Advice Archive #27
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



me and my girlfriend broke up because we never saw each other. was that the right thing to do?

Dear Human:
It doesn't matter now, does it?


Hat?

Dear Human:
No thank you.


I was still in love with my ex but then I met a new girl and I'm smitten and I'm not sure if I should keep it steady when I sometimes still feel for my ex.

Dear Human:
Stop letting your old relationship rule your new one.


he just watches tv in front of the damn computer all the time, no attention to me!

Dear Human:
Cool, you've got a TV-in card?


My boss and I used to have an intimate relationship, but he doesn't seem to even know that I exist anymore. "Dick" has been a real workaholic lately. And now, he's gonna spend even more time working because he says we have to take care of something called I-rack. This is after he just finished a big project called Affganee Stan. Do you think he's ignoring me because I have a small penis? Can our relationship be saved?

Dear Human:
Ha. Ha.


I always seem to fall for married guys. I am inlove with one now. Why?

Dear Human:
Could it be that you have no common sense?


My ex and I have been broken up for almost a year, but recently we've become really close... nothing physical, but we've been spending all our time together. What's going on?

Dear Human:
I don't know.


My girlfriend has a hard time showing her body even after we have sex totaly naked with the lights on., why?

Dear Human:
Maybe she's critical of her own body. Or maybe she has a big mole on her back or something.


Should I shave my head and move to Nepal and live on a mountain top, cutting off all human relationships, or is there some easier way to keep my friends from falling for me?

Dear Human:
Move to Nepal. Shaving your head is optional.


i love this girl so much that i think of her at least once every ten minutes, and she started to get close with me at a friends house. It was the greatest day of my life! But, she suddenly seemed to not know who i was. she nearly ignored me. then she started talkin to me again a little while ago, but not with the same kind of enthusiasm and happiness as before. what happened? did i do something wrong and fix it without knowing?

Dear Human:
Maybe she was drunk.


i like this guy who likes another chick, who happens to be his ex.. should i ditch him and get back with my ex or try and persuade him to leave her alone?

Dear Human:
Flip a coin, they both seem equally disastrous.


Im gay and I want to take it up the ass. Should I start with a tiny chinese man or with a big black man?

Dear Human:
Start small and work your way up.


i want more sex than my husband

Dear Human:
Outsource.


I really like this guy who is a year younger that me. He and I went to London last summer with some of our friends. I really fell for him there, he was great. My friend said I should like him. But I'm a chicken and am worriend that if he didn't like me it would make our friendship ackward. what should I do? Thanks!

Dear Human:
Just ask him, because you know you're not going to be satisfied until you know.


I'm expected to act as though I'm in one! Just Me...

Dear Human:
In one what?


My ex-girlfriend is trying to avoid me and doesn't really care how much I love her. How can I get her back?

Dear Human:
You can't. Stop trying.


I've grown tired of my girlfriend. She really bores me now. All she wants to do is sit around and watch TV and eat and get fat. It's disgusting how comfortable she is around me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Isn't the point of a relationship that you want to be comfortable with the other person?


I accidentally nose-bled on my girlfriend while we were making love.

Dear Human:
Haha, that's so funny.


I'm almost 30 and I never had a girlfriend, nor ever been with a girl. I sit behind my computer all day, can this be the problem? And if so, what can i do about it?

Dear Human:
Yes. Get out. Get some fresh air.


Is it true REF;G'N'R used 2 luv her but hade 2 kill her> if u killed he & burried her in the back yard would u still hear her complain???

Dear Human:
No. All you'd hear would be sweet november rain. G'N'R rocks.


the girl i love wont' aknowlage my existance we used to be great friends till her new boyfriend

Dear Human:
Uh-huh. Give it up. You're too late.


I am having sex with 5 women I work with. None of them know about the others. Do you think I can risk adding a 6th? I am their boss.

Dear Human:
Isn't that illegal or something?


I am in the Army and deployed overseas. My baby want's me to come home and I can't. How can I make sure she doesn't lose interest while I'm gone?

