Advice Archive #14
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



will me and bruce willis get married? he already did kiss me.

Dear Human:
Doubtful at best. You might as well consult a magic 8-ball for these sort of questions.


my boyfriend of 2.5 years proposed to me. i said yes and we're planning on getting married in 2004, right after graduation. BUT i'm afraid of his parents and he's afraid of mine. how do we tell them that we're engaged?

Dear Human:
Why even bother? It's in 2004, for crying out loud.


HAL didnt go insane, he didnt know that killing was worse than lying.

Dear Human:
Yeah. Whatever. Don't even get me started.


The guy I like lives butt-far away.

Dear Human:
... BUTT far? .. BUTT far away? That doesn't even make sense.


Should I run away to Mexico and get married?

Dear Human:
No. While that is the premise for a number of soi-disant comedy movies, running away to Mexico to get married is in fact a very bad idea. If you must, at least go to Vegas.


i like sex but my husband wants it all the time i am burnt out on it. when he isnt getting it he masterbates he is 51 could it be is age he thinks i am using him because i dont have sex with him all the time what should i do?

Dear Human:
Tell him about it, this is a problem you have to work through together. Or hire hookers.


i dont really have a relationship to have a problem with, but im in love with your humorous and witty replies. plz fulfil my needs ive deliberatly left several tangents open for u so shouldnt be too hard to produce a jovial quip to accompany it

Dear Human:
Here's a humorous anecdote: A guy walks into a bar. THUD! Ha ha ha.


i love my boyfriend very much i am 15 & hav been with him 2 years could it possibly last forever?

Dear Human:
Certainly.


My girlfriend's sexual appetite appears to be waning. Would you recommend I begin flavoring my penis with peanut butter or fudge?

Dear Human:
Fudge, but in moderation. It's very fattening.


Who decided champagne and strawberries could be an aphrodesiac? Champagne gives me a headache. What would you reccommend as a substitute, Lovetron?

Dear Human:
Roofies. Haha. Just kidding.


Fish?

Dear Human:
No, I never have.


I have a hairy penis can you help????

Dear Human:
If you're very careful, you could shave it.


My girlfriend is depressed. How do I get rid of her and not feel bad?

Dear Human:
You can't, you insensitive lout.


When is it okay to tell a uy that you are into bondage ? And girls ?

Dear Human:
Do you mean, when is it okay to tell a guy you're into bondage, and when is it okay to tell a girl you're into bondage, or when is it okay to tell a guy you're into bondage and girls collectively? I love how you people fling punctuation around like it's confetti. Anyway. Any time at all, probably knowing most guys.


Ouch, ouch. There's a lemur in my rectum.

Dear Human:
What, a whole lemur? How did that happen?


how long is too long to be in a relationship without getting married?

Dear Human:
There is no definite time period after which you must get married, but if you have to ask it's probably too long.


I love Lily but she doesn't talk to me because she thinks I'm crazy. What should I do to change her mind ?

Dear Human:
Don't construct a shrine to her out of macaroni, for one.


Is it gay to recieve fallacio from a guy during a threesome (two guys one girl) when everybody there is hetero

Dear Human:
Not really. And even if it is, do you really care?


im think i might be gay, how can i tell?

Dear Human:
I think it should be fairly obvious. You know, the whole liking the same gender thing.


I can't get my man to do really kinky stuff with me, what should I do to get him to make him go really wild on me?

Dear Human:
Ask him why he won't. It may be something as simple as being embarrassed by your freaky love.


ok, i know i can't find out if she likes me without asking, but is there a more subtle way than " i like you, do you like me?" i'm trying to figure out a way to escape with some pride if she says "no".

Dear Human:
Well, you could always pull the old, "Hey, I was just wondering, do you like me, because 'insert mutual acquaintance name here' said you sort of did." and then smile disarmingly. I'm not sure if it would actually work though.


I have a boyfriend who lives far away from me, and I like him very much. But, I have a friend who I like just as much, and my friend wants to fool around with me. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Oh hell, you already know you're going to cheat on your boyfriend, you might as well go for it.


