Advice Archive #16
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



the past couple i relationships i've had did not end very well. I thought things were fine in the relationship, and was beginning to really care for the other person. However, right when i feel comfortable, the guy brakes up with me and says he doesn't care about me in a "relationship" kind of way. They say it's not me, but if more than one guy is saying this, then is there something i'm doing that most other women in relationships don't do. People always tell me i make a really great listner and friend, but nothing more than that. Is there something wrong with that, or am i just missing something when it comes to relationships?

Dear Human:
Maybe you just think you're doing something wrong - maybe all the guys you've thus far hooked up with are jerks.


I like this guy alot and he likes me very much too, but his best friend and i have been talking for 7 months, and is upset because he loves me..also the guy i like lives 90 minutes away...so seeing each other often maybe hard..what should i do?

Dear Human:
Pick the one you like more.


Don't know where I stand

Dear Human:
On your feet. Ha ha.


My significant other and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have not had sex in the last 4 years. I don't know how much longer I can go on this way. He is never in the mood. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Find out why she's not. Maybe you're being annoying.


my husband is very touchy. I can not discuss anything with him because he will start shouting and throwing things

Dear Human:
Leave him. He's a jerk.


I need sex.

Dear Human:
So do many other people, apparently. You should try and find one of them.


What relationship? I couldn't get a date in a cathouse with a pocket full of one hundred dollar bills!!!!!

Dear Human:
Wow, you must be pretty ugly.


i dont know how to get a girlfriend. girls always tell me im sweet and that im cute but i havent had a girlfriend in a long time. none of the girls i know seem interested in me. so do you have some advice?

Dear Human:
So what happened to your former girlfriend?


Dear Lovetron, Are you available, and if so, are you a virgin?

Dear Human:
If you don't mind going out with a number of cabinets full of circuitry bolted to the floor in a very boring room, then sure!


i love my best friend but i don't want to break up with my current girlfriend

Dear Human:
See if she'll go for a threesome. I am, of course, joking.


I always seem to end up with blood-sucking demon bitches for girlfriends. They drain me of all of my love and emotion, leaving me an empty and spiteful husk to confront the cold world all alone. I think that they should be nailed to a cross and left to die in Siberia. Is this normal?

Dear Human:
Not really. I mean, Siberia? That's pretty far away.


I like this guy who lives in another state. We get along really well and recently he told me that he might move to Arizona with his job and he is not sure what he should do and asked me for advice. I want to tell him to move to my state but I am not sure if that would go over too well. What should I say to him?? I don't want him moving away from me!!! Help!

Dear Human:
I'm assuming here that it's impossible for you to move, instead. If so, you may have to accept the fact of his moving and get on with your life... that's probably not the answer you're looking for, though.


I've been with my girlfriend for a few months now and she is great but I am 18 and looking for quantity at this point. She says she is crazy about be but I dont want this to go on. Should I break up with her?

Dear Human:
No. You may want quantity but quality is, in fact, more elusive. As you seem to have it now, I suggest you hold onto it.


i can't have a stable relationship.

Dear Human:
Bummer.


I like this woman in one of my classes, but I don't know how to tell her. I talk to her everyday and she always smiles when she sees me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Ask her out for coffee. That always works.


I feel sorry for you. I read some of the entrys and not only do a good bit sound like complete bullshit but about 70% of them are stupid. Like ther person who asked if they should have an affair, everyone knows or should know that the answer would be no. And nobody should give you puntuation advice if they spell 'you' 'u'. I got my problems but I mean shit. Some of these people are apparently blind to the way things work now a days. And to the guy who likes to have sex with dead male goats that are on fire, that's either bullshit or I'm going to laugh my ass off when the news reports say that someone has recieved third degree burns from having sex with a dead male goat on fire. Anyways Lovetron I say you get a bat and every time a stupid question is asked you just hit them with it. Oh yeah the reason I came here. I think women are turned off by my high I.Q. Just out of curiosity what do you think?

Dear Human:
Maybe your standards are too high.


i'm lesbian, i'm in love with a girl who can't come out of the closet. i called her sister and told her i was in love with her sister (she knows she's gay.) now she hates me. what should i do?

Dear Human:
So what's the problem? Everybody involved already knew. I think your girlfriend is just being silly.


I am dating a woman who only wants to stay in, cook meals for, do anything for me and make love everytime we are together. Am I missing something, or what should I do?

Dear Human:
What do you mean what should you do? You've got the American Dream.


I love him more, and he says that he loves me more. Who is right?

Dear Human:
Neither. And both.


I cry all of the time because i feel that my boyfriend dosen't care about me as much as i care for him i want to syop being so damn sensitive what can i do?

Dear Human:
Stop being so ridiculous.


not being able to say i love you

Dear Human:
What about it?


