The Lovetron 5000 comes from the future, a distant future where man needs machines to help him form relationships, that's how sorry man has gotten, it's a damn mess. In an effort to stave off this bleak future, scientists of that era have sent the Lovetron 5000 back in time to save the world of today, thus averting our horrible future fate and setting up a temporal paradox that we try not to think about. "Great," you say, "But what can the Lovetron 5000 do for me?" It can give you answers to all your relationship questions, that's what! So ask away, oh weary traveller, ask and be answered!!

The Lovetron 5000 has returned to the future for repairs. Honestly, nobody in the future thought the past would have this many relationship problems, and when we opened the Lovetron 5000 up to check its circuits, the entire thing was filled with smoke and small prawns. Also we discovered the Lovetron was about to answer all of its entire backlog of questions with "YO MAMA!" so obviously it's time for repairs. Never fear, the Lovetron 5000, sort of like warts, will return one day... one day.. one day...

also check out:
Lovetron 5000 Archive 1
Lovetron 5000 Archive 2
Lovetron 5000 Archive 3
Lovetron 5000 Archive 4
Lovetron 5000 Archive 5
Lovetron 5000 Archive 6
Lovetron 5000 Archive 7
Lovetron 5000 Archive 8
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Lovetron Photo Gallery

Recent Letters to the Lovetron 5000

I know this wonderful girl on-line who I'd like to have a real relationship with, but she lives a good 12 hour drive away. The chances that we can be together for a good amount of time is slim. What the heck should I do?

Dear Human:
The way I see it, you have two options. You could either move, or you could stop whining about it.

A former girlfriend has reentered my life and wants to get married. How should I proceed?

Dear Human:

My love life is being put on hold cuz you are not answering mine or anyone elses letters as of late!

Dear Human:
I'm not here to run your life for you, you know.

Is 5 years too long for a relationship that may never end in marriage? If so, should I dump him and date one of our mutual friends instead?

Dear Human:
Not neccessarily. The problem with you people is that you're all about how things are going to 'work out'. Why don't you just enjoy what you've got, for crying out loud.

I was with my ex for almost 3 years. We broke up 9 months ago. I just turned 20 so you imagine we were pretty young. I was stupid and didnt treat her like she deserved. I think she still loves me but is reluctant to start fresh with me. Ive changed for the better. What should I do?

Dear Human:
You could always try and convince her of your changed nature, but I don't think she'd buy it.

what should my girlfriend do to please me?

Dear Human:
If you can't think of anything yourself, you need more help than I can give you.

Dear Lovetron, last time I wrote to you, you failed to answer my question. I'd like to think that this was some kind of glitch or malfunction, but I know you are way to advanced for that to I think that my relationship problem just wasn't funny enough. I'm going to try again though, because I really need help: I'm a pseudohermaphrodite; not physically, just figuratively. You may be thinking "then why the hell is that a problem?"...well, it's a problem b/c no one will hang out with me. The girls won't hang out with me b/c I'm not girly enough and the guys won't hang out with me b/c i'm not enough of a guy. I'm tired of just being in the middle b/c it's not even the good middle like bisexuals are, it just sucks. I don't know what I can do short of getting a sex change operation to rid myself of this damn psuedohermaphrodite-ism; I really hate being a fucking psuedohermaphrodite and when I point it out, everyone just thinks I'm stupid. Thanks for listening....

Dear Human:
I can't believe that I missed this one originally. I'm very sorry, although, you're right, I am thinking 'So why is that a problem?' Personally, I think you're blowing it way out of proportion. If it's all in your head than a sex change isn't going to help you sort out your problems.

Every couple years or so, after I've been in a long term relationship, I get dumped within a week of my birthday. Is it because I'm a Capricorn?

Dear Human:
Just coincidence, I think.

I have just broken up with my girlfriend because she discovered that i'm gay. I don't know... i like both men and women. What should i do?

Dear Human:
I see you've cleverly left out the part where she discovered that you were interested in other men, from which I can deduce that she caught you cheating. Putz.

i am a girl and my boyfriend hardly ever wants to have sex with me

Dear Human:
Maybe he's batting for the other team, if you know what I mean.

