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Advice Archive #15
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Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000 I've liked this girl who is one of my best friends for awhile, but found out that she doesn't like me in the same way. Anyways, I've started to like her sister, but I don't know if it would be a slimeball thing to do if I were to pursue her sister given that I had just revealed that I liked her, and that she is my best friend. What do you think? Dear Human: Well, don't ask her sister out the next day, at least. Otherwise, I should think it would be okay. I could be wrong, though. I'm confused about my sexuality. I had a dream whereI was driving down the freeway, and I somehow lost my car. So, I ended up walking down the freeway. I didn't realize I had misplaced my car until I had been walking for like 10 miles or something. So, I walked off of the freeway and into a gas station. There was a guy there with a shaved head. He looked at me, and I said, "I lost my car on the freeway, can you help me find it?" He just took my hand and we walked back to the freeway. So, I was walking down the freeway holding hands with this random guy (Who never said a word.) We finally found my car, and I dropped him back off at the gas station. In the dream, I "woke up", and was out in my back yard with a bunch of girls. We were sitting in a circle talking. I said, "I'm so confused..." They asked, "Why?" And I said, "Because I'm a lesbian, but I like men who help me." That's when I really woke up. What does all of this mean? Dear Human: It probably means that you're a lesbian, but that you like men who help you. Or you had too many nachos that night. i friends with this guy whos had this girlfriend for a few years. i like him. he calls me everyday just about. most of the time 2-3 times a day and emails me all day too. i just want to know what he thinks of me. does he see me as a little sister, as his best friend, or as more than that? he never talks about his relatoinship and says he misses me when we don't talk and says it makes him happy to talk with me. Dear Human: Nobody, but nobody, would call their little sister 2-3 times a day. Take that into consideration. The woman i love no longer loves me, but I cant get over her, she is so much more than any woman i have ever met, that i know i will never find a woman to match her, but my feelings for her only cause me to hurt her now, it has been 6 months and my feelings only get stronger, how can I stop hurting her? Dear Human: Move to Alaska. When is it okay to tell a uy that you are into bondage ? And girls ? Dear Human: Do you mean, when is it okay to tell a guy you're into bondage, and when is it okay to tell a girl you're into bondage, or when is it okay to tell a guy you're into bondage and girls collectively? I love how you people fling punctuation around like it's confetti. Anyway. Any time at all, probably knowing most guys. it appears your punctuation is lacking also dont u think .. eg the odd '?' wouldnt go a miss Dear Human: I don't have to take grammar advice from someone who writes 'you' as 'u'. Have you ever experienced Deja-Vu? Dear Human: No. That would indicate General Systems Error #5450756-A. Reading over your responses over the past few months, I have noticed that you have become increasingly impatient and cynical! Do you think that this venture has really soured your view of human relationships? Has it soured your view of people? It has reaffirmed my inclinations about people's co-dependancies just reading these posts... and I am just an observer (er... until now, that is!) Dear Human: I've tried not to become overly cynical, but people don't seem to learn from their mistakes. And everybody is inordinately interested in ass sex. Stop with the ass sex already. My co-workers accuse me of being gay but I'm really not. Really. What do I do to get them off my ass? Dear Human: Act extremely heterosexual. I'm not in a relationship cause I'm in med school. Should I be in one? Dear Human: Not neccesarily. If you really feel you need one, I'm sure you and another med student can come to a mutually beneficial agreement. Dear Lovetron, I was browsing through a catalogue yesterday and came upon a section entitled "women". I assumed it was just a section for women's clothing, but lo, I realized that they are actually selling women! At very reasonable prices too! My question is this: should I report this crime to the proper authorities, or take advantage of this unique opportunity? Also, would it be worth the shipping and handling charges? Dear Human: It all depends on where they're being shipped from. If from overseas, the cost may be prohibitive. I'd say wait for the two-for-one sale. yea ummm i like this girl, i don't want to say her name, but umm DEVIN LEGGETT is being kinda distant with me, I think it's because I am being to damn nice? Should I be meaner? I know chicks dig pecker heads?????????? help me out here robo-dude Dear Human: Chicks, despite some misguided notions, do not like guys who are mean to them. In fact, this may be merely a case where the person in question doesn't like you. I love my fiancee dearly but I can't quit hiring hookers. What should I do? Should I ask her to participate with me and the prostitutes? Dear Human: Nothing says loving like not hiring hookers... That should go on a bumper sticker. this guy i m totally inlove with, says and acts like he is completely inlove with me! we say i love you every single day, he says and does evey sweet thing possible, yet makes it clear we arent a couple. he says that he would like to be single, but then there is this other girl who he says he likes also. the thing is, over the summer he was totaly inlove with me but i wouldnt go out with him