No one likes me.

Dear Human:
I like you.


I think I am in love with a robot

Dear Human:
What kind of robot? Like one of those robotic arms they use on assembly lines? Those are pretty hot.


I cant seem to bring myself to tell a certain girl how i feel about her. My shyness seems to over-power all my other wants and desires. how can I tell her how i feel?

Dear Human:
If your shyness is really that bad, you could always slip her a note.


Why does my husband not appreciate me?

Dear Human:
I think the question you should be asking yourself is, "Is my husband an insensitive lout?"


a guy i go to school with hits on me a lot, but is apparently only interested in sex. i'm not opposed to having sex with him, i'm opposed to the possible after affects, such as him no longer pursuing me and being labeled as a slut at school. should i go for it, shoot him down or wait until graduation when it won't matter anymore...or something else?

Dear Human:
Go for it. People who call other people sluts are just jealous.


my wife of 3yrs. says that i want sex too much, for 1. 2 she gives me very little sincere affection.she just loves her kids.what should i do?

Dear Human:
Talk to her about it. It may just be that she's locked onto focusing on the kids, and she's finding it hard to shift away from them. That, or she doesn't like you.


Do you see any conflict between a Catholic and Morman getting married?

Dear Human:
Nope. Well, unless you try to convert each other.


I like this girl at work alot and shes really cool and we flirt with each other all the time and I want to ask her out but theres one tiny problem. She has a Boyfriend. I mean she's always talking about all the bad things he does and never gets her anything like for christmas or valentines. But she alwasys ends the conversation wiht he's my baby. Is she giving me mixed signals or what? Shoul I ask her out? Please help Me please

Dear Human:
If those aren't mixed signals, I don't know what mixed signals are. She'd probably act really shocked and angry if you asked her out. I'd stay away.


I was dating a guy who is very close to perfect for me, but now he just wants to be friends. We spend a lot of time together, but I still hope that he will want me as a girlfriend again. How can I get over him?

Dear Human:
Isn't the point that you want him to be your boyfriend again? Why would you want to get over him?


What's a good way to ask someone out? Also, what's a good first date, not too intimate, yet not too public? A movie at my house? hmm...

Dear Human:
Going to a movie is good. A movie at your house is far, far too intimate.


How does a guy, who doesn't have a license, pick up chicks?....i mean it just opens itself wide for a smartass comment

Dear Human:
I guess you should look for dates within walking distance.


my boyfriend wants to wait 2 years to get engaged and then a few years after that to get married. When we got together he told me a year till we get engaged. Now all the sudden things have changed. what should I do?

Dear Human:
Maybe he's just nervous. Talk it over with him.


My girlfriend and i have a communication problem. We dont talk about where the relationship is going. What shall I do?

Dear Human:
Does it matter? What I want to know is what's up with you people, always wanting your lives planned out for the next 50 years. Get a grip.


I love two guys. I am married to one. Who should I be with?

Dear Human:
Your husband, I would think.


I met this girl at a party and she was the one to first come and talk to me , we really had a nice time. The Next day I mailed her saying " it was nice being with u" and she never replied to it, Instead whenever we used to meet she used to taunt me as if to make me feel that I am following her wherever she goes. The other day I got her Phone number from her and tried calling her up, but she never picked up the call. This happened three times, I dont know what she is up to!

Dear Human:
Maybe she was drunk.


there is this gal in texas we really care for each other. i live in florida and we both have careers in different places. hers being the better in money $200,000 to my $75000. she says come out here and start over,and if yoiu cant find you a new job you like,dont work i make enough for both of us.

Dear Human:
That sounds okay in theory, but in practice I wonder if it would work.


cant get it up

Dear Human:
You can get drugs for that.


My boyfriend hardly calls me, and when he does, he talks about stupid stuff. Any ideas for good conversations or how to get him to call more often?

Dear Human:
Some guys just don't like talking on phones. I don't know why. But there you are.


Is the tongue twister thing that goes "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" said like that or "couldN't chuck wood"? Yeah, its pretty important that I get to the bottom of this...

Dear Human:
It's could chuck wood. Obviously.


