it known throughout the realm that you are Godless Heathen
to enter the Bishop's Palace.
The Holy Office commends your chutzpah in facing this Tribunal armed
solely with your witchy ways.
are about to experience the magic, the mystery, and the majesty
of North Americas #1 Theme Restaurant and Dinner Theatre
of Cruelty, the Spectacle that has thrilled more than 15 million
visitors, the Show that has become a Legend...
Heavenly rewards for the wealthy and powerful. Merciless death
for anyone stupid enough to actually refuse abjuration. And rollicking
good times for all the God fearing Roman Catholics of the land!
It's the 15th
century; the place is Spain. Unlike the fairly homogeneous country
it is today, 15th century Spain is a place of great diversity
- Catholics, Protestants, Gentiles, Jews, Muslims, and Moors all
living and working together.
|Auto da fe of the Day
|Blasphemy and Sacrilege
Cavorting with Cathari
may not be exactly as shown
a Papal Interrogation
His Royal Highness Ferdinand V of Aragon, who could have been
King of all Spain if he weren't so pussy-whipped, has requested
that you honor him with your presence for a doctrinaire evening
of unendurable suffering and grand religious pageantry. His Royal
Highness has invited over 1,000 friends, neighbors and foes to
appear before the Supreme Tribunal of Rome. All
you will witness and experience is based upon life as it was at
the height of the Spanish Inquisition. Prepare
to marvel at the cruelty, gag on the stench of burning human flesh,
and gasp with suspense as whole families of insincere perverts
attempt to convince you of their innocence.
|Celebrate your Child's
Next Birthday Like Royalty
Times' Young Papist Club!
spawn of Satan, Roman Catholic kids Only!
|Register Now and take part in our
exciting Young Papist School 1999 Bull session. Email
us for more information. Spaces are limited so don't wait
for the Apocalypse!
Meet the Cast
Pope Sixtus IV
Isabella I of Castile
Ferdinand V of
Tomás de Torquemada
|The Pope - His Supreme Eminence Sixtus IV
Valorous Pontiff. Defending the Kingdom of Heaven and Christ's
One True Church on Earth. Founder of the Inquisition. Infamous for
his overt nepotism and embarrassing mismanagement of the Pazzi conspiracy.
Strikes abject terror in the hearts of filthy heretics at the mere
mention of his name. Most excellent taste in hats.
King - His Royal Highness Ferdinand V of Aragon
Married first-cousin to snag the Castilian Crown. Bitch wife
retained sovereign authority to spite him. Organized Santa Hermandad,
AKA the "Holy Brotherhood." Conquered Oran, Tripoli, and
Granada and expelled the Moors. Repossessed Roussillon province from
those smelly French. Annexed kingdom of Navarre. Led the League of
Cambrai against republic of Venice. Known for his cruelty, and his
insatiable lust for political power and profiteroles au chocolat.
Queen - Her Royal Highness Isabella I of Castile
Nickname: "la Católica." Sponsored the voyages of Christopher
Columbus. Bore five children, including Catherine of Aragon, first
wife of Henry VIII, and Joanna the Mad, mother of Charles V. Won a
bitter succession battle causing the Carlist Wars. Went on to create
one of the most ruthless and destructive colonial empires the world
has ever seen.
|The Inquisitor General of Aragon - Nicolas
Street preacher and self-appointed demonology expert. Author
of the Inquisitors' Hints & Tips,
Directorium Inquisitorium. Jealously banned many books
by other more popular authors. Holed-up in the papal
court of Avignon after being banished
from Aragon. Anti-Luilist and fierce defender of legitimacy of the
Avignon popes. Giggles like a schoolgirl every time he hears the word
Grand Inquisitor - Tomás de Torquemada
From Valladolid comes our lawyer priest. Confessor to the Castilian
monarchs. Appointed by Innocent VIII. Expelled Jews from Spain. Burned
2000 at the stake. Be not decieved by his vaguely effeminate demeanor,
for he is a master of the instruments of torture and a ferocious foe
of Lucifer. Grandson of converted Jews. Poison paranoia.
Sleeps with a "unicorn's horn." Likes: Iron Maiden, Dislikes:
Mathematician - Galileo Galilei
From the despicable gutter-city of Pisa. Villainous inventor
of the microscope. Built a telescope and discovered the satellites
of Jupiter. Also built a thermoscope and devised and constructed a
geometrical and military compass. A vile affront to the honor of the
Church who deserves the disdain of all decent folk. Believed to have
been bewitched by "sunspots."
