear Human:
.... yes.


There's this guy whom I've been having as a booty call(you know someone I can call up 4 sex)and he sends me mixed messages. One minute he calls me and is real cool the next minute it's like I don't exist. I know he has some type of feelings towards me. I do for him. I've told him this, he acts surprised and really interested. But nothing is happening, and I would like there to be. What can I do or say to him to somewhat help ease rejection on my behalf? It's not just lust or a crush. I feel really drawn to him, we have this connection but at the same time we're on different wave links. Understand??? Please help me....

Dear Human:
Drop him. Any male who doesn't express interest in a continuous source of sexual gratification has enough problems already.


There's plenty of girls where I go to school, I'm best friends with them and they all say they love me and they think I'm cute. But none of them will go out with me, never. Whats wrong?

Dear Human:
In much the same way that girls continuously call each other 'honey' and 'sweetie' without, in fact, having any sort of homosexual relationship, so too can they tell a guy he is cute without, in fact, meaning anything by it. It's much like guys slapping each on the ass. A non-sexual ass-slapping, of course.


I'm seeing 3 girls at once and they all insist to at least an hour of sex, not to mention if they wanna get together with me and another girl. How do I ask them to take a break without puushing them away?

Dear Human:
Tell them you've got herpes.


no pussy

Dear Human:
Not my fault.


every girl I go out with, within 3 1/2 month's she breaks up with me. why?

Dear Human:
Maybe you're a big jerk.


How can i tell if my friend with benefits is ready to lose her virginity?

Dear Human:
The solution to your problem is simple: ask her. If you are not slapped in the face, she is probably ready.


Lovetron, I really like my best female friend. I want to ask her out, but I'm afraid of ruining our friendship. First of all, is this common? And secondly, what should I do? Is it going to be worth it?

Dear Human:
Probably very common. After all, which one of your primitive movies was it where someone remarked that guys cannot have girls as friends without thinking about them in a sexual way? Maybe it was an episode of Friends.


I love my partner but he has this religion thing going and won't sleep with me. I am patient yet snapping pencils in frustration. What to do?

Dear Human:
Religion is a thorny problem when it comes to relationships. It has been my experience of the human species that very few males can disregard a strip-tease, however.


my boyfriend went to see this girl that he said he hadn't seen in about a year. Well after he went and saw her we broke up awhile later. And now my ex boyfriend is with the girl that he went to see. Did they end up doing anything, that would make him break up with me?

Dear Human:
Did you really need to ask this question?


i want to know if my boyfriend is cheating on me. Cause he went to a party and this girl at the party said that my boyfriend was trying to get with other girls including her. But a lot of people don't think my boyfriend is the type to do something like that.

Dear Human:
How should I know? I wasn't at the party. I'm invited to very few parties, in fact.


I am married, mucho kids, but I fell in love with a wonderful lady on the internet, we have met and want to be together always, Whats a guy to do ?

Dear Human:
You have two choices. You can either stay faithful to your wife and family, or, of course, cheat mercilessly. But you probably already knew that.


IM GAY AND IVE STARTED SEEING A NEW WOMAN BUT I DONT KNOW WHERE ITS GOING. I STILL FANCY MY EX (WHO I NEVER SLEPT WITH) AND SHE FANCIES ME. I KNOW WE WILL NEVER GET BACK TOGETHER. i WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER BUT IT MIGHT RUIN WHAT I HAVE WITH MY NEW WOMAN. sHOULD I RISK IT?

Dear Human:
You are vague, contradictory and furthermore type all in caps. I can't help you.



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