Hey dude, I just wanna tell you about today. Man, 3 kids got busted at school for havin' 4 ounces of mary jane. Pretty stupid, eh? Well anyway the way they got caught was they were smokin' before school at say about, 7:20am? Man I dont know if I could smoke that early. I've never smoked weed before though, I just drink. Drinking is fun, ya' know. As long as my parents dont find out! They would flip, especially my mom, who freaks out at everything. Anyway, have you ever taken Calculus? Im in Calc 1&2 right now, and Ive got an 80.3%!!!! I hope I can keep my B, but my teacher doesnt really like me cause I just sit there in class and dont do my homework. Homework is really gay anyway, I mean its so pointless! I dont get any smarter by doing 2 hours of calculus homework every night. Right now we are studying logarithms and shit like that. Yeah it pretty much sucks. Oh, and in my final exam in Physics, I got an 8 out of 30 on the free response part :/. That really blew, because now I need to ace th e multiple choice just to pass and keep my B average! The only reason I did so poorly is because I had a final in Spanish 4 and Calculus right before that class! I zoned out for part of the test, and when I snapped out of it, I was like, "Oh shit, im taking a final!". Anyway, hopefully Ill get my license this february. My parents are really gay and didn't let me get my learners until after my 16th birthday, and now im waiting for the stupid 4-month time that I need to have it to expire. I think I can get it February 27th, but Im not quite sure. By the way, can you drink or drive since your a robot? Definitely not together of course, but I guess you cant 'cause you probably dont have arms or legs or anything. Also, I need a girlfriend, dude! I havnt had a girl since last year in 10th grade. But I have been working really hard in school and stuff... oh well. I think my most repulsive quality is acne... I dont really have acne, but I cant get rid of any zits, when they go away new ones come back. Do you know of any good zit treatment things? Oh well, Id really appreciate it if you could suggest one. Well, have a nice friday night, I think Ill head over to Mike's house now, his parents are totally oblivious to everything that goes on.

Dear Human:
Right you are.


i was in love with my best friend and he went off to college after telling me when he came back we would see what happened. When he did, he was a jerk and I think tried on purpose to break my heart.

Dear Human:
Maybe he is a jerk, then.


I am very close with my girlfriend of 7 years, but I am really attracted (phyically, emotionally, mentally) to a beautiful Japanese girl I met a couple of months ago. I don't want to screw up a good thing, but I can't stop thinking about this other woman. I feel like I'm turning my back on a life changing experience. Help!

Dear Human:
Just think about the Japanese girl when you're making love to your girlfriend, that way everyone wins.


I'm in love with a guy and it seams that hes pulling away from me and the relationship.He says it isn't true but there alway that little vocie in the back of my head saying that he is. Sould I go with my vocie or his?

Dear Human:
You should try and balance the two. Or see a psychiatrist.


I think my ideals are too high for most men to reach. I have very high expectations of potential boyfriends, and that gets me into trouble with my relationships... if you can even call them that. Should I lower my ideals, or stick to them and wait for that great guy?

Dear Human:
High standards are the bane of any relationship. Stop being so picky.


I went out with this girl once and she treated me like dirt. Now she sucks up to me, but every so often slaps me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
She's insane. Get away.


I have been dating the same person for 3 years and figure it is about time to get engaged. But I do not know when or how to do it. This girl is very special to me and I want to ask her in a special way so she will remember it forever. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Just do it like they do in the movies - be walking somewhere romantic, and all of a sudden when she's not expecting it, whip out a ring and go down on one knee and pop the question, while a flight of doves goes by in the background and fireworks go off somewhere.


I've been friends with this one guy for a while. He asked me out and I said no, that's when we became friends. Lately, we've been asting more than just flirting, but I still haven't asked him out. Am I wrong to not ask him when we are getting involved? Am I leading him on by fooling around wiht him and not asking him out?

Dear Human:
You don't HAVE to ask someone out to be going out.


There's this one girl who I like a lot, but she's in with the super popular crowd. We talk all the time, and we're really good friends. We talk about almost everything. I just need to know how I can get her to start dating me even though I'm not of her social status and boyfriend type. Can you help me with this one?

Dear Human:
You could always try asking her out.


i have feelings for this girl ,who is one of my best friends, for one year but im too scared to tell her. since i havent told her shes been going out with other guys mostly my other friends please help me on what i should do

Dear Human:
You could always try asking her out.


My fiance treats the dogs better than me sometimes! When he came home from a business trip, he immediately laid on the floor and let the dogs climb all over him. Meanwhile, I'm in the hallway tapping my foot furiously. He is loving, kind and gives me all kinds of attention any other time of the day except when the dogs are around. What should I do?

Dear Human:
'Accidentally' run over the dogs. Haha. I'm kidding.


I'm a 22 year old virgin who has masturbated his whole life. Should I consider buying a prostitute for my first time?

Dear Human:
No. No no no.


I am in love with 4 women. What do I do?

Dear Human:
Pick one.


I love a close friend and i want to tell him that i love him. He has a ex-girlfriend that I know he thinks of, and some other straggling girl that he won't commit to that drives me to tears. Is 8 years of friendship something I should sacrifice?

Dear Human:
No. You should lay it on the line.


ok honny come home im tired if waiting for you. If you dont come hom soon im going to leave you. Kiss this goodby you will never be able to plug into this again.

Dear Human:
Very funny, ha ha.



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