[Interrogation] [Cast] [Indulgences] [Torments] [Dungeon Sites]

Welcome to Inquisition Times!

Be it known throughout the realm that you are Godless Heathen
#
to enter the Bishop's Palace.
The Holy Office commends your chutzpah in facing this Tribunal armed solely with your witchy ways.


You are about to experience the magic, the mystery, and the majesty of North America’s #1 Theme Restaurant and Dinner Theatre of Cruelty, the Spectacle that has thrilled more than 15 million visitors, the Show that has become a Legend...

Come experience...
Heavenly rewards for the wealthy and powerful. Merciless death for anyone stupid enough to actually refuse abjuration. And rollicking good times for all the God fearing Roman Catholics of the land!
It's the 15th century; the place is Spain. Unlike the fairly homogeneous country it is today, 15th century Spain is a place of great diversity - Catholics, Protestants, Gentiles, Jews, Muslims, and Moors all living and working together.

 
Auto da fe of the Day
Blasphemy and Sacrilege
Cavorting with Cathari
Blood Libel
Obstinacy
Usury
Birthmarks
Supernumerary Nipples
Eating Babies

*Ordeal may not be exactly as shown

Burn witch burn!


Begin with a Papal Interrogation

Covert or die. And none of that fake converting either!           *Crunch!*          Confess filthy heretic!          Hey, what's that smell? Ack! It's me...


His Royal Highness Ferdinand V of Aragon, who could have been King of all Spain if he weren't so pussy-whipped, has requested that you honor him with your presence for a doctrinaire evening of unendurable suffering and grand religious pageantry. His Royal Highness has invited over 1,000 friends, neighbors and foes to appear before the Supreme Tribunal of Rome. All you will witness and experience is based upon life as it was at the height of the Spanish Inquisition. Prepare to marvel at the cruelty, gag on the stench of burning human flesh, and gasp with suspense as whole families of insincere perverts attempt to convince you of their innocence.

Celebrate your Child's Next Birthday Like Royalty
Inquisition Times' Young Papist Club!
Sorry spawn of Satan, Roman Catholic kids Only!
Register Now and take part in our exciting Young Papist School 1999 Bull session. Email us for more information. Spaces are limited so don't wait for the Apocalypse!

 


Meet the Cast of Characters

"I wonder what that stupid nephew of mine is up to now?"
Pope Sixtus IV
"So what if my kids are all nuts, I found a brand new world, uninhabited by decent humans."
Isabella I of Castile
"At least I'm smart enough to know the world doesn't revolve around me."
Galileo Galilei
"I could have been a way more important King dammit."
Ferdinand V of Aragon
"Granny never should have spanked me for mutilating that kitten."
Tomás de Torquemada
"How kind of them to invite me back. I knew they had Christian hearts."
Filippo "Giordano" Bruno
The Pope - His Supreme Eminence Sixtus IV
Valorous Pontiff. Defending the Kingdom of Heaven and Christ's One True Church on Earth. Founder of the Inquisition. Infamous for his overt nepotism and embarrassing mismanagement of the Pazzi conspiracy. Strikes abject terror in the hearts of filthy heretics at the mere mention of his name. Most excellent taste in hats.
The King - His Royal Highness Ferdinand V of Aragon
Married first-cousin to snag the Castilian Crown. Bitch wife retained sovereign authority to spite him. Organized Santa Hermandad, AKA the "Holy Brotherhood." Conquered Oran, Tripoli, and Granada and expelled the Moors. Repossessed Roussillon province from those smelly French. Annexed kingdom of Navarre. Led the League of Cambrai against republic of Venice. Known for his cruelty, and his insatiable lust for political power and profiteroles au chocolat.
The Queen - Her Royal Highness Isabella I of Castile
Nickname: "la Católica." Sponsored the voyages of Christopher Columbus. Bore five children, including Catherine of Aragon, first wife of Henry VIII, and Joanna the Mad, mother of Charles V. Won a bitter succession battle causing the Carlist Wars. Went on to create one of the most ruthless and destructive colonial empires the world has ever seen.
The Inquisitor General of Aragon - Nicolas Eymeric
Street preacher and self-appointed demonology expert. Author of the Inquisitors' Hints & Tips, Directorium Inquisitorium. Jealously banned many books by other more popular authors. Holed-up in the papal court of Avignon after being banished from Aragon. Anti-Luilist and fierce defender of legitimacy of the Avignon popes. Giggles like a schoolgirl every time he hears the word Uranus.
The Grand Inquisitor - Tomás de Torquemada
From Valladolid comes our lawyer priest. Confessor to the Castilian monarchs. Appointed by Innocent VIII. Expelled Jews from Spain. Burned 2000 at the stake. Be not decieved by his vaguely effeminate demeanor, for he is a master of the instruments of torture and a ferocious foe of Lucifer. Grandson of converted Jews. Poison paranoia. Sleeps with a "unicorn's horn." Likes: Iron Maiden, Dislikes: The Marranos.
The Mathematician - Galileo Galilei
From the despicable gutter-city of Pisa. Villainous inventor of the microscope. Built a telescope and discovered the satellites of Jupiter. Also built a thermoscope and devised and constructed a geometrical and military compass. A vile affront to the honor of the Church who deserves the disdain of all decent folk. Believed to have been bewitched by "sunspots."
The Dominican Monk - Filippo "Giordano" Bruno
Oxford Lecturer and heterodox polymath. Versed in the demonic literature of Hermes Trismegistus. Suspected of using scientific instruments. Known Platonist and convert to Copernicanism. Watch this soulless apostate escape his wretched fate, then foolishly return to Rome to attend a "big barbecue."


