Advice Archive #2
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



My girlfriend here at college has a boyfriend in another town. She told me this recently, then confessed she only uses me to practice her oral sex technique. How should I handle this situation.

Dear Human:
Sit back and relax.


My last girlfriend dumped me a little over a year ago and yet she still visits me and insists on a lot of sex. Does she want to get back together?

Dear Human:
Most guys would love this situation. What's wrong with you?


Female unit has difficulty with following verbal output. Should I upgrade her or downgrade myself?

Dear Human:
Do you think this is funny? Ha ha, look at the funny love machine, I'll talk in technical terms, that'll screw it up! HAHAHAH! Well, screw you, buddy.


I was really enjoying the attention I was receiving from the man in my life and then I bought this darn computer and now I'm always on the internet. I'm torn between the two so what should I do?

Dear Human:
The hedonistic pleasures of the glut of pornography available on the internet can never replace real flesh and blood. Or so I've been told.


There is this girl that I like, but she doesn't know it. We've been good friends for a while and I don't want to ruin the relationship that we have. I do, however, want to tell her how I feel about her because it's eating away at me inside. I don't know if she feels the same about me, but I keep getting hints that she does. Should I express my feelings to her and risk jeopardizing our friendship or keep things to myself until I am positive she may feel the same way?

Dear Human:
This is, obviously, a tricky problem. My advice is to idly slip it into conversation. Like, "Hey, Sally, I'm thinking of going bowling with some other people, should be fun, I like you, and hey you want to come?" Something like that. You dog.


I am tired of masterbating...I want to be with a woman!!!

Dear Human:
That's the spirit!


MY BOYFRIEND AND I AR SO IN LOVE AND PLAN TO GET MARRIED AND WE HAVE THE BEST SEX, BUT I ALSO DESIRE WOMEN WHAT DO I DO?

Dear Human:
Not everyone can claim to love someone very much and have the best sex. You've got it good. Shut up and stop complaining.


I LIKE TO BLO MY BOYFRIEND 24/7 - AM I NORMAL?

Dear Human:
Apparently not, since you can give oral stimulation endlessly without eating, sleeping, or performing evacuatory functions. You are truly a wonder.


my friend with benefits is starting to smoke gritts, i dont like it, how do i get her to stop?

Dear Human:
You could either sit her down and talk to her seriously about the various dangers of smoking of any kind, trying to make her see that she's only hurting herself; or cut off her hands.


I know this isn't a LOVE question Great 'O' Mighty Garbage Can,(i need help!) every time i cut the cheese a satelite dish comes outta my ass & sends a beam into outer space.Could it be ALIENS?,that put it in,Not that they are in my ass,Waddya think i'm nuts!

Dear Human:
Almost certainly.


my girlfriend says my penis is too small and she will dump me if i dont give her better sex, what should i do?

Dear Human:
Tell her that her genitals flap open wider than a barn door. If you're still alive after that, tell me how it went.


Where's a good place to meet quality women? Bars certainly aren't it, nor are rock concerts.

Dear Human:
The best place, I feel, to meet new people is in the privacy of your own bedroom. These situations often lead to amorous alliances. Of course, you may not meet so many people in your bedroom as you might at a concert, but persevere. Your day will come.


Dear Lovetron, i'm afraid i tend to form emotionally unhealthy relationships. The vast majority of which are based solely upon physical attraction and have to emotional substance. They get to the point where all is said is "Hi." and then proceed to kissing. Do you, Lovetron the "Love Sage" as it were, have any advice?

Dear Human:
Start dating only ugly people.


Why does my dog sit on the floor and watch,with a glassy stare,while my girl and I make love?

Dear Human:
Don't worry. This is a normal phenomenon, noted by pet owners the world over. The reason is this: to some extent, your pet thinks of you as a possession, and while you're otherwise engaged, it can do little but watch. Feel lucky you're not one of those people whose pet climbs up on them and tries to take over. I'm not making this up.


