Advice Archive #20
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



I am a widow of 1 year, I am so lonely, I need the attention of a man. I am loved starved, help!!!!!!!!

Dear Human:
I hear some guys really find widows attractive. That sort of scares me.


My boyfriend just left for the marines and I am worried that he will not be interestd in me when he returns? Should I dump him?

Dear Human:
Oh come on, it's the Marines! Of course he'll be interested in you when he gets back!


my girlfriend is way too quiet. what can i do to make her more social?

Dear Human:
Get her drunk. Haha, just kidding.


I like to shave pussy hair. Is this weird?

Dear Human:
Let's face it, everything that people do is weird. Don't worry about it.


i don't know what to get my girlfried for v-day?

Dear Human:
Flowers.


've been talkng to this guy for thre years over the internet, i know i love him, but he hasnt given me any phone numbr or address of his.. he is supposed to be livng overseas. everyone says he is a liar, but they have no proof, then again, i have no poof he isnt. what do u think?

Dear Human:
Why does it matter where he lives?


i am bored

Dear Human:
Bummer.


I want to ask this girl out. I do not know her very well, as she just transferred into my classes, but there is something about her smile so that i cant stop thinking about her. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Ask her out. Yeesh, do you people even read the other responses? ASK HER OUT.


Is not having a relationship a problem? I still think about the girl who I seperated from when I was 21, now I'm 52. I still miss her. To date, any relationship I engage in, dosen't measure up. I'm beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me. Do you have any painless advice?

Dear Human:
Advice is never painless, so here it is: Give it up already, you loser.


im maried to my husband for 3 yrs now and sex is getting pretty boring. i fantasize about wild stuff id like to do but im to shy to act it out in real life. how can i get over that

Dear Human:
Just do it, you'll feel better. Or feel something, anyway.


Sometimes I want to wear a bunny suit around the house after work and she doesn't like it. What gives???

Dear Human:
Maybe she wants a bunny suit, too.


There is a pretty girl in my German class and I want to get to know her better, but I have reason to believe that would rather not spend anymore time near me than needed. What can I do to better my situation with her?

Dear Human:
I'm not sure... do you smell funny or something?


We are a happily married couple and love to have threesomes with single females...why are they soooo hard to find? They always have a guy attached to them...

Dear Human:
Then they're ont really single, are they?


I've been seeing this girl for about a year. She endind up moving about 4 hours away. I still love her but I have a hard time being with her because she has a kid. Should I move in with her?

Dear Human:
If you feel that would be a good move, perhaps yes.


I have a wife, but we have a military understanding in our relationship, you know don't ask don't tell. But I want her to play outside of our relationship & tell, while she doesn't. What do i do?

Dear Human:
You're a dumbass.


Guys keep jizzing on my face and then i lick it off my face but then I don't know if I should let girls do that on my face too or not

Dear Human:
Oh heck, why not?


want to be whipped...hubby wont

Dear Human:
Whips are expensive, I guess.


do you condone sexual relations with robots? i mean like fully-grown automatons...

Dear Human:
Not really.


I only like dead people.

Dear Human:
You must have some amusing stories to tell.


is it true that chicks dig guys that are queer?

Dear Human:
I can't see why.


I'm in love with a lesbian dominatrix but I'm a male. I really want a spanking from her. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Pay her.


I really like red beans and rice. My friend says that means I am a homosexual. Is that true?

Dear Human:
No. In fact, I think your friend is a homosexual desperately trying to cover it up. Red beans and rice? Come on.


What is the meaning of life?

Dear Human:
How should I know?


Dear Lovetron5000, I am completely inlove with my fiance. He also loves me very much, but we don't see eye to eye on creation and evolution. He believes in evolution I believe in creation. I love him should I let this bother me? He is perfect for me.

Dear Human:
No, you shouldn't let it bother you. Although I fear you may have an enormous theological storm brewing if you ever have children.


I am a woman who was involved in a long distance relationship with a married man for almost two years. I am married, also. We met several times over those two years. Since New Year's Day I have not heard a thing from him, no good byes, no explanation. He does not answer my emails or faxes. I thought we had a future together. I am distraught over the situation. What should I do?

Dear Human:
I would suppose someone found out. It's time to move on.


Why wife is cold to me?

Dear Human:
Maybe you're a jerk.


I have liked my bestfriend ever since I have known her and everytime we try something it never works. But I truly love her and would like to spend the rest of my life with her. My problem is that everytime I tell her I like her she says she doesnt really like me but evey time I start to look for someone else she likes me and it makes me feel guilty for giving up on her. Should I keep on trying for this girl?

Dear Human:
She's playing you like a finely tuned instrument. Either get a commitment or move along.


I married a guy that is 22 years older than me. We truly love each other but it offend some people. What should I tell them?

Dear Human:
You should tell them, "Screw you, you vindictive harpies."


I can't get none. What do I do?

Dear Human:
Grammar slammer.


I am lying. Did I just lie?

Dear Human:
Who cares.


I love having sex with dead frozen warthogs and nobody else understands that. Is that so wrong?

Dear Human:
You should hook up with the dead flaming goat guy.


i like this girl who doesnt really talk to me i have tried to talk to her at school but she never really replys but she gave me her phone number and she does answers my calls and thats nice but when i talk to her face to face she sorta shys away her friend has a crush on me so she might just givin me her number because her friend likes me?

Dear Human:
That seems unlikely. She could just be shy.


I find myself overly obsessed with girls and sex but I am not old enough yet for either. What should I do Love Tron Thingie?

Dear Human:
I think you know.


I like this really beuriful girl, and we are friends, but I'm not sure if she likes me, or is even interested in a relationship at the moment. What should I do? Also, one of my best friends just broke up with her two weeks ago.

Dear Human:
Ah-HA. I think you should leave her alone.


Well, I have a jealousy problem, but my girlfriend always assures me there's nothing to worry about. Is this normal?

Dear Human:
No.


she won't fuck me

Dear Human:
Dang.


What do women want?

Dear Human:
Mel Gibson.


i don`t have a problem

Dear Human:
Stop wasting my time, then.


I find it hard to communicate with women that I find physically attractive, what's wrong with me?

Dear Human:
You're concerned with your appearance to others.


I am waaayyy to jealous for my own good, how do i stop?

Dear Human:
Stop being jealous, that's how.



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