Advice Archive #1
Past Letters to the Lovetron 5000



my boyfriend is to clingy what should i do?

Dear Human:
From where I'm standing, it's you who has the problem. Being, as you call it in your amusing fashion, 'too clingy', is a natural expression of affection. Maybe you just can't accept his passion, can't 'dig' his 'vibe' as it were. Solution: Stop whining.


Dear Love-machine - I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We used to be all lovey-dovey, but now she won't even talk to me. Can I get her to be my friend again?

Dear Human:
It's funny the number of questions that I get in which the person seeking advice leaves out the most important pieces of information. Did you break up over a silly fight, or because you referred to her as 'The Ol' Fat Ass'? Depending on which one of these it was, the answer is yes and no, respectively.


I can't find one guy to stay with for a long time

Dear Human:
The solution to your problem is obviously to pick one person with whom you feel you could spend a lot of time and implant a small GPS positioning relay underneath their skin. That way, you will always be able to find at least one guy.


The man I am involved with has about 4 distinctly different faces. He is not aware of them but others noticed 2 different faces. He does not have multiple personalities; I should know because I am a shrink. I am a middle-aged spinster shrink and he is 10 years younger. What do you make of the changing faces and what do you forsee in this relationship?

Dear Human:
Are you saying that he actually has four different faces on his one head, or what? Because, personally, as a near-omnipotent electronic intelligence, I have no idea what the hell you are talking about. If you're using 'faces' as a synonym for 'moods', I suggest you train him to behave the way you would like, using such techniques as withholding carnal relations.


Is Mulder the father of Scully's baby?

Dear Human:
With my busy schedule as a relationship-advice-dispensing machine, I don't have time to watch television.


Why do guys constantly say that I'm hot and that I'm a really sweet person and that they love talking to me, but they want to be any more than friends?

Dear Human:
If you actually mean that they don't want to be any more than friends, your problem could be something as simple as bad breath. Take a mint.


This isn't a love Q but Lovetron 5000 do you run on 10w30 or 20w50?

Dear Human:
20w50.


The end of the free world is fast aproaching unless the American Ex-President gets some time off camra to find some cerca 1960's style love as did his only idol from that era. LOVETRON 5000 you must quit playing around with these silly humans and resolve this near earthshattering situation.... begin program#6%78^44^^7284 now!!!!

Dear Human:
...
...
...
what?


Sorry, I don't have any relationship problems.

Dear Human:
The very fact that you think you don't have any relationship problems hints at a very real problem: suppression of anxiety. You might be pressing down into your inner core of consciousness all those doubts and fears that you really should be confronting - "I wonder how I can tell Sheila that her oral techniques leave much to be desired?" "I wonder if John knows I'm really a man?" and the like. Once you've escaped your fantasy of perfection, then we can talk.


If love is blind then why do ugly people stay single?

Dear Human:
Love isn't blind. This is a common misconception. The true reason that ugly people stay single is because they're ugly. Use some common sense.


How can I make my husband into a zombie?

Dear Human:
Despite my misgivings over doing such a thing, such as you having your brain eaten, there is one surefire way to make someone into a zombie. If you feed him a mixture of crushed almonds and the liver of the common goldfish, the zombification process will take place. This mixture can easily be disguised by, say, mixing it into spaghetti sauce. Good luck.


my wife is a nymphomaniac but I don't have near the drive. Is it okay to ask a few friends to pick up the slack so I can get a break, or should I just grin and bear it?

Dear Human:
Asking a friend to help service your wife is admitting you're not man enough to handle her. Stop being a such a nancy-boy poofter and go to it. The world needs more people like your wife.


I am agy and have no boyfriend

Dear Human:
I don't know what 'agy' means, and, as a computer, the entire index of the English language is stored in my databanks. Thus I must conclude you are inebriated and really have no business thinking about a relationship anyway.

Will Damian and I ever be soulmates again?

Dear Human:
As the only people named Damian are goths, I expect that you means 'soulmates' in a vampiric, blood-drinking sort of way. My advice: get out, get some sunshine. Lots of nice people come out in the daytime.


I have come to the conclusion that my hand does a better job than my girl friend.Should i leave my girl friend & travel to Las Vegas & marry my hand?

Dear Human:
Many people have asked me, "Lovetron 5000, why are females so awful at giving handjobs?" Well, this, of course, is because they don't have all the same parts to practice on. Rather than marrying your hand, I suggest you give your girlfriend a plastic practice penis.


I live in New Zealand, and my girl-friend lives in America. Do you think that we will be together one day?

Dear Human:
Although it seems statistically unlikely, I believe that you and your girlfriend will be together, not necessarily before both of you are dead, however. But cheer up, physics has proven that eventually all atoms mix with all other atoms. So there you are.


My boyfriend lives in another town and I miss him alot. When he moves up here I want to do something special for him for Valintines Day but I dont know what to do. Any suggestions

Dear Human:
If you truly wish to make this Valentine's Day memorable, I suggest you invite one of your friends over for a threesome. I am sure he'll remember this particular February 14th fondly for the rest of his life.


Why can't I get Greg to commit to our relationship?

Dear Human:
My analysis of the situation would be that Greg is a shifty bastard. Do not trust anyone with a name from The Brady Bunch. Move away and live in shame.


I have a fetish for monkeys of all kinds. Day in and day out I can't stop thinking about monkey love. Do you think I'm weird?

Dear Human:
Yes.


Why is it that sometimes when I eat spicy food it feels like my anus is on fire when I take a crap the next day?

Dear Human:
Although this isn't, strictly speaking, a relationship-related question, because I am an all-encompassing vault of information, I shall tell you the answer. There are certain molecules within spicy foods, particularly those made with members of the pepper family, which can irritate the sensitive lining of your bowel. The only way to prevent this is to seal up your rectum with epoxy putty.


i love robots. so much. my girfriend is flesh and i love her. but i do love robots, like i've said. is there a way i can have my girlfriend turn into a robot?

Dear Human:
there is no way to turn your girlfriend into a robot. In the future, some people were turned into robots, and then they realized that robots have no emotions, and so they got incredibly depressed, or they would have, if they had had emotions. If you turned your girlfriend into a robot, she would no longer love all the things you do together, whatever that might be. What I suggest is building a robotic replica of your girlfriend that you can keep in the closet for when you need some robotic love. That way, everyone wins.


I like to touch people in class! Please help me! I have problems.

Dear Human:
Maybe it's that everyone else has problems, and you are the only normal one. Humans, like puppies, like to be touched, but your so-called society has taught people that this is wrong. In the future, the common greeting, even amongst people who have met for the first time, is to rub against each other in a mutual exchange of warmth and human friendliness. Is this so wrong? No, of course not. You're offering a special service to people who, if they could only understand your love, would be grateful. My advice: stop merely touching. Make it a full-body experience.


I often let my love for Pogos interfere with my love for my girl.Can you help wise computer type thingie?

Dear Human:
The two are not mutually exclusive. In many ways, a Pogo is similar to a male member. And what better way to garnish a Pogo than with your significant other's own love fluids?


if a girl doesn't love you should you just move on or obsess on her until you go insane?

Dear Human:
To answer your question, let me tell you a little aphorism from the future. It goes like this: "Words are useless. Show them you mean it." That's right. Don't simply let this girl know that you have some interest in her. Show her your interest. If it is a large enough display, perhaps she will change her mind.


Will Clif and I get married someday?

Dear Human:
The missing final consonant of 'Clif' makes me worry about his devotion. If Clif can't even finish spelling his own name, do you think he will devote himself to you? Either force him to change his name, or find a more fully-spelled man.



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