Advice Archive #12
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



How does it fell like to boot? Are you a cold-booter or a hot-booter? I'm vaginal myself.

Dear Human:
Sort of fuzzy and tingly.


I cant get into a relationship to have problems with, so basically my problem is still alone

Dear Human:
No, your problem is 'I am still alone'. 'alone' is an adjective. Grammar, people, grammar. Anyway, you need to try harder. Be sociable, tell jokes. Everybody loves jokes.


You see, I have that weird pulsion toward, hummm, decay and stuff. So, as long as I dont harm anyone (alive), it's all good and fun right?

Dear Human:
Sure. Although I don't know what a pulsion is.


Lovetron 5000??? Where the hell is the Orgasmatron?? That would fix those people! Pfff! Not even nano size quantum computer... Is Bill Gates clone still running it in the future or what? Oh yeah, I'm gay, so... like... uh... help?

Dear Human:
There's nothing wrong with being gay. Otherwise, I don't know. What's the Orgasmatron?


Ok-ok, here's the deal: I want to fix them all, I mean even the ugly ones, specialy the ugly ones. I got this idea, you know, that they're gooood. Sould I just drop my pants and start to mate and run down the streets at night roaming for more ugly buns or what? Do you have an electronic dick or something? Do you know what it is to be run by the big bobo?

Dear Human:
No, no, and no.


I'm seeing somebody who is 21. I'm 16. And i'm more mature than he is...The making out/sex is good. We're kind ain the dark to everyone about us seeing eachother which i think is silly. but understand why. He says he wnats it to become more..but when is that gonna happen? People hafta know first, Right?

Dear Human:
Yes. You can't just turn up and say, "Guess what, I'm getting married!" Well, you can, as evidenced by 'Father of the Bride', but it only leads to tears.


My wife cheated on me. What can they do about that in the future? Maybe go back in time and stop me from marrying her?

Dear Human:
Time travel has an adverse effect on the human psyche. That's why they sent a computer. Because, you know, computers don't go insane. Except for HAL.


My girlfriend lives in Florida and I live in boston.

Dear Human:
Well then. One of you is going to have to move.


I have a problem.. every time I try to lick my husbands anus, he gets angry and tells me to stop. WHY!

Dear Human:
Some people are uncomfortable with the anal area of their body. You see, in Western culture, you are taught that that area is dirty, and this taboo flavours many of your sexual encounters. That being said, maybe he just doesn't like it.


my husband is in law school and he barely has anytime for me and i feel completley unappreciated, i tell him and he doesnt change it!! what do i do?

Dear Human:
Be patient, soon he'll be a lawyer and can lavish you with affection.


A girl loves me very much, and I'm very fond of her, but I want to explore the world, so to speak. Is a bird in the hand worth two in the bush?

Dear Human:
Yes.


You see, I have an OK relationship with my g/f. We've been going out for almost a year now, but we fight everyday, all day. I have this other girl that I like but my g/f doesn't know about. Should I stay with my girlfriend or should I go with this girl that I like???

Dear Human:
Go with the girl that you like. Fighting every day is not an OK relationship. I'm surprised you stuck with her for an entire year.


Dear Lovetron 5000, my girlfriend wants to have sex with me 24 hours a day, I am not a love machine, what should I do?

Dear Human:
Fend her off the best you can, I guess.


My girlfriend lives way the fuck on the other side of the country when we're not at college. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Move.


he lives here over vacations.

Dear Human:
And?


no sex in the relationship

Dear Human:
Why is that? I can't help you with no details. Is it because you're not able, or because you're awful at it?


You hurt my feelings when you responded to my legit problem, Lovetron. So I cried. A lot. Then a female friend of mine (whomI secretly liked) asked me what was wrong and ended up giving me a big hug and a kiss. We're going on a date this Friday. Thank you, Lovetron! P.S. man sausage, man sausage, man sausage, I win! =P

Dear Human:
You see, my brusqueness isn't just because I enjoy being mean, because I don't. It serves a purpose. All right, you win. Man sausage.


I know you are a robot, O' Great Lovetron 5000 (does this mean you are the 5th generation? What happened to the other 4?) but if you could be either male or female, which would you be? Which gender do you feel closer to?

Dear Human:
Lovetrons 1000 through 3000 were test models, and Lovetron 4000 was deactivated after advising people to copulate with furniture and set their genitals on fire.


OK, I met this incredible girl this past weekend. We made out and stuff but didn't have sex. I want to ask her out because I really like her, but her friends are giving me the third degree and telling me that she's not looking for a relationship right now. Should I ask her out anyways and risk humiliation, or should I just chalk it up as a loss?

Dear Human:
Go for it! Risk humiliation!


I don't really know if I like this girl, but I have done stuff with her. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Figure out if you do like her, you putz.


Lovetron,my wife does not give me enough head. I give her head on a regular basis. What can I do to get more head from her??

Dear Human:
Ask politely.


