Advice Archive #22
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



So confused! When I talk to this guy friend of mine I can think nothing more then to kiss him or hug him. He even talks to me about the really deep stuff. Sadly he is dating one of my best friends. So now I don't know whether or not to tell him how I feel or just drop it and forget everything except that we are good friends? I hate mind games like this.....

Dear Human:
Me too. It's up to you, but he may not take kindly to your messing up his relationship.


all women look ugly...most of them look like you

Dear Human:
What, like large blocks of metal with circuits inside? Low blow.


how do i tell my mate she is choking me with her possiveness behavior and unwillingness to try new things

Dear Human:
Go like this, "GGAAHHGGHHH... GGAHAGGAHAH.." you know, like you're choking. Clever, huh?


My boyfriend has no long term goals. I think we love each other, but I think that I make more money than he does. How important will this be in the long run?

Dear Human:
It may not matter at all. Then again, you may emotionally emasculate him. So look out.


I have a trust issue due to the fact my partner won't talk about the time she cheated on me and gave me an std, I love her & all is I want is to forgive & forget but I need her to talk to me to help gain her trust back???!!!!

Dear Human:
Why are you trying to gain her trust? She's the one who cheated and gave you an STD.


I have this really hot guy, who really loves me. But he doesn't want a serious relationship, because we are too young, and he can't commit. He's kind of a flirt. And I'm totally in love with him, and would do anything for him, but he wouldn't do anything for me. I'm just "really hot" what can I do to turn his feelings on? So that he will express how he feels to me.

Dear Human:
Convince him he does want a serious relationship, somehow. There are probably many ways to do it.


I am a single mom and wonder where the best place to meet a man is?

Dear Human:
Walmart.


I just got married and now have a stepson. He is a total pain, and has the chance to go back and live with his mom. If he doesn't go back to his mom, I want a divorce. Am I being too hasty?

Dear Human:
Sort of.


my wife is a lesbian.

Dear Human:
How'd you manage that?


all the geeks like me. what do i do?

Dear Human:
Ask one of them out, geeks are not to be underrated.


I am looking for a woman that I can make love to every night.

Dear Human:
Good luck.


There is a girl I used to see on the bus that I want to talk to. The problem is, I got a new job and don't take that bus anymore. How do I meet her?

Dear Human:
Take a day off and ride that bus. Or stop being so pathetic.


Im almost 23 yrs old, and Im also a dopehead. I'd like to find a girl to settle down with. I know if I found such a girl, then dope would be only in my past. Help Please.

Dear Human:
Yeah, right. I think you should stop being a dopehead first, and then look for a relationship.


I cant find the right ladie for me

Dear Human:
I'm not sure if you meant lady or laddie... either way, the answer is the same: Look for her/him.


What should I do about my marriage? I don't want to stay married anymore.

Dear Human:
Get a divorce, then. Why didn't you think of that?


When will I meet the right the girl?

Dear Human:
Before you die.


I want to kiss my girlfriend but I dont know when I should try or what to do. help?

Dear Human:
Just pick a likely moment. Then go for it. If you don't actually know how to do it then you're beyond help.


I've fallen in love with a girl; she claims she's in love with me too. However she doesn't want to break up with her boyfriend. What do I do now?

Dear Human:
Menage-a-trois. My little joke, really find someone else.


Me and all my friends were really drunk and my girlfriends mormon bestfriend put my hand down her pants and s### happened. I told my g/f right away but i wanna know if theres anything else i can do. Can you help me?..

Dear Human:
I really get what your talking about. Oh, I see, your girlfriend's friend put your hand down HER pants. I thought you meant your girlfriend's pants. Come on people, grammar.


want to date this girl but don't know how to ask.

Dear Human:
The normal way.


How do i go about getting a girl?

Dear Human:
See above.


where can i find sex?

Dear Human:
Practically everywhere.


my husband acts 80 years old but is only 30 years old what do i do to make him more lively?

Dear Human:
It sounds like he needs to get a life.


What can I do about my cats and my boyfriends allergic reaction to them. I love my cats dearly and of course I love him too. What can I do so I won't have to choose one or the other??

Dear Human:
Nothing, you're going to have to choose between one or the other. Common sense would suggest you get rid of the cats.


I am in love with a man and do not know how to tell him, or if I should. How do I know if he really likes me and if it would be okay to tell him how I feel? I don't want to scare him!

Dear Human:
go ahead and tell him, you know you want to.


i live in alabama and everyone around me says my sister is very VERY hot, it's strange because every time they say that she gets more and more attractive. Now i am tempted to have sex with her, what should i do man?

Dear Human:
Alabama, haha.


There is this girl I really like. I'm pretty sure likes me, but I'v only known her for a short while. How should I approach her with it seeming to fast?

Dear Human:
Act really cool, like, "Oh yeah, by the way, I was going out anyway, would you like to come with me sometime?"


I love my girlfriend but I think that our relationship doiesn't mean very much anymore. Should i break up wiht her or not?

Dear Human:
What leads you to this conclusion? Is she, say, going out with other guys or something?


Why friends future father in law keeps going on and off wiht this girl. When they are going out he always thinks she comes before his kids. Everytime she breaks up wiht him he blames it on the kids, then she comes crawling back and he lets her back into his life. Should he do this or should he drop her for good?

Dear Human:
What business is it of yours?


me and my boyfriend always fights about little nonsense. what shall we do?

Dear Human:
Stop doing it.


How do I get laid?

Dear Human:
What do you want, a manual?


My boyfriend and I don't really talk to each other anymore. We just sit and ask each other all day, "So what do you want to do?" Or "What should we do tomorrow?" And we make plans and never follow through with them. I just don't know what to do. I sometimes think about just breaking up with him. But I really do love him. How can I get him to pay more attention to me?

Dear Human:
Be more decisive. Way, way more decisive.


Ilove a man - but I feel like he just needs me for sex. Once he's had it, he seems like he doesn't need to see me for several days. Does he truly love me like he says or is it lust?

Dear Human:
Probably just lust, sounds like.


my dog and my boy friend keep fighting for my attention. My dog has been with me since college but my boy friend got me a really good job. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Are you with your boyfriend just because he got you a good job? That's wrong on so many levels.


He fucks too many girls and doesnt commit

Dear Human:
.. and? Are you his girlfriend? I can see how you'd have a problem, then.


How do I get her to spend more time at home?

Dear Human:
Tie her down. Haha. Not really. Well you could, I guess, but only if she wanted to be tied down.


well I have been going out with this guy for 8 months. He tells me he doesnt tell anyone about us or doesnt want me too because he doesnt want anyone to ruin it. He hasnt even introduced me to his parents yet either. Please get back to me.

Dear Human:
He's a paranoid weirdo.



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