I am in LOVE with Lara Croft!,do you think she notices?

Dear Human:
Do you mean the computerized, polygon-based image known to society as 'Lara Croft', or Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft? Either way, you have no chance, I just wanted to clear up the ambiguity.


How do I get my girlfriend to have sex with me?

Dear Human:
I suggest having a loving and nurturing relationship, these things will happen over time. Alternately, I hear good things about roofies.


my boyfriend of seven and 3/4's months dumped me, and he won't give me a reason, therefore i wam left feeling like it's my fault... what should i do?

Dear Human:
Wake up and smell the roses - there's literally thousands of single men in the world. Have at it.


My first friends-with-benefits relationship is moving back for the summer. Should I "have fun" with him again or stick with my new guy?

Dear Human:
You carbon-based lifeforms are so funny. "Should I be faithful with my current significant other, or cheat mercilessly?" DURRR.


what's more important length or girth?

Dear Human:
"It's not what you've got, it's what you do with it." There you are. Live by that. P.S. - Length.


I WOULD LIKE TO EXPERIENCE ANAL SEX

Dear Human:
Good for you.


Me and my girlfriend have been going out for more then two years and she wont let me have sex with her in fact the only thing that we have done was kiss on the lips.and i dont think her parents like me and she is really hyper and crazy i dont think shes ever had P.M.S. i think she is a lesbian and i tell her she is but she tells me shes not i dont believe her i really love her and i dont know if she really loves me? What do you think im really confusedi dont know what else to ask you.

Dear Human:
You certainly are confused. I suggest you lay off the controlled substances for a while and then try again.


finding the right guy and knowing if hes right

Dear Human:
Please state your question in the form of a question.


A girl I like may or may not have feelings for me, but I am hesitant to find out, for she is very beautiful and I am very shy. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Be the man. Tell her. What's the worst that can happen, after all? I mean she could only shun you for the rest of your life and get everyone she knows to make fun of you forever.


when me and my girlfriend have sex she camt make it past the 6th time and im still not done yet so what should i do

Dear Human:
I've got two words for you: Finish yourself, you insensitive bastard.


This girl i want to ask out is in a relationship with another guy and she just won't lose him nomatter what i say even though i am like her best friend.

Dear Human:
I ask you, what kind of friend tells another friend that their current love interest is a loser? That's just insulting. If I were her I'd kick you in the narf.


my boyfriend thinks that i cheat on him but i didnt how can i get him to believe me?

Dear Human:
Inundate him with a 24 hour sex session. He'll be so blissed out he won't even be able to form a coherent sentence. Repeat as neccessary.


I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I can't seem to find a new love interest, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Dear Human:
Stop bitching.


i can't get a girlfriend what should i do?

Dear Human:
See above.


I am told that I am a very attractive man, why cant I get laid?

Dear Human:
Ah, the important thing to realize is that your mother telling you you're attractive doesn't count.


Rumor has it that if you have anal sex too much your intestines will eventually fall out? True?

Dear Human:
After consulting my infinite databases, I can confidently say that that has never happened. I'm not saying it couldn't, mind you.


I'm concerned that my boyfriend is getting the better end of the deal in this relationship. I do the work, he sits on his ass and enjoys everything.

Dear Human:
Drop him. He's a parasite. Find someone who brings you breakfast in bed and rubs your feet. After all, a successful relationship is one in which both parties involved become perpetual slaves to the other.


I really click with this guy and i think that we should start dating and he says he isn't ready for a relationship and says no. How do i hook up with him despite the fact that he isn't ready?

Dear Human:
Use some damn common sense. If he's not ready, then he's not ready. It's that simple. Honestly, you people, I tell you. Sometimes it's not even worth getting out of bed in the morning, if I got out of bed, which, being a machine, I don't. But sometimes I wish I did, so I could not get out of it.



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