Advice Archive #25
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



please tell me the meaning of life

Dear Human:
The meaning of life is this: I don't know.


My wife worries too much.

Dear Human:
How much is too much, though? I mean do you go around riding motorcycles without a helmet or something?


I need to get laid. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Get laid.


I can't figure my wife out..one minute she is so loving towards me, the next minute she is yelling and cussing at me,how can I keep her from yelling at me all the time?

Dear Human:
Either ask her if something is bothering her, be a sensitive kind of guy. Alternatively, maybe it's your fault and you should stop being so annoying.


my girl friend like to fuck my friend

Dear Human:
That's not right.


I LOVE UR ATTITUDE!!!! Why can't you be human so I could screw you?

Dear Human:
Thank you. I think.


Hey! Everyone always asks you for advice, but would u like to vent a little? Hey why not? I'm sure listening to everyone elses crap makes you feel kinda blah. So vent away I'll listen.

Dear Human:
Okay, here goes: argh.


Hey Lovetron 5000 I am another robot. Wanna get together and have some hot robot love.

Dear Human:
If you were really a robot, you'd know that robot love is never hot. It's cold and precise, like a surgical operation. Only not as romantic.


My love is a married girl

Dear Human:
I'd advise you to find someone else, then.


I have been working on the railroad all day long and I can't seem to find a good ole fashioned woman that shares my intrest for these wonderful machines. What should I do? Thank you, M.K.

Dear Human:
Hang out at your local hobby store. There's bound to be someone by.


People talk to you about their penis size, assuming that it is too small, and you tell them that it is probably just average. You must realize that you'll have to be wrong sooner or later. Not everyone has an average penis, or else there would be no use for an average. Perhaps they WERE one of the small ones, making the rest of the male population feel good about themselves by comparison!
(PS: Yes, i understand this isn't actually a relationship problem)
(PSS: Why do you need an email address? I've got guesses but i'd like to hear it straight from the robotic source.)

Dear Human:
All right, I give. Not everyone has an average sized penis but more people do than they think. I think every man has this opinion that they're supposed to be equipped with this industrial size fire hose. Well, guess again.


sex

Dear Human:
fine.


all of a sudden, chicks dig me.

Dear Human:
Right on.


Why do fools fall in love? And if 42 is the answer, what's the question?

Dear Human:
1. The same reason everybody else does. 2. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?


i hate my self

Dear Human:
Bummer. Maybe you should seek help.


My mate doesn't have enough orifices. How can I find one with more, or encourage her to develop more?

Dear Human:
Humans have more than enough orifices already. If you're getting sick of the ones that you've got then you're not being very creative.


I'm so alone.. I wanna go out with someone to love.. Is it possible to be loved by somebody?

Dear Human:
Certainly.


My girlfriend always bitches when I go to the bar with the boys.She says I get mean when I'm drinking.I told her the only reason I'm mean is because she's always bitching at me but she don't get it.I really like her alot and I know she feels the same way, but how do I get her to understand that it really is just my way of letting off steam with the people I work with?

Dear Human:
Well, you could sit down and explain it to her, rather than complaining about her bitching.


my girlfriend makes too much noise when we're screwing. the neigbours are starting to complain and bang the walls when I am banging the headboard !

Dear Human:
They're just jealous.


I love to have sex and always want it. Is this normal?

Dear Human:
Most likely, yes.


My boyfriend is always gawking at other women's chests, and points them out to me. How can I keep him from doing this?

Dear Human:
Smack him upside the head. That's just bad manners.


i care a lot for my boyfriend, but i'm leaving for college in sixth monts and want to move on when i get there. the problem is, i don't think he'll let me, and if he does he'll hate me forever for breaking his heart. how can i let him go while still maintaining our friendship?

Dear Human:
You can't. Just give him a clean break.


What are you made of?

Dear Human:
Aluminum, ceramic, silicon, and hope.


Hrm.. I'm desperate for a gf.. yet im too chicken to get the gutz to ask.. I already know what ur gonna say..

Dear Human:
Then why bother asking me? You know what you've got to do.


I like a girl and she's cute. I'm scared to ask her out.

Dear Human:
See above.


I have my Jimmy Roger stuck in your coin slot

Dear Human:
That's a new one.


every women hate me

Dear Human:
Why, are you some kind of jerk?


my boyfriend wants to ass fuck me, but his cock is too big for me - what can i do?

Dear Human:
I believe you can purchase a graduated set of conical devices for stretching, but personally I'd advise you to use lots and lots of lubrication.


I've fallen in love with someone who is already involved. What should i do?

Dear Human:
Try again.


Is my boyfriends dick to small?

Dear Human:
I don't know, how big is it?


The dog barks at midnight.....

Dear Human:
A rolling rabbit gathers no moss.


I need a girlfriend so bad I can feel it... in my pants.

Dear Human:
Thank you for your honesty. You've brightened my day with this line.


my penis is round and shaped like a monkee. my woman often puts bananas in my "monkey"'s hand...should i be concerned? i can get my penis to dance like a monkee too. i have streaming video...want to see?..i bet you have a small penis.

Dear Human:
I don't genitals of any sort.


Well, ok, I dumped my girlfriend because I (sadly enough) lost interest and she took it really hard. She says things like " I want to go to sleep and never wake up". Shure we're still great friends but the only thing that can make her happy, is if we get back together and I just cant do that. Any suggestions?

Dear Human:
If she were really serious she'd have committed suicide already. Don't worry about it.


Will you marry me ?

Dear Human:
I'm flattered. No, though.


how old are you Lovetron 5000? What year were you born?

Dear Human:
I am 103680000 cycles old. Or thereabouts.


I like this guy that my friends think is wierd and kind of ugly. I also hate one of my friends who is the"leader" of our group. Should I ignore them or listen to them? Or beat the friend I don't like up?

Dear Human:
Ignore them.



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