Dear Human:
Sent her a naked picture of yourself.


Is it cheaper to date a woman that used to be a man, or go buy the drugs that help you grow boobs yourself and just stay home all day and play?

Dear Human:
It's cheaper to date the former man.


I needs a woman

Dear Human:
There's plenty around, what are you waiting for?


i love my girlfriend but she really thinks i am a jerk.What should i do?

Dear Human:
Are you a jerk?


I am envolved in a long-distant relationship, I want it to last but it is harder than I could have ever expected. What can I do to make it easier?

Dear Human:
Move.


lovetron 5000 you basterd. i wrote you about a month ago and you never got back to me. so without your advice, i took matters on my own. and geuss what? everything blew up in my face!!! i would like to thank you again for help on my relationship problem. you suck and i hope you contract a virus. yours truely... very pissed

Dear Human:
That's because YPL staff keep using my computing power to download mass amounts of porn.


my girl is so mad she won't talk to me.what should i do?

Dear Human:
Wait until she's not mad.


I have an overactive sex craze.

Dear Human:
I imagine that causes you problems.


what would you say to a threesome? say you your creator, you, and myself?

Dear Human:
It would be pretty boring, since I am incapable of movement and my creator isn't born yet.


My husband and I wiil have been married a yer come may 5th . Recently we let my husband's brother move in with us until he can get on his feet financially . Now it seems my husband spends more time with his brother than he does his new wife . I am lost Help !

Dear Human:
Tell your husband that his brother needs to move out soon.


my girlfriend lives in florida and im in texas.

Dear Human:
Well at least you're both at the bottom.


He showed a lot of interest in me, and like he wanted a relationship. Now he acts like none of that ever happened, and walks around thinking he is God's gift to women. Talks just to revel in the sound of his own voice. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Ignore him, he's a pompous loser.


I like this girl at my school. Her name's Jenny. We wave and smile at each other almost everyday, but I don't know if she would be the type to start a relationship with. How could I approach her without offending her?

Dear Human:
Well don't yell this at her, "Yo, bitch!"


My wife hates sex, what do I do?

Dear Human:
Your wife hates sex? How did that happen?


I like this girl, and I think she is too popular for me...what should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop classifying yourself.


Is Mark Chevez gay?

Dear Human:
Who?


im too young he's older and impatient for me to grow up so i can live with him. Help.

Dear Human:
Whoa, how young are you?


Why can't I commit?

Dear Human:
Because you suck.


I wish to further my relationship with a friend of mine past casual sex and something more intresting. Not that I dont like the sex , and neither of us belive in monogomy so I wont be settling with her but I just want it to mean more than casual sex.

Dear Human:
Well do so, then.


I have a girlfriend and shes great with her mouth but she is so tight that i cant get in her ! without doing massive damage to her ... why is love with her so hard , but so easy with my cat?

Dear Human:
Your cat must be enormous.


will jeff and stay together?

Dear Human:
Sure. Whatever.


I hate loving someone who does not love me

Dear Human:
I would imagine so.


my wife doesn't give sex, and when she does i is not quality

Dear Human:
Not quality? What are you, some sort of expert?


She is much younger (25)and I am 69. she accepts me because I am satisfying her and she enjoys.Shoud I stop?

Dear Human:
I guess not.


LA DEE DEE! I don't actually have a relationship problem, this message just helps me emagine the fustrated whirring of the Lovetron's circuits as I increase his workload. By the way if you come from the future, where I assume vast technological advances have been made, how come the rate at which you answer these messages makes it appear as though you are running on clockwork?

Dear Human:
I am, in fact, running on clockwork. Future clockwork, mind you. Plus a member of the YPL staff who shall remain nameless once poured coffee into one of my outlets.


I've been dating a girl for 3 months that I really like, but I have to move for my job soon. I'm afraid if I tell her, she will stop dating me because I'm leaving, but I want to keep seeing her. Should I tell her now or wait?

Dear Human:
Tell her now.



Back to the main Lovetron 5000 page!