Advice Archive #21
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



Do de doop this site is gay. ARE YOU ALL HOMOSEXUALS? my boyfriend is.

Dear Human:
Good for you.


i cant really get the chicks to go out with me when me after i get to know them and after i talk to them for a while and i cant really get the nerve up to ask them out

Dear Human:
Sounds to me like you're a mess.


I am deeply in love with a guy who is gay. I am a woman what should I do?

Dear Human:
Turn him! As they say. Maybe you should just back off.


I have noticed that I have a slight problem problem. You see, lately I've been noticing that my partners are unhappy with the way i..."perform". I've tried removing my false teeth, but that doesn't seem to help. what should I do?

Dear Human:
EW!


I am wondering if you could give me advice about whether or not I should tell this girl I like her..... She has been my friend for about half a year now and we have interests in many different topics. One thing though, I don't think her parents will let her date untill she is 16 ( a couple months from now). I usually have the unlucky ability to goof relationships up (even if they are few to begin with). Should I confess my mind or let it ponder what could have been and try to forget.

Dear Human:
Go on, confess. You know you want to.


I'm not very good at flirting with guys. I'm very shy. How do I overcome this?

Dear Human:
Drink. Just kidding.


I think my girlfriend wouldn't mind having an affair...what should I do?

Dear Human:
Make sure she doesn't. Or make sure she does, if that's what floats your boat.


Why do I just go back to your home page when I ask my question? Are you an idiot?

Dear Human:
No. Are you?


i dont know how to talk to girls.

Dear Human:
The same way you'd talk to anyone else.


all that love-love business sounds like fun, but i just don't care enough to do the legwork. should i be looking for someone? i feel like i'm wasting my youth, what remains of it. and i've got plenty to offer, but i'm probably something of an aquired taste. i don't know, the whole business seems easier done without.

Dear Human:
Maybe you should just emasculate yourself.


my bofriend comes home late all the time?

Dear Human:
Does he work late, then?


not enough sex!

Dear Human:
Personally or in general?


My girlfriend and I enjoy sex, very much. And I am beginning to fear that we are having too much of it. Yet I don't think we can slow down anytime soon. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop worrying, you pansy.


How do I know when to make the first move?

Dear Human:
When 'the time is right'. I'm not sure when that is.


My live-in boyfriend of 4 years has not mentioned getting married.

Dear Human:
Huh.


No Sex

Dear Human:
What, ever?


I don't know how to be a man...

Dear Human:
Why bother, then?


I want to move in with a man who has 2 dogs...and I have 3 cats. Can we dominate?

Dear Human:
Can't you all co-exist peacefully?


I want a companion...but I'm not desperate enough to date inanimate objects. Am I being too picky?

Dear Human:
No.


I am bald...but it is by choice. How can I make people know that without resorting to violence?

Dear Human:
Get a shirt that says, "I am bald by choice!"


I have long hair. It is gray hair, but I have made it yellow. Does that mean I am confused sexually? No one has told me that...but I know what they are thinking when they look at my hair. Please help me!

Dear Human:
Maybe they're thinking, "Now that's some yellow hair!"


I am living in a house with a dog...some cats...and my two sons. Do we have any chance at a sitcom? Would it help if I told you I never bathe and that I can usually be found playing video games in my underwear?

Dear Human:
No, but you might have a chance of getting fleas.


Why is it that people will belive anything that is made up about the religon they believe in. Like jesus.. Who the hell came up with that load of crap? I think i'll make up my own religon.. and This time the son of god is going to be... BOB.. Whacha think?

Dear Human:
No comment.


I have been married for 8 years and have had an ongoing affair with my husbands best friend for 7. It isnt a frequent thing and we have only slept together half a dozen times in those 7 years. We talk often and I can talk to this man about almost anything. I love my husband but am also in love with this other man. What do I do?

Dear Human:
I'm thinking threesome.


i have woman troubles every girl thinks im anoying and would only date me in my dreams

Dear Human:
Well you must be a really annoying person, then.


What is the proper way to tell a girl she needs to spend a little more time down under when she is in the shower. *hence fish*

Dear Human:
Gag when you're doing oral. Haha.


whats the best way to get rid of a bunny boiler?

Dear Human:
A what?


how come when you eat macaroni you chew it,but when you throw-it-up it come out whole?

Dear Human:
That's one of life's little mysteries. And why is there always diced carrot?


What is the proper etiquette when having sex and you fart unexpectedly?

Dear Human:
Just go, "Hehe."


Is it okay to laugh when your g/f queefs when you are eating her out?

Dear Human:
Yes.


What should I say to my son when he catches me having sex with his mother in a Santa suit?

Dear Human:
Whoa, his mother was in a Santa suit? That's pretty kinky.


How do I convince my girlfriend that she is bi-sexual and wants to have sex with me and her best friend?

Dear Human:
Put one of those little tape recorders under her pillow. Not really, though.


my wife won`t swallow my cum,what can i do to change her mind

Dear Human:
Nothing.


Um I just asked one of my really good friends to winter formal (dance at our school) and she agreed to go. I need to know what to look for to see if she is interested in furthering our relationship...Thanks

Dear Human:
Well, if she grabs your package while you're dancing, I think that'd be a good clue.


There is a girl i really like, and i think she likes me too, but another girl may still consider me in a relationship with her. what should i do?

Dear Human:
Sort oout your relationships.


I like cheese doodles.

Dear Human:
Fine.


I have been with this girl for 2 years and our relationship has become stale. What would you recomend to spice things up.

Dear Human:
Nasty sex.


I really like this guy and we're dating, but I don't think he likes me back. He never does any thing and doesn't want to talk when I call him, but then he tells other people he really likes me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Find out if he's covering something up. I think you know what I mean.


i have started talking to this chick that i really like and she is one of the more popular people, but i seem to get these "vibes" from her sometimes,i cant really get the nerve to tell her i like her or ask her out.is there any way that i would ever have a chance with her?

Dear Human:
Oh, probably.



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