Advice Archive #18
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



my guy is so shy!

Dear Human:
Why?


I live in Romania.

Dear Human:
Bummer.


I have this cute girl good friend that i really like. she is also pretty and guys always flirt with her. We are close when we are together but I don't know whether or not I am special to her or just another guy she plays with. Help me out, Lovetron!

Dear Human:
I think you should ask her. Even if she's brutally honest, at least you'll know.


I like the night life.

Dear Human:
I like to boogie.


My girlfriend sucks my "tallywhacker too much" epecially when i rent movies. Every time i put "it" back up she takes "it" out and do what she does best. She has a fit when she can't have "it" How can i get her to watch the movie. so i can stop wasting my money

Dear Human:
Maybe you should just pretend to watch movies, it's not like she'd notice anyway.


I've been living with a woman 8 years my senior (I'm 62) for the last 20 years. The relationship has deteriorated to the extent that we're strangers living under the same roof....In the last 3 months I've gotten into an intense online relationship with a 26 year old single mother. She thinks we have a shot and should get married. I've been very clear with her, telling her I'm ddisabled and broke. She has a good job and she'd better have if she's going to hook up with me; she's aware of all this and still wants to give it a try. Have I lost my mind completely? Haas she?

Dear Human:
Maybe you both have a bit, but you could always try it anyway.


I can't figure it out. Seems as if "something" is supposed to "do" something with "something" and then we are likely to "get off." At least that's what Father Eugene tells me. But, does HE know? And what ARE these things, anyway? Please help.

Dear Human:
I'm sure Father Eugene can explain it to you. And I don't mean in an icky way.


I just broke off my engagement a month ago. We were together 3 yrs, but I am already over it. I was set up on a blind date last week and had a good time. Is it too early??

Dear Human:
I guess not.


afraid of commitment

Dear Human:
Afraid of punctuation, too. Anyway. Why?


She wants a man with a really small penis, and I have a 12 inch penis, how can we work it out?

Dear Human:
Chop some off. Haha, just joking around.


My fiance won't dress up in a monkey suit and spank me?

Dear Human:
That's not a question, but okay: Why do you want her to do that anyway?


My girlfreind went home for winter break an on her last day out with her freindsa couple of days ago. I called her cell phone like 3 times left a message telling her to call me back an she didn't. I woke up the next morning an she still didn't call so I called an left another message cause I was worried I didn't hear back from her. She called me back later that day saying she was angry at me. So I didn't call her again. Then today on her way to the airport she called me to let me know she was leaving I asked if she was still angry at me an she said "I don't know". Then she didn't call me again. Now tommorow I am going to see her well I am going to try? Is she still mad at me....what can I do please help Lovetron 5000!!!!

Dear Human:
I think she's a little scary, but in any case, you should go to meet her with no pre-expectations. That way, you're ready for anything.


Not interested in sex

Dear Human:
Well there you are.


r gurls at the laundramat really worth the effor?especally if you've seen the skid marks on the panties???

Dear Human:
Hard to say. If there are skid marks on every pair they own, I'd wonder about them a bit.


Well, see my boyfriend has this problem. When he goes to the bathroom, he announces it to everone. What can I do?

Dear Human:
I suggest something that psychologists refer to as 'negative reinforcement'. Whenever your boyfriend announces that he's going to the bathroom, kick him in the narf. He will soon learn to keep quiet.


My bf is married, what should I do?

Dear Human:
Find someone else.


I lick my butt too much and think about making Britney Spears eat my cum. What should I do

Dear Human:
Get out more, you weirdo.


I have been married one year now and I think marriage sucks even though my wife is a wonderful person. Is this just a phase?

Dear Human:
Probably. Ask yourself what's so bad about it. It's not your wife, apparently, so what else is there?


Me and my girlfriend that I plan on marrying have been together for roughly 6 motnhs and well.....when we make love...its well.....AMAZING, The best I have ever had, she is a godess I love it......what should I do?

Dear Human:
You should shut up, that's what.


should i tell my wife i love her 1000 time a day?

Dear Human:
Considering that's once every minute and a half, I don't think so.


I'm a virgin - but my girlfriend and I have been discussing on changing that. I'm still little nervous, but I am slowly considering it. Should I?

