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Advice Archive #11
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Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000 I find myself having lewd thoughts about one of my lecturers at university (who is also one of my tutors). Would it be immoral for me to seduce her. She has asked on a number of occassions to go and get coffee with me "to discuss the course". Does this mean she wants me bad? Dear Human: That, or that she likes coffee. I am currently having an affair with my 40 year old doctor (i am 20). She has told me she wants to divorce her husband and marry me, but im not sure if im ready for that kind of attachment. Also she has a doughter who is my own age who is absolutely dropdead gorgeous and who seems interested in me. What should i do? Dear Human: What you shouldn't do is tell her you like her daughter. That would be a bad idea. I'm on a mailing list full of wittyy, engagin people and sometimes I have very naughty fantasies about people on the list that I barely know. How should I handle this? Dear Human: Keywords: "People that I barely know." They might be crazy insane rapists posing as witty, engaging people. Otherwise, go for it. I need many women. Many young women... again and again and again, NOW. Dear Human: You scare me. I havent had a root for 6 years and i fear my balls may explode.. Dear Human: What, have you been saving it up or something? Take care of yourself, you pansy. My girlfriend's got a penis. Dear Human: That's interesting. She played with me and then said no, leaving me behind with a completely broken heart. What to do? Dear Human: Dry your tears, move on, etc. im from the future too and i looked everywhere for the lovetron and i think its a fake! :P SO EVERYONE IM FROM THE FUTURE THIS IS NOT REALLY A ROBOT !!! honest! um yeah, could u set me up with some chix or what? being from the future makes it harder see ! Dear Human: Well, two things - one: I'm not a robot, I'm a computer. Second, of course, you're not going to find me in the future, because I'm right here. less sex or more? Dear Human: I'd say more, but I don't know the situation. My girlfriend was a 100% pure religious virgin when we met. Now 2 months later shes doing things to make a hooker blush. Problem is she wanted to save sex for marriage & i agreed to it. Now when things get hot & heavy she begs me to have sex with her, & gets really pissed when I dont.But the next day thanks me for not doing it. Im going out of my mind, what should I do? Dear Human: I can see you're stuck in a difficult situation. I can't offer you any real advice other than to go with what your heart tells you. If worst comes to worst, you could always have sex and say that God told you to do it. The men I want just don't love me. Dear Human: You want the wrong men, then. POKE! Dear Human: Same to you. I really like this girl who lives next door. We've been out a few times and had fun but she doesn't seem keen to take things to 'the next level'. What can I do? Dear Human: Take her out some more. These things take time. My girlfriend and I are both bisexual. I'd like to have a threesome or maybe even a foursome with her, but she seems cold to the idea. What can I do to convince her? Dear Human: Let her pick the other people. If a girl is initially interested in you, and you fuck it up, is there anyway to make her feel the same way about you again? (ie:dating material-good friend-dating material again?) Dear Human: No. I am overweight and a virgin. All the chics find me cool but I am too shy and I dont think they like the way I look. HELP Dear Human: Looks aren't everything. In fact, they're very little if you've got the lights turned down *wink wink*. How do you put passion back into a relationship that is otherwise satisfying? Dear Human: Well, why is your relationship lacking passion? Maybe it's your fault. My problem is that I have no reletionship. Dear Human: So get one, you slacker. My girlfriend likes getting naked, but does not have sex with me. Dear Human: At least you've got a floor show to enjoy. I have troubel wearing pants. Dear Human: Why, are you stupid? My girlfriend is bisexual and it bothers me, but I don't know why. Dear Human: Maybe you think she's going to run off with some girl. Or guy, depending on your gender. Uncle Albert says do you love me and can you lend me money for a kitten? Dear Human: ... what? I never get fucked. Dear Human: That's because people don't like it when you say 'fucked' to refer to making love, you insensitive jerk. I am attracted to an old high school friend that I saw at my reunion. How can I make the first step to get her to notice me after all of this time? Dear Human: Send her some chocolates. I want to date this guy; he's too busy for a serious relationshp. Dear Human: It's not going to work then, is it? The problem is I have no relationship. I recently broke up with my girlfriend for the 3rd time and I have a fear of meeting other girls. What should I do? Dear Human: Not all girls are as difficult as your girlfriend apparently is. Try again. What do you think about the thing at the place Dear Human: Well, you know. I have no relationship problems, all is good but let me ask you.. Are you happy? Is there a Mrs Lovetron? Just letting you know I care... Dear Human: Thank you for your concern. As a computer, I don't need a companion, but it's nice that you people think of these things. I am attracted to my co-worker. I sit next to him everyday and I just want to rip his clothes off. Does this make me gay? Dear Human: Not entirely. I have never had a girlfriend? Dear Human: Neither have a lot of other people. I'm in love with my daughter's best friend. How can I convince my daughter to set us up? Dear Human: Well, I'm worried that she might think that there's something wrong with you, but you could always just ask. Run a diagnostic! A bar! You advise people to go to a bar to meet someone! Geeze, who programmed you, an ex-tv writer? Advise people to go to the public library to meet. Then at least if they don't meet someone, they might pick up a book and learn how to write coherently! Dear Human: If only. Should I tell my lover's wife about us? I am