Only the innocent will emerge alive -- oh wait, the innocent actually die in the process; only the guilty survive, and of course Christ's' infallible earthly representative insists that we execute them in the most brutal and humiliating manner imaginable, for the good of all Christendom
.


Save Up To $40 on Indulgences at Inquisition Times!
Throughout April, save $5 per adult and $3 per child (Sunday through Friday) with discount indulgences now available at most Taco Bell locations.

The following restrictions may apply:
Limit eight indulgences per sinner.
Not valid on Holy Feast Days, with group rates, for women or post-pubescent girls, or combined with other offers or deals with da dybbuk

*Coupons expire upon the return of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

 

Pick up your Inquisition Times discount indulgences and
BE SAVED!!!
Papal indulgences are available at all Papmark Stores.

Please note that indulgence coupons are valid only for the wealthy, and do not guarantee ordinary peasants' salvation or even one tiny shred of hope for those who have had sexual congress with daemons or whores.

 


Experience the Torments

Perhaps if we spread her legs apart?

Relive the glory of the Church of Rome, and cheer for your own degenerate heretic while you enjoy hour after grueling hour of her pain and suffering. This stomach-turning live show features a cast of over 100, as well as 25 of the finest trained executioners in the world.

Spinnin' Wheel

 

Say aaaaaaaaaah!

 

Tell me when to stop....Just kidding!

Witness a completely authentic public scourging! See the wicked scream in agony as the "Spanish Tickler" claws their flesh to bloody shreds and strips it off the bones of their face, abdomen, back, limbs, and breasts.

Cheer as the rusty points of the Heretic's Fork are rammed deep into the flesh and bone of the sternum and chins of the impenitent. Don't worry kids, after they're dead everyone receives the consolation of the sacrament of extreme unction.

See copulator scum squirm in their own filth atop the Judas Cradle as the jagged pyramid point pierces their anus, coccyx, vagina, and/or scrotum. Will the torturer "rock her slowly"? You'll have to come see our show to find out!
(Sorry, but in the interest of historical accuracy Inquisition Times does not use the electrified version so popular with today's Latin American dictators.
)

Gaze in awe at the Iron Maiden (ours is styled after Madonna!) as razor sharp spikes skewer the wretched unbelievers. After the show stick around and see their mutilated corpses tossed into a pit where they're impaled on a rack of keen iron blades.

