Advice Archive #26
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



My girl gets mad at me over the littlest things. We have fought almost five times this week over petty issues that she finds important. I know she is under a lot of stress, but even she admits she is taking it out on me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop being argumentative.


mugu mugu?

Dear Human:
Okay.


What can I do that is creative and unique as a surprise for my Valentine?

Dear Human:
Dress up as a heart... A HUMAN HEART.


My boyfriend lives an hour away and works at a camp that he lives at during the week. Because he lives at this camp, I only get to talk to him once during the week for 5-10 minutes on the phone and only get to see him on the weekends. Because I am a poor student, I don't have a car and he drives up to see me. Just yesterday, when he came down to see me, he said that he was thinking that maybe he shouldn't drive to see me every weekend, so that he could save some money. Should I take this as a hint that he wants to break up? Is there any way I can convince him to keep driving up or should I break up with him?

Dear Human:
Maybe he's just poor.


It's me again, the chick with the German. That guy, Dan, that I liked, well, he dumped me before we ever went out, and that made me sad. Then I found out that he's going out with this other chick and didn't even tell me. I'm not mad at him for liking her, I'm mad for not telling me about it. I feel like he lied to me. So now I have no date for prom, but I do have a kick-ass dress! Should I ask this guy I like from camp or his friend that I've known longer and is probably gay?

Dear Human:
Well whatever you do, don't waste your kickass dress.


I'm madly in love with a certain girl. We're good friends. Just recently she started dating the guy I worked hard at getting her together with (again, I love her dearly but she only loves me as a friend, so I do all I can to make her happy, regardless of how everything turns out for me) but I'm oddly disappointed with how they got together. Something's missing. The guy is good looking and talented. She's beautiful and smart, but I just can't help thinking that everything would have turned out different had I gone home rather than to a friend's house. Can you send me back in time to February 8th so I can see what would have happened had I gone home?

Dear Human:
Human physiology disintegrates under time travel, that's why they sent me. And you're a putz.


i need help with my woman. I do not know why but she does not want to have sex. she is 22 years old. i am 54.

Dear Human:
That's sort of icky, that's why.


I cant stand craig, he says hes bi, but just likes to give stange men head downtown, why is that?

Dear Human:
And why do you care?


I am a 33 year old married housewife, and although my husband is good at heart I've known since the day I moved in with him 6 years ago that we were not right for eachother and the marriage was a mistake. 2 years ago I met a man online, who is now almost 19 years old. Despite the age difference, we have grown to know we are soulmates and desperately wish to spend the rest of our lives together. We are both currently unemployed and live oceans apart, so the drastic change is taking some time. Although my heart says I'm trying to accomplish something that will make us both very happy, society says I'm being a fool. What do you think Lovetron?

Dear Human:
I think you may be a happy fool. But you may also be just a fool.


My boyfriend does not appreciate me.

Dear Human:
Why not?


my girl'friend' always ignores me when she's with her friends but when we're one on one she's really sweet and affectionate.

Dear Human:
What a bitch. I've always wanted to say that.


my boyfriend is 19 and we are in a very active sexual relationship. we have sex at least 3 times a week, but he still feels the need to look at porn and masterbate. It makes me feel uncomfortable knowing he is looking at other women and imagining them naked. I know this is normal, but it really turns me off, what can I do?

Dear Human:
Try to ignore it.


I want to date my friends ex-girlfriend. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

Dear Human:
Wait about 8 months, then go for it.


i've been hanging out with this guy everyday for the past 2 weeks. I know we both have feelings for eachother but im afraid to ask him what is going on with us label wise. Without asking him, how can i figure this out???

Dear Human:
Label-wise? Who came up with that?


My Ex. go's crazy at the thought of me finding a new girlfriend. Meanwhile, SHE HAS HAD A BOYFRIEND sence we broke up. Last time she flipped out, she hit me with her cell phone in front of our co-workers (we work at the same restaurant) for flirting with a girl at a party. What should I do about my Ex.?

Dear Human:
What a bitch. HA, two in one day!


She doesn't want me to touch her, therefore no passion, sex, etc.

Dear Human:
Are you a leper?


When ever I go out with a chick I get sooo nervous I crap my pants and pass out, what can I do so it will never happen again?

Dear Human:
Seek extensive help.


How do i get my sister to fuck me?

Dear Human:
And furthermore, why?


Man, theres this chick on my bus who likes me, but shes a stupid midget hoe (Dude, I may sound mean and nasty but Im probably the nicest dude you ever got a mail from). I say this because she's always yelling shit at others and acting like she's all that. Man, how can I tell this bizwitch to beat it?

Dear Human:
She's a midget?


Ninja's have mad skills. I wish I had mad skills like they did.

Dear Human:
Me too.


i have discovered my friend's sister aol password. what should i do?

Dear Human:
Nothing.


my guy tried to wake me up for sex and I just couldn't get awake. now I think he is mad. what should I do?

Dear Human:
Pounce on him some morning.


Hello, Lovetron. I have this boyfriend (now ex) who just dumped me after a week long relationship because it 'feels akward.' What should I do?