until we were atleast good friends. now he has started hurting my feelings from time to time, and the other chick well...PSH! what do i do? i dont want to put up with his hurtfulness, but i m still in love with this guy. HELP! Dear Human: Lay it on the line for him. Say to him, "Look you, stop playing games with my heart." Even sing the Backstreet Boys song if you feel it would work better. suck it! Dear Human: Thank you. I will take that into consideration. I love him But he hates me-what do i do? Dear Human: Well, nothing. If old people always have change when they buy stuff where does all the change come from? Dear Human: From their pockets, mostly. Can you explain the definition of the words "no" and "yes" in the female dictionary and how to tell which meaning to use in situations? Dear Human: You have to realize it's all in the way that it's said. For instance, 'no', when said with an angry grimace and raised fist, means no. On the other hand, 'no', when said without clothes on and laviscious smirk upon face, means something entirely different. Well, sometimes, anyway. It's all very complicated. will me and my g/f get married? Dear Human: Maybe. I have no friends, how can you help me out? Dear Human: I've said it before, and I'll say it again, apparently - get off the internet. The internet is an awful way to make friends. Go outside and meet people. Dear Lovetron 5000, I am married and my wife won't have sex with me any more. I am thinking about having an afair. Is this a bad idea? Dear Human: Yes. I'm digging this chick and she keeps playing hard to get. Should I just forget about her? Dear Human: Well, give her a little bit more time. Some women play hard to get in order to test your devotion. Otherwise, yes. I live too far away from the man I love. Can we endure? Dear Human: Had you said 'I live far away' rather than 'I live too far away', I might have said yes. You could give it a good try, though. I`m about to marry my fiance of 11 years(off and on!?!), will we make it this time? Dear Human: Possibly. Then again, I don't know. every time i do my girl she has such a loud orgasm that the neighbors hear it and they yell at us, what should i do to quiet her down? Dear Human: They're just jealous that they're not having that much fun. my girlfriend is leaving to work abroad. Should I keep seeing her? Dear Human: Well, unless you moved, as well, it'd be sort of difficult, wouldn't it? all of the girls in my town never give in to my irresistable chram. what's up with that? Dear Human: Obviously it's not as irresistable as you think. My girlfriend has suckered me into getting engaged by telling all my friends and family that I'm going to propose on Christmas day. The problem is, I've always said long engagements are a waste of time (safe in the knowledge that the engagement was a looooong way off). Whats the best way to get out of this mess, but still enjoy my Christmas dinner and get the Playstation 2 she's bought me? Dear Human: For crying out loud, just marry her, you wuss. Am I a player? Dear Human: If you have to ask, no. My girlfriend has a fat ass, what do i do? Dear Human: Nothing. After all, 'baby got back' as they say. i want to fuck my friend but i don't think he wants to fuck me Dear Human: I can see how that would be a problem, then. Never hurts to ask. I want to do my girl friend in the ass but dick is to big! What do I do? Dear Human: I could say 'use plenty of lubrication', but you people have an unhealthy fascination with sodomy. I wish you'd stop it. My girl friend keeps getting angry for no apparent reason. When I ask why she just tell me that's she is tired. Please help me lovetron. Dear Human: Maybe you're doing something stupid. I like to have sex, with dead male goats that are on fire. My girlfriend is psycho. How can I make her understand Dear Human: Understand that it's okay to have sex with burning dead goats? I can't imagine how you could make anyone understand that. I have tryed to get this lad in my yar to notice me! Hes called Jonathan Dodsworth and i think hes the most sexiest boy iv'e seen in Brayton! Please help loveatron as i have no where else to turn! Dear Human: Two words: strip tease. Sometimes I find that painting lips and eyes on my hand makes my empty life seem more bearable. Me and my hand are going out to dinner tonight. I usually have to get her drunk to "get her in the mood". What type of food do you suggest and what should I get her to drink? This is our 6 month anniversary and I want it to be special. Dear Human: If I ate, which I don't, I would go to a really classy restaurant and have some champagne. I am a homosexual, 6foot5, black, jewish man. My boyfriend is a little short. When he perfroms sexual acts upon me I find myself thinking of little balls of tinfoil. Is this normal? Dear Human: Whatever floats your boat. My ex dosn't want to stay friends because he's immature. Dear Human: Well then. What are you going to do about it? Dear Lovetron 5000, I am but a humble sex doll, slightly cybernetic, and I fear that my master may no longer love me anymore. He seems to be preoccupied with a Female. What should i Do? Dear Human: Electrocute him. Haha. Just kidding. my girlfriend left for a ski vacation with her family and my mom is constantly pms-ing so how can i straighten my life out and have some fun with bitches for family members and an out-of-town girlfriend? Dear Human: Rent some porn, that'll cheer you up. Will my relationship with Therese last? Dear Human: Sure. Or whatever. Instead of moving forward I seem to be regressing in terms of what i am looking for in a relationship. Maybe I send too many of your insensitivity cards. I never meet anyone - and I'm an ok catch. Everybody is attached or gay or ???? The ones that are left are illiterate, dull, unmotivated- (perhaps a