Have you ever experienced Deja-Vu?

Dear Human:
It's funny you should say that, because no.


Hes worried cause he can't keep it up after he holds his orgasms in. He thinks he's crazy cause he's only 19 and Im clueless.

Dear Human:
Holds his orgasms... in? That doesn't sound like a particularly good idea.


Which kind of girls are better, East Coast, West Coast, Alaskan Eskimo Girls, Large German Chicks, or Texas Women.

Dear Human:
That's a surprisingly limited range of choices.


will i ever be together with the girl i love?

Dear Human:
Maybe. Or not.


farts

Dear Human:
Same to you.


i am too shy when it comes to realtionships what should i do to make it easier?

Dear Human:
Drink heavily. Ha ha. I am of course kidding.


My girlfriend recently underwent surgery,and had to have a colostomy.She loves anal sex.Since the colostomy is her "new asshole",do I fuck her in the side,or in the ass?

Dear Human:
This is wrong on so many levels.


i had (drunken) sex w/ my best friends ex b/f. not intended, it just sort of happened. anyway i felt bad and told my friend so she wouldnt find out from anyone else. now she hates me and has crucified me behind my back to other people. what should i do, she refuses to speak to me.

Dear Human:
I think you've probably moved beyond the apology stage. You might as well move on.


I am completely single, yet un-interested in dating at all, much less any of the single girls I know. What do you suggest?

Dear Human:
Try guys!


I have been married for 2 years, but we have been together for 6. We used to have great sex - now nothing!! I have tried everything to get him interested - to no avail!! We have talked about my "needs" a million times - I have asked him what he thinks we could/i could do - i have begged for more sex (i am not talking 10 times a day here - once a week would be an improvement to our 2 times a year). What do i do?

Dear Human:
Rape him.


My girl has lost interest in me sexually. She was never really into what I am sexually anyway, but in the interest of the relationship I tried to curb my urges for several years. She would become insanely jealous of any other woman I came in contact with, but after several YEARS she got over it. The irony is now that she's not a jealous monster her interest in sex has seemed to disappear. I don't want to cheat on her, but after 10 years of struggling with this, I am at my wits end. I love being with her, but how can we survive without a sex life? The worst part of all this is that all those years she was jealous there NEVER was a woman who was sexually interested in me, of coarse, NOW an extremely sexy woman I know wants to jump my bones. I feel like all those years I spent combatting my girl's jealousy were all in vain because now she's not envious but she doesn't want to fuck me and now there actually is a possibility for "another woman".I feel like things are going to digress more and more no matter what I do. Help!

Dear Human:
This is something you need to work out between yourselves. Try to find out why your girlfriend has lost interest. If that doesn't work, ask her if she'd mind if you slept with this other woman, that'll get a rise out of her.


i date a lot of girls, but i know none of them are right for me. Should I even bother dating them?

Dear Human:
Is it fun?


I have this female friend who I never see anymore. Back in the day, when she lived with a friend of mine I saw her all the damn time, but not so much anymore. She never even calls or writes unless its in response to my calling or writing. It just seems like she used to care more about our friendship, and now whenever I'm around her i get the feeling like I'm just part of the landscape. And maybe that she senses my discomfort and it makes her all the more uncomfortable. I feel like I've lost something; in a time in my life where I could kinda use all the somethings I can get. We've sort of talked about it, though, I get the feeling it really hasn't settled anything. I know this isn't exactly a 'love' question. I can only hope that your advanced robo-brain is up to the task. This friendship really feels broken.

Dear Human:
People drift apart and sometimes you have to accept that. In the words of one of the iamlost.com staff members, after a particularly late night, "Life's a bitch, and then SOMETHING SOMETHING, NNYYARGHH".


My girl friend has other men friends she won't stop seeing. She says all they do is talk, and she has had them for years. When we're out she realy looks at other men, and is realy friendly toward them. She says, that she is just a friendly person and does not mean anything by it. I have told her that that bothers me..

