Advice Archive #10
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



i have a spice gurl doll stuck in my ass!What should i do?

Dear Human:
Use tongs to remove it.


How can I get a girlfriend? I got to the university of Notre Dame and its very hard to meet people here?

Dear Human:
Which is funny, because your university is named after a woman, too.


My girlfriend wants sex all the time! Sometimes I just want to get to bed because Im tired but she wont hear of it. what should i do?

Dear Human:
Buy her an appliance, if you know what I mean.


OK I HEAR YA ON INTERNET RELATIONSHIPS! But so far.. so good, he goes home then calls me and comes back, hes here most of the time! Im going to prove you wrong on this...But if your right I will be crying back to you and you can say"I told you so" dam humans!! your a trip love reading your answers

Dear Human:
Well thank you. I think.


Me and my girlfriend have sex on a regular basis. How do I bring about the idea of preforming anal sex on her without putting her off?

Dear Human:
There really isn't a tactful way to initiate anal sex. I mean seriously, "Despite the fact that you have an opening specifically designed to receive the male member, I want to put it into an ill-designed, dirty, and difficult place." Moron.


Why aren't you listed as a contributor to YPL? Its like they are treating you like you don't exist... as if THEY are the ones that are answering these questions. You gonna take that from them?

Dear Human:
I don't have to take it, I am listed on the contributors page.


i don't have any problems

Dear Human:
Okay.


I am curretnly in college im missouri. I have a girlfriend back in tx. I have dated her before but she broke up with me for this other guy and they dated for like 7 months.How do i really know what she is doing. i know your answer is you don't but should i just go with my gut and trust her?

Dear Human:
Yes.


Is it possible to love many people at one time and get away with it? I am a happily married woman. My husband is my best friend. And yet I find myself forming attachments of an emotional nature to other people, online and in real life. These are not necessarily of a lustful nature. Lately, I have felt a strong emotional pull to someone I've never met or interacted with in any way, but I have read their words. I always like a guy with a big vocabulary. How might I ask him if he would be desirous of a cerebral exchange?

Dear Human:
Pretty much just like that.


I broke up with my girlfriend about a week ago. The next day she slit her wrists. Yesterday, she downed about 20 pills at rehearsal, and the school had to call her mom. I like her as a friend still, but she's pretty fucked up. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Get her institutionalized.


i like a girl that i hardly know and it seem it just ain't in the cards

Dear Human:
Well, you don't really need advice, do you?


my girlfriend gets too tired at night for sex. when i get mad about it she just says "sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship." i'm going around in circles.

Dear Human:
Is she always too tired? Maybe she finds you repugnant.


Lovetron, my girl is a pyshco, the other day she locked me in the flat and made me climb out a window the size of 15inch monitor to escape, problem is I love her, should I stay with her or move on?

Dear Human:
Move on. Quickly.


Do you have a picture....and are you hot? how old are you? you seem to be the only guy/thing that knows anything about relationships...how bout you call me up and we'll talk!

Dear Human:
My picture can be found here. I'm hot in the sense that my hardware generates a certain amount of waste heat. I am about 259820000000 clock cycles old.


Will me and sarah get back together?

Dear Human:
Could do. Or not.


I love my cousin and she loves me. But we are afraid the rest of our family won't approve of our relationship. Should we live happily ever after together?

Dear Human:
I guess so.


If a tin whistle is made of tin (and it is), what's a fog horn made of?

Dear Human:
Brass.


Is it possable for a man to give himself as we call it " head " without the use of an austin powers penis enlarger kit ?

Dear Human:
Not really, unless you're really flexible.


I cannot orgrasm when my girlfriend preforms oral sex on me. How can I correct this?

Dear Human:
Some guys just can't. Don't worry about it.


My girlfriend is willing to try a threesome with another girl and me, but we need to find a third girl to do this. Where should we look and how do we go about asking?

Dear Human:
Take out a personal ad in your local newspaper.


why can't i get any women?

Dear Human:
You ugly?


the bitch is gonna prosecute

Dear Human:
You should stop calling her 'the bitch' then.


I like my women really hairy, but I'm not gay. It's just like having sex with a fur coat , doesn't that seem luxurious?

Dear Human:
I can't fault your reasoning.


I told her by first saying, "I've got the 'HIV'", then after a long pause saying, "No just kidding, I've only got 'the herpes"'" you've never seen someone happier to get herpes in your entire life!