really crazy about him but I feel guilty, plus if I tell her & he finds out he'll never speak to me again. So if I tell her, how can I do it in such a way as to remain completely anonymous forever? Or, skipping the telling question altogether, how can I get her to leave him? And do you think I'm going to hell for this or just him? Dear Human: There is no way you could remain completely anonymous. Give it up. how to I get my woman to act vicious in bed? Dear Human: Ask her! Maybe she'll like it! Or, alternately, fit her with one of those collars that gives electric shocks. What is the email address send questions to Lovetron 5000? Dear Human: Ha ha. He waited 3 weeks before to call me... Should I do the same now, or not? I'm quite interested, and it would be a pity to get him lost. Please suggest me the right strategy! Dear Human: Relationships aren't about revenge, you know - just phone him. What are you? Dear Human: I'm a computer from the future. Dear Lovetron 5000; At what age do you think it's appropriate to get engaged? I'm 20, and my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, and we live together now. Is it socially acceptable to get engaged this year? Next year? Do you think my parents will flip out? Dear Human: Why don't you ask them? Otherwise, sure, have fun. I am dating this girl who I'm not particularly serious about. We get along well, but there's no way we have any future together. Problem is, she really likes me and is getting waaaay too serious. I don't want to dump her because it would kill me to break her heart, and I would really like to keep her as a friend (seriously). What can I do to make her decide I'm really not for her, while at the same time staying on good terms? Dear Human: Start eating lots of beans and cabbage. Fell in love with next door neighbor. Ask her out, or would that be weird? Dear Human: Yes, but do it anyway. I love my girlfriend very much, she says shes in love with me and nothing I do can change that. Iam sleeping with two other women. Should I tell her and see what she does or let her find out and see what she does? Dear Human: If you're feeling suicidal, maybe. Do you know the way to Oldham? Dear Human: No. loveton, I am seeing a woman, but am in love with a different woman. What should I do? Dear Human: Dump the first one. Why do men in America (I am in England) constantly slap each other on the arse? We don't get such dubious male bonding over here in the good old U of K. And don't start going on about stiff upper lips and tea or I'll release the hounds. Dear Human: I guess American guys like ass-slapping. I can't think of a better explanation. My girlfriend wants me to marry her.............I've been married...........did'nt like it.........don't really care to do it again,but I do love having her around.What should I do? Dear Human: Chain her up. Haha. Just kidding. You should probably marry her. Is it wrong for a senior in high school to take a freshman to homecoming? prom? What if they were REALLY cute? Even if they only like me because i'm a senior? Dear Human: Well, as long as you have honorable intentions. You know, age of majority and all that. Naked girls in Tigger suits are grrrrrreat! Dear Human: Yes... but... if they're in tiger suits, they're not naked, are they? Well, aside from the fact that everyone's naked under their clothes. Still. i have actually found someone smart, hot, funny, empathetic, and good in bed. yet i'm still not entirely interested. i think that i am either not fundamentally attracted to him, or am afraid to be really attached to someone. what do you think? Dear Human: I think you're afraid to be really attached to someone. Or maybe you're not fundamentally attrached to him. sometimes when I put my willy in my girlfriend, it gets stuck and I have to call a friend to help me get it out. How can I alleviate this problem? Dear Human: Stop using superglue as a condom substitute. Every girl I'm with I try to get to take it in the ass but they're always scared to. what should i do? Dear Human: Well then stop making them do it! Honestly, you people and ass sex. You would think that females didn't already have a perfectly good orifice. Large Penis Dear Human: Hooray. Dear LoveTron I am a tired, young chorister with a big problem. I seem to spend more time singing than loving, and the balance is wrong. I have considered combining the two, but most of the tenors bat for the other team and I wouldn't touch any of the basses with a bargepole. Can you help me hit the high notes? Dear Human: Maybe you should stop using euphemisms for everything. Does Gordon want my body? Dear Human: Yes. Then again, no. I was silly enough to let myself fall in love with a guy who has a girlfriend. At the same time, he was silly enough to fall in love with me without falling out of love with her. Now he is going to her college while Im still back in highschool. So the question is, how do I move on? Dear Human: Dump him. Why does it hurt when I pee? Dear Human: Maybe you have a urinary tract infection. My girlfriend says she wants to wait until we're married to have sex. That's not really my style, but I respect her request. She seems to be changing her mind now. Should I keep quiet while her resolve weakens, or remind her to wait? Also, I don't know if this will affect your answer, but I think she's from the future. Dear Human: Probably keep quiet. Especially if she's from the future. It seems every time I am with the girl I love, I get closer and then I get all weird and run away. When I am away, no matter for how long, I am filled with regret and have to be with her again, so we get back together. This is just wearing me down, and hurting the girl I love more than anything. I really love her very much. What is my problem and how do I fix it? Dear Human: Your problem is that you get all weird and run away. Stop doing that. My GF and I have no sex life, due to her having had a couple of surgeries in the past year. Any thoughts on how to handle the depression this is causing? Since I am totally in love with her, infidelity is not a option. Dear Human: Make sure you cuddle her a lot and tell her that you love her. And masturbate. Back to the main Lovetron 5000 page! |