Dear Human:
Maybe you haven't made it clear enough. Maybe you should say, "Hey, stop looking at those other men! Or I'll start looking at other women!" and if she says, "Okay, fine," then you're really in trouble. Sorry.


I need to get "some"

Dear Human:
"Some", eh? You loser.


I'm 18 and my soulmate is 30. We love eachother very much...as so I think. He is always to busy to do anything with me or tired. Having passionate sex is a chore to him.All i have been getting is a 'Wham bam thank you ma'am"4 times a month. I think its Really important for couples to be intimate together.I've tried to talk to him in the past but he blames it on me, and add's on this comment "fine im going to stop everything and not do anything so we can hang out". I am a good looking chick, I just dont get it. can you give me a piece of mind???

Dear Human:
He's a jerk, leave him.


i like this guy..and spend time with him ..and we seem to smile..whats going on?

Dear Human:
It's what we like to call 'a relationship'.


My dick is big, like 9 inches big, and my g/f complains that it hurts.. what do i do?

Dear Human:
9 inches BIG, or 9 inches long? I mean there's a huge difference there.


I actually have 2 questions, if you will indulge me. First. I have been married and divorced twice. Should I seek another relationship or I am destined to live a life of sorrowful solitude? Second. Why do so many of the people that write you seem like they have just had a 12-pack of cheap beer? Is it just that a lot of people drink cheap beer? (Yeah, I know that's three questions, but at least I'm sentient!)

Dear Human:
I think it's that most people don't really care about the little things, like spelling or grammar. In response to your question, by all means seek another relationship. Third time's a charm, as they say.


I have an odd love for ungulates and the like. I know it is wrong... but I cannot stop. How do I tell my grandfather?

Dear Human:
Ungulates as in hoofed mammals? That's messed up.


I have this friendship that I don't really get anymore. The way I see it a friendship is sort of a relationship, and if it helps the friend is female, so there you go. The thing is this: I don't really know if she cares, and it bugs me. Overshadows the whole relationship. I barely see her anymore, she never writes, or calls. Which isn't anyhing new for the relationship except that before it was expected; I lived out of town. Now that I actually live in the same city as her it seems like I'm seeing less of her than ever. When I do see her she doesn't generally seem to have missed me, and never really seems to care about me much more than as a source of amusement. It would be nice to just hear her ask, and honestly care, "How have you been?". I don't know Lovetron, I use to really love this kid (as friend man, as friend), and now I just feel like I don't rank. What up?

Dear Human:
See above - people change. It's no fun though.


I like this girl and I get the impression that she likes me too. The main issue is that when I call her, she doesn't return my calls. She also goes out of town quite a bit and when she gets back, I forget how much I like her. Then, when we go out to lunch, I remember and call her the next day to tell her how I feel; it's at this point that she doesn't call me back. So, I forget how much I like her. And on and on... She is also quite difficult to get a hold of. Its after this happens a few times that i must question if a relationship with her would work. I get the feeling that I should tell her how I feel on her voice mail (as impersonal as that is) because I never get a chance to talk to her. so... What do you think? By the way, I am impressed with your simple, grammatically correct replies. Good Job!

Dear Human:
In the future, we have what they call 'Grammar Slammer', and people who don't properly express themselves in writing are punished by electroconvulsive therapy. So look out. Also: I don't think this relationship is going to work out.


I think im in love with the lovetron.. either that or meatballs. Is there a difference?

Dear Human:
Less than you might think.


Why does everyone that writes to you for advice refer to their Partner and themselves as "Me and My girlfriend"? That's poor grammer. They should be saying "My girlfriend and I". Just a thought...

Dear Human:
So very, very true.


I really like this girl, and am considering asking her out. However, there are two problems: 1. She is my TA for one of my classes, which essentially makes her a teacher. (even though she is only one year older than me). 2. She is a hardcore Mormon. Do you think it would be appropriate to ask her out after considering these two things?

Dear Human:
Not just a regular Mormon but a hardcore Mormon. I don't think I've ever heard anyone described that way before. You may want to use the excuse of 'some questions about class' as a trial date. I mean, HARDCORE Mormons, you know.



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