Dear Human:
Just pretend it never happened.


well, my bf and i are doing really good. we started having sex about 2 weeks ago, and the second time it happened, the condom fell off in me, and we think i might be pregnant. neither one of us are worried about it, cause we both want it. but i'm still only 17, and my mom doesn't like him. so i don't know how i;m gonna tell her. and i don't knwo if it'sto soon to have a baby. please help me.

Dear Human:
It's too soon. Way too soon. Be worried.


I am dating a great woman; but am still in love with another that I should forget. I do not know what to do?

Dear Human:
You are dating a great woman. Why are you trying to mess that up?


is it ok to for a 20 year old m to court a 16 old f

Dear Human:
In theory, I guess so, but really, no.


I can't get laid

Dear Human:
Bummer.


The guy I'm seeing is too nice. I like nice guys but this guy is way too nice.

Dear Human:
What's your problem, are you a sadist or something? Yeesh.


my girl is too shy

Dear Human:
Aww, that's sort of charming.


My mom is married to her disgusting, creepy, wimpy, pasty, sickening, annoying, little, 90lb. 2nd husband. I hate him and never want to see him again. How do i break them up?

Dear Human:
You're a very angry person.


My boyfriend only has girls as friends and i am jelous because he hangs out with them all the time, what should i do

Dear Human:
Lay it on the line.


im a nice guy

Dear Human:
Hooray.


I want my girlfriend to move out. How do I tell her?

Dear Human:
Say, "Hey, move out." Tell me how it goes.


I went out with this guy for half a year plus more... and we still kind of see each other but we don't give each other a title name. I like him a lot still, but i don't know if he does still or not? Sometimes I think he does and sometimes i think he doesn't. we have such a good relationship, shouldn't we be together?

Dear Human:
How do you even know if you've got a good relationship? You hardly see him!


o.k. so ur tellin' me & i quote from u ("chicks from the laundra mat arn't kewl") So where r all the HOT (clean) chicks.I'm askin' U o mighty Commador64-DX!?!?Where r all the women on this day of Valentines????? :(

Dear Human:
They're probably in the laundromat. I take back my comment about laundromat girls. Well, some of them.


Ive been with this girl for about 2 months and shes really great and there didnt seem to be any problems until her best friend came back from College. Her friend is really ugly and the most annoying person ever. She never leaves us alone and manages to spoil every time Im with my woman. Not only that she likes Star Trek and is a lesbian and keeps telling my girl to dump me because I said she was like a rash, only not as enjoyable. Anyway Ive told my girl that I hate her friend and she said I either have to get on with her or its over. What should I do? I was gonna hire the mafia to bump her off. Is this a good idea or can u think of better?

Dear Human:
There's nothing wrong with Star Trek.


I met a girl on the interent, and we've talked on the phone several times. We seem to be perfect for each other. Should I ever talk to her again?

Dear Human:
Well yeah. Duh.


word on the street is im gonna get some later on

Dear Human:
Bomb diggity, yo.


there is this girl that i like but she said that she does not want a b/f right now because she has too much going on right now and i asked her if it was me and she said no. is she just being nice in saying no or dont she really like me and how can i get her to like me?

Dear Human:
Could be either.


I'm young, talented, dating a gorgeous girl and I have the world at my feet! What are my chances for world domination?

Dear Human:
Zero.


Why do all of my ex-girlfriends shun me? Can't we all just be friends?

Dear Human:
No. In fact I can't believe how naive you are.


How do I get my boyfriend to spend more money on me?

Dear Human:
Steal his credit card, ha ha. Don't really.


why does my boyfriend masterbates if he got me?

Dear Human:
It's just one of those things.


I like this girl, so does everyone else. I'm a bit shy and she does know me, what do I do!

Dear Human:
Ask her out before everybody else does.


I started seeing this guy three weeks ago, and we are taking it really slow, which I wanted, but it's going so slow it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere, what sound I do?

Dear Human:
Say, "I don't want it slow anymore."


I like little boys

Dear Human:
Maybe you should join the Big Brothers, then! Oh.. like in a funny way. Well. Huh.


im a virgin...what should i do?

Dear Human:
Party.


she crys and says she loves me but still loves her ex-boyfriend. i am honest with her but it seems like she won't open up. really weird, help me out...

Dear Human:
She sounds like she needs help. Either a shoulder to cry on or drugs of some sort.


i want to make it more exciting

Dear Human:
Wear a giant chicken mask.


i'm in love with a sheep, should it wear a nightie?

Dear Human:
It shouldn't even be in the bed.


I have fallen for a guy who will have to return to the marines in a couple days. What should I do?

Dear Human:
I think you know. *nudge nudge wink wink*


Why does a woman want you around but keeps you at a distance at the same time.

Dear Human:
They're just funny like that, I guess. I've never noticed them doing that, personally.


I've got a crush on a pretty pistol, should I tell her that I feel this way? I've got love songs in my head killing us away. Do you love your guns?

Dear Human:
What...like an actual gun? That's messed up.



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