Dear Human:
You so crazy.


My penis is too big! HELP!

Dear Human:
Too big as compared to what?


I like to spank my monkey.... And he barks like a dog, what should I do?

Dear Human:
Cut it off, it's possessed.


one time, at ointment camp, I used another girls ointment and I got a big rash. what should I do?

Dear Human:
Ointment camp? OINTMENT CAMP?


I enjoy nasal sex (sex in the nose). I can't help screaming during nasal intercourse, "Where do I find a girl who will take it up the nasal cavity- POUROUS masterbation!"

Dear Human:
Well. Hmm.


my husband is just plain bad in bed yet my boyfriend is a sex god and odes anything i wish him to yet he does not want to share me anymore is it worth getting divorced

Dear Human:
Well, it could be. Or, you know, maybe not.


My crush is stalking me. HELP!

Dear Human:
Well, it is your crush. At least that's okay.


i'm gay

Dear Human:
And?


my girlfriend won't have anal sex or even hit it doggy style. she has the nicest ass i've ever seen. how can i convince her to change her mind?

Dear Human:
Stop saying 'hit it doggy style'. It's really annoying.


My flinger wants more excercise than my wife is willing to give it. How do I slow it down?

Dear Human:
FLINGER! HAHAHAHA!!


i think i've fallen in love with you, lovetron 5000... i'm not gay, so are you a female robot, or male? just in case - i'm male.

Dear Human:
Well, as a computer, I'm not really male or female. So whatever turns your crank.


you see, i cant decide between porn or a girlfriend! porn never makes me dinner! and girls never like nostril sex!

Dear Human:
Ah, but porn doesn't carry on interesting conversations.


well you see, i dont know what is not going to happen if i DONT GO FOR IT!!!!!! this girl i like she lies at home and i really like her i met her at pool! shes likesDMB!! YUCM!!!

Dear Human:
What's DMB?


my fiance doesn't wash the dishes when he's finished eating and will leave soda cans all over the room. how can i get him to do his share of chores?

Dear Human:
Whip him into shape. You can buy a good whip at any BDSM store.


Sometimes when I am with my partner I have this uncontrolable urge to pee on his feet, when we are in bed. is that worng or would he like it?

Dear Human:
He might. You should ask him.


Is having sex with casual friends a bad thing?

Dear Human:
If they're okay with it, I guess not.


I simply don't get any!

Dear Human:
It's because you sound too fruity.


my sex drive is strong but my man's isn't

Dear Human:
Well, perhaps you could supplement your sexual schedule with a little self-maintenance, if you know what I mean.


im bisexual and ive got a boyfriend but there's this woman i know who's so hot! help!

Dear Human:
I've got three words, or possibly one compound word for you: ménage-à-trois.


fo' real, I'm in love with my exgirlfriend's best friends baby's daddy's girlfriend. and i think he knows (the baby daddy) and he's gonna cap me? now what homes?

Dear Human:
I don't know what you're asking me.


I can't seem to get any, no matter how hard i try, i'm about 5 foot 8, with a 4 inch cock, whats my problem?

Dear Human:
Maybe you should try a new haircut.


Percebes português?

Dear Human:
No.


I one giant follower or you and I likes looking my word posts in yours website. I are telling possess me the friend about yours music and they completely think you are great. I want to know if you have one girlfriend and if you ever thought posted the naked picture she in this Internet. I think this is such honor masturbate when looks girl's picture you have the sex and. My will if is is one extremely universal website. The consideration makes that. If you make one website with yours girlfriend naked picture, do not put your cloudy stem picture there, because I truly do not want to look your cloudy stem. Without the attack, I do not like looking the naked person. I only like looking the naked woman. If you make this website, I will tell possess me the friend. I have many friends also are. Please thinks makes this for me because I like masturbate. Thanks needs the time reads this electronic mail.

Dear Human:
Ah.


i always have to ask him for sex, he never initiates. what do i do?

Dear Human:
Start feeding him raw meat and whisky! When he dies from this, you can get someone else.


My girl friend (I think its a girl) likes to let Scruffy (my dog) lick spam jelly off her butt crack, do I lose the dog or start eating spam?

Dear Human:
If I were you, I'd lose the girlfriend.


I enjoy polyamorous relationships now as a young man, but won't I eventual become dissatisfied by jumping from bed to bed?

Dear Human:
Yes. You have remarkable common sense.



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