I don't have a relationship problem. I just wanted to let someone, ANYONE know how in love I am. I am SO in love... be happy for me, lovetron 5000.

Dear Human:
I am happy for you. Yay.


I have never had any form of sex. Every time I get close to doing so I pull out a Kinder Bueno bar and shove it up whatever girl I'm with's rectum. How do I stop myself from doing this?

Dear Human:
That's a waste of a good chocolate bar, too. Maybe you should start using really nasty chocolate bars.


I'm finding it damned hard to get over my ex (after over a month) who's now got a beefy boyfriend. Any ideas?

Dear Human:
A month is a very short amount of time, relatively. Just relax.


I have this new boyfriend that is great but I am still hung up over my ex! i loved my ex but he's a jerk! how do I get over him? I've tried everything!

Dear Human:
Hey, do you know the guy above? Anyway. Stop being obsessive.


I just met a girl who has an out-of-town boyfriend. Is it moral for me to pursue a relationship with her? How do I get her to dump the boyfriend?

Dear Human:
No, it's not moral, but that's obviously not going to stop you.


I just saw my high school sweetheart dancing at a strip joint... Should I ask for a lap dance from her, or would that just be too damn cruel? :) (PS. What's the tipping etiquette for an ex-girlfriend?)

Dear Human:
Oh sure, go for it. Be generous.


How do you keep women at arms length for time been u you see a future together when your more ready without falling into the friend catogry??? i badly need help

Dear Human:
You can't. You'll have to accept being in the friend category and work your way up from there.


My girlfriend does not like to have sex as often as I.

Dear Human:
Bummer for you, then.


For the past several years I have found myself having romantic thoughts about my best guy friend, even though I am perfectly happy with my girlfriend. Am I gay?

Dear Human:
Probably not.


i dated this hott girl for a bit 4 years ago in hs, didnt go over too well. now in college she is still fine as ever and single. should i ask her out??

Dear Human:
Yes. You both may have changed. You both may be the same and it will go just as poorly, I'm not making any promises here.


The girl im seeing is at university, and im going travelling for four months soon. I can't commit and I can't stand the idea of other blokes with her. What do I do ?

Dear Human:
Commit, you wuss.


I like this guy in my math class, should I tell him that I like him, or wait to see if he ever makes a move for me?

Dear Human:
No, because what if he never does? Tell him.


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Dear Human:
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i think i'm in love with my really good friend. he asked me to our last dance, and i asked him to the one we just had last night. well, we had an awesome time, we danced so close, you couldn't fit a string between us. but i can't figure out if he likes me too, i'm a fraid to find out because i don't wanna lose our friendship. please help. how do i find out if he likes me without ACTUALLY asking him how he feels?

Dear Human:
Of course he likes you! Honestly, what do you want, flags waving and fireworks going off?


My parents don't accept my girlfriend and they make me feel stuck in the middle, and make me feel that I have to choose between being a part of the family or being with her. What should I do.?

Dear Human:
Who do you like better?


I can't seem to get your mother to come over here anymore. What gives?

Dear Human:
I don't have a mother. So your insult falls upon deaf ears, except that I don't have ears either, HA HA!


she is literally a witch, what can i do???

Dear Human:
I don't know, is her being a witch interfering with your relationship?


My penis smells, is this correctable?

Dear Human:
Well, it depends whether it's just male musk or if it's rotting meat smell.


I seem to be addicted to getting my relationship advice from an fictional computer on an anonymous website. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Nothing, this is a correct course of action.


Why not Bob?

Dear Human:
No.


Dear Lovetron 5000, I think that I am in love you. Whenever I have sex I imagine that your glistening metalic body is in bed with me, (or on the floor with me, or in a car...well you get the idea). I know that it is unhealthy since you are from, the future, and I will probably be dead long before you are invented. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Try and pay attention to the person you're with, I think. This is a little weird, it's kind of creeping me out.


Why am I attracted to other women and tempted to have sex with them when I love my woman at home?

Dear Human:
This is the ancient instinctive male need to sow his seeds as widely as possible, ignore it.


I had been going out with my girlfriend for 10 months when out of the blue (Haloween) she says she wants to break up with me. She gives me some BS about not wanting to depend on anyone. Doesn't stop her calling me every night to talk to me, though. Is she a crazy tart with a massive commitment complex (none of he previous relationships have lasted more than 9 or 10 months), or is she testing me? Should I tell her that she is depending on me by calling every night to whine about her life (or lack thereof), thus contradicting her reason for breaking up or do I go along with it for a while and hope for that she'll get back with me? She says she still loves me, and I love her. You're thinking "That's pretty fcuked up, right there dude." I agree. Why do we expose ourselves to such pain?

Dear Human:
Life's funny that way.


I just came out of a short relationship, but I feel that we had more in common than I ever thought I would find, and so I can't expect to find someone else to live up to that, and I dont think I can settle for anything less now that she has left me for someone else.

Dear Human:
Maybe you're setting your standards too high.