Dear Human:
Sure, go for it.


I like this guy, Dan, and he likes me, and he says, "not just to do dirty things with" and he makes me laugh and all that great stuff, but then there's this German exchange student who says he loves me and can't imagine life without me and I said I'd go to Prom with him before he said he loved me and I think that's really dicky of him. How do I get out of Prom so I can go with Dan?

Dear Human:
Well, if he's an exchange student, he'll be leaving anyway so you might feel like a bit of a schmuck, but you could just dump him.


I really like hookers, but they get in the way of my regular relationship. Like ah, what should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop seeing them. Not only are they getting in the way, they're costing you money.


girlfriend lost interest

Dear Human:
Darn.


I really like this girl, but she just wants to date. I need to know how I can get her to hook up with me?

Dear Human:
What do you mean 'hook up'? She does want to date you... what more do you want?


i want more sex but my boyfriend lives long distance & im too young to drive there. how do i get the time to get more sex? I think i am addicted to sex!! i wouldn't want to fuck someone else because my boyfriend is SOOOOO GOOOOD in bed!!!!! (he is 18)

Dear Human:
Bicycle.


I don t know if I m mental or anything,but I find women of other races(i m white) more attractive than mine. Is that a problem or is that normal ??? Orientals appeal to me the most ...

Dear Human:
It's not a problem if you can find someone who likes you in return, I would think.


Shouldn't a computer as powerful as your self be diong more then answering stupid peoples love questions about ass sex?

Dear Human:
You would think so, wouldn't you?


What should I do? There are a lot of girls at my school that I am into. How do i find out wich ones with out asking each one and looking like a asshole?

Dear Human:
There is no way to not look like an asshole if you ask every girl. My advice is to pick one.


Are women still insain in the future?

Dear Human:
I've not noticed that women, in general, are insane in the present, so as to whether they're still insane, that's sort of a silly question.


what should I do tomarow, kill or go to school?

Dear Human:
Go to school. Education is important.


I like this guy who is a fool, well I don't really like him. But he's really cute and I thought he really could understand me and I could help him not be such a fool.

Dear Human:
If you don't really like him, then why are you bothering? Good intentions aside, are you sure you want to get entangled in something you might not want?


My boyfriend lives in another country. I love him very much but don't think I want to spend my whole life with him. We have been dating for a year. Also, neither one of us is financially able to move, so we will have a long-distance relationship for a long time. What should do?

Dear Human:
So: you can't move, you don't really like him anyway. Obviously, you should find someone else.


if 49... and there's this 16 year old girl at work that wants me.. should i encourage this young lady or just pleasure myself while thinking about the possibilities......d

Dear Human:
I'd encourage you to stay away from her - that's a good way to get in trouble.


why does my girlfriend get mad at me for masterbating? it's not like im cheating on her.

Dear Human:
Maybe it is like you're cheating on her... WITH YOURSELF! Actually I have no idea.


I need a boyfriend, I've been looking everywhere but I can't find one....should I resort to sheep?

Dear Human:
No. Sheep make lousy lovers.


i cant get the guy i want

Dear Human:
That sucks.


i have an idiot for a husband and he is living with a butt ugly woman that chews tobacco and smells like horse piss.I just don't know how to handle this

Dear Human:
Whoa, are you saying that you're a butt ugly woman and you chew tobacco and smell like horse piss, or what? Or that he's cheating on you? Either way you've got problems.


armpit

Dear Human:
golf ball.


mi girlfriend intrested for more than one boyfriend.she wants to have more that 7 boyfriends,i.e mon ,tue bla bla

Dear Human:
That's pretty irresponsible of her.


There is this guy that really likes me. I'm not sure if I like him. He isn't the best looking guy on earth either. I don't know what to do!!!

Dear Human:
Well... since you're not sure if you like him and he's kind of ugly, why are you even asking me what to do?


Do you give good head?

Dear Human:
No.


I've been friends with this guy for almost a year now. I know he likes me, and he's really a sweet guy, but I just don't like him in a relationship sense. I'm actually starting to have feelings for one of his friends... should I go for it? And do you think that he would understand? He promised me we would always be friends "no matter what"... do you think that includes this situation?

Dear Human:
No.


No girlfriend.

Dear Human:
Bummer.



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