Watch as the unrepentant are stripped naked and given a "good wheeling." Hear the nauseating crunch as every last bone and joint is smashed, and marvel at the exquisite technique used to artistically braid the shattered limbs into the splintery spokes.
(Time constraints prevent us from allowing you to see the corpses pecked apart by scavenging birds, but we do promise you'll see them hoisted!)

* Excrutiations may vary from dungeon to dungeon.

 

Rockin' Judas Cradle
 
 

And you thought eating with chopsticks was difficult!

 

This is one lady who won't take no for an answer!

 

1999 Millennial Admission Prices
Effective as of January 1, 1999
  Adults 12 & under
Sun. - Thur. $34.60 $25.95
Everyday
Fri. - Sat. $39.40
ADMISSION PRICE INCLUDES
4 Course Spanish Banquet
2 Trips to the Tapas Bar
Spectacular 2 Hour live show
2 Rounds of Beverages with Meal

Prices and show times remain subject to change without notice.
Prices in US dollars.
*Exorbitant taxes and humble gratitude are not included.

 

Ask about our Special Discounts for Hadassah Groups!
As low as $19.95 per "Nana"! (plus tax)

 


Dungeon Sites

Your personal trial of "faith by ordeal" awaits at any of the four terrifying Inquisition Times Dungeons. Everything you experience at Inquisition Times Theme Restaurant and Dinner Theatre of Cruelty is based upon life as it really was in an Inquisitor's Torture Chamber.

Modern amenities, wherever possible, have been removed to make your visit even more authentic. Drafty towers are maintained at bone-chilling temperatures. Banquet facilities, meeting rooms, and a "Witches' Coven" for dancing are just a few of the many features that will provide a unique experience for your next visit, conference, or party. Every Dungeon offers a full service cash bar.

Featured in Ken Russell's "The Devils" starring Oliver Reed.

We invite you to visit and be horrified by the filth and gore of any of our Dungeons.

Anti-semite central
Skokie, Illinois

Black folks welcome!
Jasper, Texas

Wtf are you looking at queerbait?
Laramie, Wyoming

Fuggedabouddit. We're not allowed to do anything fun in nyc anymore. :P
Times Square, N.Y.

 
Special Features
~Full service bar
~Full service Inquisition Times box office
~Enclosed "Frighten the Children" area with heathen corpses on display
~Nearly 85,000 square feet of squalor!
~Over 1400 expendable extras per performance in the Stinking Pit
~Customized packages for "special" events
~Outdoor courtyard area for bloodlettings
~Great for corporate degradations!
~Free membership in the Inquisition Times' Young Papist Club
~Fully licensed by the Church of Rome
~Open 365 days per year
~Close to many other major attractions
Show and cast available for outside events
(state executions, ren faires, bondage parties)

 

Show Schedule

Doors open 1˝ hours prior to interrogation time, so come by early and examine the prisoners, explore our Torture Chambers, visit our Museum of Hagiography, and participate in unique Inquisition Times demonstrations.
Show Schedule changes according to season and whims of the clergy.
Please email for information.

FREE PARKING!
* Our 11:00 am Matins are open to the public.

Watch for these exciting upcoming promotions:

Birthday Package & Ongoing Promotions.
Ask us to create a special event package for you and find
out about free admission through our Birthday Club!
This offer is not valid with any other discount offer,
and birthday recipient must provide proof of Church membership.
Offer valid during birth month only.
Celebates get in free if in the company of 3 full paying copulators!
Auto Club Members save 10% with valid AAA card.
10% Discount for Military and Seniors.
No discounts or special promotions on Sundays.

Ask about our Special Occasion Packages and AA Discount Program!

 
This deal's hotter than the fires of Hell!

Remember...
Inquisition Times Theme Restaurant and Dinner Theater of Cruelty is the perfect place
for any conference, meeting, or family function. Email our Group Sales Department
for information on hosting a truly unforgettable event. Inquisition Times carries
an extensive line of collectibles, unusual gift items and authentic period reproductions.

Coming Soon!

Meet the Captain!

Captain Cook's Gunboat Diplomacy Cafe

Another Great Attraction brought to you by the creators of Inquisition Times.

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