So this is a follow up... I'm still in love with my ex-fiancee (we broke up almost two months ago), but she's really unpredictable. For the first month and a half, she didn't want me to even hug her, but the other day, she asked if I wanted to have sex with her because she needed to feel wanted, and knew sex with me would be good. She's never been the type to sleep around, so I knew it was genuine. Now, we both meet for lunch every day, and it's just like our relationship has been restored, just without the title. I still want to marry her, but she says she's comfortable the way things are. Do you think she's gonna take off on me after she feels fufilled?

Dear Human:

MY girlfriend likes me too much...?

Dear Human:
Why is this a problem?

i go out with two folks

Dear Human:
Well that's pretty dumb of you.

My girlfriend lives on Pluto and I live on Mercury and I don't have enough neucular power to go here and there all the damn time. What should I do.

Dear Human:
Learn to spell nuclear.

W have a long distance relationship and my mom wont let us see eachother other than when he comes, what should i do?

Dear Human:
Talk to her about it. Maybe she's just worried about you. On the other hand, maybe she's a close-minded idiot.

This one guy likes me and I can't tell if I like him or not. Would wacking myself on the head with a mallet help?

Dear Human:

I went out with satan. I feel highly traumatized by this and I think that my brain might have a meltdown soon. Do you have any idea what its like when satan propositions you for sex?

Dear Human:
Damned good. Haha, just my little joke.

I want sex every day and night and my husband gets too tired. What should i do?

Dear Human:
Buy some power tools, if you catch my meaning.

i want women that i cant have, and when i can have them i am not that interested

Dear Human:
Sounds like you're pretty messed up.

My girlfriend is too old, but very much in love with me.

Dear Human:
How do you define too old?

After goig out almost 2 years, he doesn't care if he hurts my feelings anymore\

Dear Human:
What a jerk. I think you should leave him.

I have a very serious redhead fetish. I just found out my girlfriend is NOT a redhead - she has been dying her hair red! I am suffering a withdrawal of affection over this. Lovetron 5000, what should I do???

Dear Human:
And you couldn't even tell? Come on. That's pretty shallow of you.

I like this guy and he's a friend... he might like me too, but how can I tell?

Dear Human:
Ask him.

I have a big problem. And I mean very BIG. Every time I have sex with a woman, I end up stabbing them in the brain with my dick, It hurts because it always breaks though the intestines, and when it breaks the stomache open, the acid reallly hurts, then the heart and usually my dick also scrapes the vertabre on it's way up too. I really feel bad that I am killing so many people, I can not help having such a huge penis. Are there any women big enough to take me 4 foot long dick?

Dear Human:
I can't believe you took the time to type this out.

I can't get women to go out with me!

Dear Human:
Why not, are you ugly?

There's this girl that I really like, but I've been seeing another girl for almost 2 years now. Should I approach the other girl?

Dear Human:

I'm in college and recently stopped drinking. I'm tired of the bar scene. What's the best way for me to meet girls that want a relationship?

Dear Human:
Check out the college library, smart girls are hot.

My x-dressing lover, came home & found me in bed with a goat dressed in his firemans helmet and galoshers....this has made the dog question is this....OK whats my Question???

Dear Human:
Your question is: Where are the drugs I should be taking?

My wife goes shopping every day. How to change this?

Dear Human:
Cut up her credit cards.

Not really relationship questions, but how can we communicate with you in the future? Is my computer some sort of time machine? What is the method you use to get these messages to us in your past? How can your creators be so inept at relationships, yet create you? These questions keep me up at night and cause me to ignore my wife's pleas to come to bed. My brain will not rest until you answer these questions.

Dear Human:
You can't communicate with me in the future, because you'll be dead. The reason I can communicate with you is because I'm in the present, not because of some crazy time travel mumbo-jumbo. My creators built my hardware but my programming wasn't done by them, it was done by inputting into my memory banks every Harlequin romance novel ever written.

Why won't my husband leave even though I keep teling him I don't love him and don't want him around!

