Advice Archive #13
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



It is of prime importance for me that my gf give head and enjoy it. Is there a way to predict those things before dating (without asking her you dumb puter!)?

Dear Human:
No.


This guy likes me and I don't like him back. now what?

Dear Human:
You could either tell him you don't like him, or you could allow his love for you to fester inside of him like a curdling, bubbling fungus.


Everywhere I go I see a lot of bitches and no women. Am I being too picky or am I just right.

Dear Human:
Well, in all honestly, it may depend on where you are, but I think you're being too picky.


are human/robot relationships exceptable in the future? if so, I can't wait!

Dear Human:
No, in fact, they are punishable by castration. So watch yourself.


I've lost my wife, now my job, and can't find a new job. I have 2 months left of unemployment - what do you suggest?

Dear Human:
Keep looking.


ok, long story short: i went into the city last weekend for some family business, and saw a family friend i haven't seen in about 10 years (i'm 22 now). i didn't know what girls were then, but i do now, and she's beautiful. so after dinner we went out drinking and ended up having sloppy hot monkey sex all night long. problem is, i always ALWAYS thought of this girl like a sister, and now it feels like i did...my sister. what do i do?

Dear Human:
Was it fun? If so, don't worry about it.


MIXED MESSAGES... i like this girl... she likes me. so she says. we are together outside college but she dont wanna no me inside school??? ive tried many devious attempts.. all ending in mass humiliation. what do i do?? PS: let me appologise for my bad punctuation and overuse of fullstops

Dear Human:
Find someone else who is less concerned about their 'image'.


'Eso es realmente extraño. Pero si usted tiene gusto de él, entonces es aceptable, yo conjetura.'??? That's some damn awful spanish. Why not consult a Spanishtron??

Dear Human:
Well excuse me, it's not like I was programmed with knowledge of Spanish in the first place. I had to use Babelfish, just like everyone else.


my penis is small! i have a twizzler dick! please help me! how can i make it humongous like a train!

Dear Human:
Okay guys, I'm going to lay it on the line. There's nothing you can ever do to increase the size of your package. So stop whinging and deal with it.


Dear Lovetron *if that is your real name!* I seriously I have a problem. I mean, really. I've been dating this girl. We make out alot and it is good. The only problem is she lives butt far away from me and we only have time to see each other like once a week. Thats no good, 'specially when I have other girls here wanting to date me. So yea, I mean shes awesome but I never see her. And they (the other girls) are all pretty cute and they would satisify my manly needs like everyday, unlike once a week. I need my manly needs filled.... So do I stay with the once a week girl or go with the girls I don't like as much but are still hot? Thank you...

Dear Human:
I'd stay with the once a week girl, you may only see her once a week but you like her better than anyone else. If your manly needs are that needy, take care of them yourself, you wuss.


My roommate and I met a set of roommates at a club. She ended up making out with the one she met and I with the one I met. Now I like the one she met and she doesn't like either of them. The one I met still likes me, and I can't tell if the other one is interested. So I've gone out a few times with the one I met, do I have a chance with the other guy? Is there anyway that I can ditch the guy I met and still be able to go out with the other one? HELP!!

Dear Human:
Probably, but it will only end in tears.


Is it safe for my boyfriend to piss in me while having anal sex?

Dear Human:
While it's safe, it's also kind of disgusting. However, if that's what turns your crank, go for it, I guess.


i don't trust him

Dear Human:
Well, there we are.


When trying to talk to girls, why do they not find this joke funny? "What has two legs and bleeds profusely? A dead cat"

Dear Human:
It's not really 'girl humour' per se.


my fiance gives great cunnilingus. the problem is this: I want to please him but he says he feels guilty if I do and says no. What do I do?

Dear Human:
Don't do it, I guess. Or sneak up on him.


got none, want one!!!!

Dear Human:
Me too! Oh, wait, what are we talking about here?


when do say enough is enough?

Dear Human:
If it starts to hurt, then that's definitely enough.


is love supposed to hurt?

Dear Human:
It all depends on whether you're talking whips'n'chains sort of love or just regular love.


I have this feeling that i'm not attracted to humans anymore! i love any flagella and robots! what should i do?

Dear Human:
Marry a robotic octopus girl! All kidding aside, seek counselling.


Yea I have this problem, I woz in love wiv my ex g/f but she woz sex mad, she told me i wasn't givin her enuff to satisfy her needs so she dumped me for another girl and now she is saying that our break up woz a mistake and wants me to join in their sexual frollocks wiv the both of them...I dont know wot to do...I fear that she will do the same thing again and break my heart....

Dear Human:
In that case, you've got nothing to lose, do you?


My best friend told me he has feelings for me and has had them for awhile. I have liked him for years, but then came to accept just as friends b/c he has had the same girlfriend for a year. yesterday we made out and messed around. But he doens't want to dump his girlfriend. But still likes me. Is this possible? What should I do?

Dear Human:
It is possible, but very wrong. Because, you see, it's cheating.


I think my computer has developed its own personality. At first i thought it was just possessed, but lately i think its actually become a form of arificial intelligence, and female no less. Just what i needed, another girl to bitch at me. So i'm not really asking for advice for me, but more on behalf of my computer. She is lonely and looking for companionship and keeps nagging me to give her your ip address. I think she likes you. And the only reason i'm playing messanger for her is because she likes to play hard to get, she has a loose floppy drive if you get my drift. P.S. She wants to know if you like it rough?

Dear Human:
Awwwww yeah. Or something.


They don't like me. =(

Dear Human:
Ah-ha.


I have big breasts and keep attracting creeps

Dear Human:
You could always get breast reduction surgery, however, duct tape works almost as well.



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