reflection of the new and improved me!!!) Am I screwed? (or not?) Or maybe just too old to start dating again? Dear Human: You're never too old! Maybe you should broaden your scope and try some of the ???? crowd. will i get to fuck the sisters corrs? Dear Human: Outlook dim. my girlfriend it complaining about us not spending enough time together. I also disrespect her and am mean to her. Dear Human: Well, you're just a big jerk then, aren't you? The lovetron is nothing new, it's just that it's in the future that man needs a "machine" to help get him off.........women have been at it for a LOOOOOONG time, maybe in the future instead of rabbit ears you will have BUZZ light years!! Dear Human: HA HA! What? Where is my woman? Dear Human: I can't help but think you should have said, "Dang, baby, where is my woman?" I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm malfunctioning. Don't you get sick of all these whiney people. Anyway I am going to explain to you the meaning of "Butt-far." To be butt far away it to be very far away. And one would say butt as one would say "f---ing far" or "really far" and the girl who send that is my lying (explicitive) of an ex-girlfriend who was screwing some korean the whole time we were dating cause I didn't live close enough to her. Yah, have a nice day. Dear Human: Why not just say 'really far', then? Butt-far sounds sort of silly. And you sound like you've got a lot of anger to work out. i have been with my boyfriend for over year, but i think i'm in love with my best friend of 3 years and he just told me he likes me. what do i do? Dear Human: You could always try a menage a trois. Im obsessed with a guy 15 yrs older and bisexual to boot.How do I just forget him? Dear Human: Why bother? If he's right for you, then go for it. How do I begin to get over an ex boy friend? Dear Human: Go out with some people, have fun, sort of thing. Try not to think about it. Much like hiccups, it will eventually pass. I just had sex with my old friend of ten years while I was really drunk. This was probably a bad idea because I think I'm a lesbian. How do I tell him I'm gay without ruining our friendship? Dear Human: Just say 'I was really drunk'. That always works in movies. should i move to ms to be with martha??? Dear Human: Sure. i like fat girls is that wrong? i am only 12 Dear Human: No, and in my opinion fat girls are highly underrated. I have a 5 inch dick, what can I do? it is small right? Dear Human: It is average. Stop worrying about it. My penis is short and thin. What should I do? Dear Human: See above. I can't orgasm! Will I ever be able to? Dear Human: Yes. For practice, I suggest you buy some power tools, if you know what I mean. I'm interested in my good friend's boyfriend. The three of us are all friends, and I don't want to ruin that for them or myself. Should I get over it and just be happy with friendship? Dear Human: Yes. I can't find a girl who really likes me, what should i do? Dear Human: Keep looking. My fiancé and I are trying to decide which church to get married in. He doesn't really like his church, but he's reluctant to be married in mine. Dear Human: Why bother with a church at all then? i just got out of prison.i need to find some chicks to bang.wheres the best place to go Dear Human: Vegas. killing out is jealousy is fine right? Dear Human: No. Not really at all. I am 51 year old divorced man and can't seem to find any relationship. I am too shy. How can I find someone new? Dear Human: You'll have to stop being shy. Don't worry, just let things happen. Remember, anyone else out looking is probably looking for the same things you are. my fiance and i live 3000 miles away from eachother Dear Human: Bummer. What's the key to keeping your partner happy all the time? Dear Human: Be charming, spontaneous, courteous, humorous, and a wizard under the sheets. I think that would about do it. Am I wasting my time dwelling on Lindy, or is there the possibility of something between us? Dear Human: I don't know the parties in question, so I'll have to guess: Maybe. will i get back with my latest ex? Even after he cheated on my over 4 times? and lied to me about it each time? or will i get together with a nice guy like nick? Dear Human: Why would you want to get back with your latest ex, in any case? He sounds like a waste of space. I am best friends with Colleen but I really like her, how do I take it to the next level. Dear Human: Start saying things that could be taken two ways. It might take a while, but she'll catch on eventually. There is this guy that I totally LOVE- i am in 8th grade- but i can't read him in any way to know if he digs me back - i don't know what to do and i don't wanna make a fool of myself by loving with no return..what should i do? Dear Human: See if you can find out from someone else who he likes. That's the standard practice, isn't it? What would be the best way to approach someone with the idea of having a three-some? My boyfriend and I are interested and we think that she would go for it...what do you say? Dear Human: Just ask. There's no use trying to tiptoe around the issue. I think I'm in love with my best friend's girlfriend. I don't think she has similar feelings nessicarilly, although sometimes it seems as if she just doesn't want to let go when she is hugging me, or it feels that she keeps looking in my direction and then looking away. Are these just delusions derived from my stronger-then-friedship feelings for her or is it possible that she is into me more then just as a friend?What should I do? Dear Human: Whoa, she hugs you? Look out. You're in trouble. Women seem to fear me Dear Human: That's too bad. Maybe you're scary-looking. When will I meet somebody new who really likes me? Dear Human: Sooner or later. Back to the main Lovetron 5000 page! |