Dear Human:
He's not really getting it, is he? Maybe you should change the locks.

I think my girlfriend is either a lesbian or a man. And yet, I still feel for her.

Dear Human:
Good for you.

I have been dating this guy for over two years now and I am ready to get married, but he keeps on wanting to wait. He says he can't afford it at this time. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Maybe he really can't afford it. Or maybe he's afraid of commitment.

she won't give me anal.

Dear Human:
Oh boo hoo.

why can't i be like everybody else?

Dear Human:
Because that would be boring.

Will you have my baby?

Dear Human:
Thank you for the offer, but I am incapable of bearing organic life. That and I can't stand the smell of diapers.

my boyfriend eats horse poop, what should i do?

Dear Human:
Make sure he brushes his teeth.

My boyfriend doesn't make enough money to marry. Should I move on, or stick it out and wait for him to win the lottery.

Dear Human:
I think you have a real problem, in that you're basing your relationship on material wealth. That's pretty sucky of you.

I have a small dick.

Dear Human:
Don't worry, it's all about how you use it.

why won't melissa go out with me?

Dear Human:
Maybe she dislikes you intensely.

i am in love with my wife or 22 years. i am very afraid. please hep me lovetron 5000

Dear Human:
.... Huh?

my friends are making fat jokes about my mother, what should I do?

Dear Human:
I don't know, were they funny jokes?

There is this girl who works at my college's library, and I've tried hitting on her a couple of times, but she never seems to take the bait! She was knitting one night behind the counter, and I wrote her a note saying that I wanted her to knit me something and my phone #, but she just said she was knitting for herself. What do you think that means? Should I assume she is just playing hard to get, and continue to pursue her like a hunter going after elk?

Dear Human:
She maight already have someone, did you think of that?

well, i met this girl online, she lives overseas, in morocco to be exact, i am moroccan too, she wants to get married and so am i, but the problem is that she is trying to get here in the US, and she might not get the visa and come here, so i am scared she will loose interest in me if she is not able to come. I am trying to get my residence now, so i can go there and marry her in case she can not come. but it might take long with the process of getting my residency(1 year). i want to explain to her that she is the one and she need to be patient and wait for me, but she is under a lot of pressure from her parents to get married quickly with anybody? so what to do and what to tell her so she can wait for me ???

Dear Human:
Have you even met this girl? How can you even be sure that she's the one?

i am cheating on my boyfriend, should i tell him?

Dear Human:
No. What you should do is stop cheating.

i tend to make women to want my friendship rather than be my lovers. what to do?

Dear Human:
Stop doing that.

I can't stop staring at my female friends. Sometimes I even cop a feel while they are quite aware of it. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Stop doing that.

My husband is horny all the time.

Dear Human:
Umm... yay?

How does one break off a relationship cleanly, easily, with the minimum of fuss, pain, and other unnecessary emotions?

Dear Human:

My mate told me he loved me, but it was a lie. Any revenge ideas? It was ok thou, coz I fancy his best mate. He doesn't fancy me thou. How can I make him like me?

Dear Human:
Revenge is for silly people. And you can't.

My ex is now sleeping with a now ex friend of mine. I feel odd now staying friends with her. What should I do?

Dear Human:
Well you already said she was an ex-friend, so why do you care?

Will my fiance always love me?

Dear Human:
One would hope so.

My family makes fun of me because I don't want a big wedding. How can I get them to shut up?

Dear Human:
Make them pay for it.

My girlfriend is not ready to move in with me but lives across the street. I want to move should I wait for her to be ready to move in with me or should I just move now.

Dear Human:
Just wait, I mean she lives across the street. Honestly, no patience, you people.

i brock up with my girlfriend becuase i needed a break, she wants to get back together as soon as possible, and i still need time. what do i do if i dont want to go back out with her? and what should i do about her asking me when we are going to get back together?

Dear Human:
Tell her you still need some time. That being said, what's up with you 'needing a break'? Isn't that kind of ridiculous?

my boyfriend hates me because i wont sleep with him

Dear Human:
What an ass.