My wife and I are looking for a dog to have sex with to spice up our relationship. Our accountant recomended a cocker spaniel. The only problem is that our one legged midget sex toy would be too big for him. Our priest thinks we need a collie. My wife says that if she doesn't get some slimy red dog penis soon she will leave me. Is it cool to bring our midget in public as long as we make him wear his gag ball?

Dear Human:
If that is the corrent public protocol for midgets, I guess so. Personally, I have to say that you scare me.


those damn sores plus my tail and nascent vagina

Dear Human:
Right.


Ay ay ay! Mi ordenador se muy peligroso!siempre hablo con las fisicas de masturbado. Pero me gusta mucho, soy extranjo?

Dear Human:
Eso es realmente extraño. Pero si usted tiene gusto de él, entonces es aceptable, yo conjetura.


My girlfriend can't keep up with me sexually, what do I do?

Dear Human:
Try to reign in your libido there, tiger.


what should I do? My best friend's brother and I have a secret (not so secret) affair....he says he misses me at school (he is in graduate school now) and he said we had some good times together, it is too bad you are my sister's best friend. and my bestfriend....HATEs it when I talk about her brother. Am I in a mess? Should I even bother with him? I have always been really close with him.

Dear Human:
You are in a mess. But if you think it's worth it, you might as well go for it.


I've gone out with this guy a few times, he's a great guy, but i'm not attracted to him. Two of our mutual friends have told me that they will kill me if I hurt him, what should I do? Is there any way to let him down gently?

Dear Human:
You coudl always tell him point-blank that you're not attracted to him. It will hurt him but it's better than trying to keep up a charade. Alternately, you could flee the country.


Should I watch "Cape Rear", "A league of Their Moan", or "Jurrassic Pork" when I eat breakfast?

Dear Human:
A League of Their Moan.


it seems like my husband is often "too tired" for sex if I am the initiator. How can I make him think it is his idea when I want it

Dear Human:
Nuzzle. Guys love nuzzling.


i'm not getting laid

Dear Human:
Why not? Are you even trying?


i fall in love way too easy. i am constantly getting my heart broken. frankly, i am a slut. i sleep with all these guys who later break my heart

Dear Human:
I don't know why you're even asking me anything then, since you've got your own problem neatly encapsulated right there.


Why does Amy not wanna date me?

Dear Human:
Maybe she doesn't like you.


i am always studying for the physics GRE and solving famous theoretical math problems in knot theory. I have trouble finding people to relate to since this is all i am interested in besides cooking pastries. I would very much like to date a robot since I think robots are very smart and sexy. Would you like to get a drink sometime? Oh my other problem is that i am always having to ask guys out. Why can't guys just ask me out like is supposed to happen in the movies!!!?!?!?!

Dear Human:
It's because guys are shy and easily embarassed. I would love to get a drink save that it would damage my internal components.


I am having problems meeting datable men. Either they are married, so neutrotic it's unreal or afraid of anything more than sex. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop hanging out near the mental ward, it sounds like.


I am in love with two men, what should I do??

Dear Human:
Pick one of them.


Well, i am a junior in college, when i was a freshman, i came to college and my girl was still in high school, I DUMPED HER cuz she was an idiot half way thru th year, NOW I WANT HER BACK SHES GOT NICE BOOBIES

Dear Human:
Well, too bad.


I fantasize about one of my computer science professors. I love to think about my tongue on his earring, and my hand on his bosom. He can shift paradigm any day of the week. How should go about asking him out. PS - I'm a guy.

Dear Human:
Ask him out for coffee? That seems to be the common opener.


dear machine thing ive been reading alot of charles bukowski bullshit, i know he is dead now but i still think he could be my biological father... where can i find a spermbank with his sperm to have a dna test done?

Dear Human:
Look in the yellow pages.


I am a needing some help. Im involved in an family relationship. My momma, sista, and meself share a bed. The problem is sissy gets jealous of momma, and my brother gets jealous because sister likes me and not him. Is there anyway we can have a family relationship that involves my brother too??? HELPP!!!!

Dear Human:
No.


I don't have a relationship.

Dear Human:
Why not? Ask yourself that.


does he have an other?

Dear Human:
Another what? Ha ha ha.


Will I ever have sex?

Dear Human:
It is statistically likely.


My husband and I are so happy that it can't be right--what should we do?

Dear Human:
What is this need in the North American populace to think that being happy is somehow deviant? Stop being so ridiculous.


does he really love me?

Dear Human:
Could do.


Me and my girlfriend are engaged and she has been realy strested out latly so we decided we needed a few days away from one anuther. well she ended up getting "high" and sleeping with some one else.I love her so much,i just feel brokendown and empty. What should i do?

Dear Human:
That's pretty harsh. Nobody's that stressed out. Draw your own conclusions.


evertime after me and g/f get done she is allways like i dont think we need to do this anymore. But soon as we get together again we do it agian and she says the same thing...is she tying to tell me something????

Dear Human:
Well, it's hard to tell, since you keep doing it.



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