Dominican Monk - Filippo "Giordano" Bruno
and heterodox polymath. Versed in the demonic literature of Hermes
Trismegistus. Suspected of using scientific instruments. Known Platonist
and convert to Copernicanism. Watch this soulless apostate escape
his wretched fate, then foolishly return to Rome to attend a "big
Only the innocent will emerge alive -- oh wait, the innocent actually
die in the process; only the guilty survive, and of course Christ's'
infallible earthly representative insists that we execute them
in the most brutal and humiliating manner imaginable, for the
good of all Christendom.
Save Up To $40 on Indulgences
at Inquisition Times!
April, save $5 per adult and $3 per child (Sunday through
Friday) with discount indulgences now available at most
Taco Bell locations.
following restrictions may apply:
Limit eight indulgences per sinner. Not valid on Holy Feast Days, with group rates, for women or
post-pubescent girls, or combined with other offers or
deals with da dybbuk
expire upon the return of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Pick up your Inquisition
Times discount indulgences and
Papal indulgences are available at all
Please note that indulgence
coupons are valid only for the wealthy, and do not guarantee
ordinary peasants' salvation or even one tiny shred of
hope for those who have had sexual congress with daemons
the glory of the Church of Rome, and cheer for your own degenerate
heretic while you enjoy hour after grueling hour of her pain and
suffering. This stomach-turning live show features a cast of over
100, as well as 25 of the finest trained executioners in the world.
a completely authentic public scourging! See the wicked scream in
agony as the "Spanish Tickler" claws their flesh to bloody
shreds and strips it off the bones of their face, abdomen, back,
limbs, and breasts.
as the rusty points of the Heretic's Fork are rammed deep into the
flesh and bone of the sternum and chins of the impenitent. Don't
worry kids, after they're dead everyone receives the consolation
of the sacrament of extreme unction.
copulator scum squirm in their own filth atop the Judas Cradle as
the jagged pyramid point pierces their anus, coccyx, vagina, and/or
scrotum. Will the torturer "rock her slowly"? You'll have
to come see our show to find out!
(Sorry, but in the interest of historical accuracy
Inquisition Times does not use the electrified version so
popular with today's Latin American dictators.)
in awe at the Iron Maiden (ours is styled after Madonna!) as razor
sharp spikes skewer the wretched unbelievers. After the show stick
around and see their mutilated corpses tossed into a pit where they're
impaled on a rack of keen iron blades.
as the unrepentant are stripped naked and given a "good wheeling."
Hear the nauseating crunch as every last bone and joint is smashed,
and marvel at the exquisite technique used to artistically braid
the shattered limbs into the splintery spokes.
(Time constraints prevent us from allowing you to
see the corpses pecked apart by scavenging birds, but we do promise
you'll see them hoisted!)
Excrutiations may vary from dungeon to dungeon.
Millennial Admission Prices
Effective as of January 1, 1999
|4 Course Spanish Banquet
2 Trips to the Tapas Bar
Spectacular 2 Hour live show
2 Rounds of Beverages with Meal
Prices and show times remain subject
to change without notice.
Prices in US dollars.
*Exorbitant taxes and humble gratitude
are not included.
Ask about our Special Discounts for
As low as $19.95 per "Nana"!
personal trial of "faith by ordeal" awaits at any of
the four terrifying Inquisition Times Dungeons. Everything you
experience at Inquisition Times Theme Restaurant and Dinner Theatre
of Cruelty is based upon life as it really was in an Inquisitor's
amenities, wherever possible, have been removed to make your visit
even more authentic. Drafty towers are maintained at bone-chilling
temperatures. Banquet facilities, meeting rooms, and a "Witches'
Coven" for dancing are just a few of the many features that
will provide a unique experience for your next visit, conference,
or party. Every Dungeon offers a full service cash bar.
in Ken Russell's "The
invite you to visit and be horrified by the filth and gore of any
of our Dungeons.
| ~Full service bar
~Full service Inquisition Times box office
~Enclosed "Frighten the Children" area with heathen
corpses on display
~Nearly 85,000 square feet of squalor!
~Over 1400 expendable extras per performance in the Stinking
~Customized packages for "special" events
~Outdoor courtyard area for bloodlettings
~Great for corporate degradations!
~Free membership in the Inquisition Times' Young Papist
~Fully licensed by the Church of Rome
~Open 365 days per year
~Close to many other major attractions
and cast available for outside events
(state executions, ren faires, bondage parties)
Doors open 1˝ hours prior
to interrogation time, so come by early and examine the
prisoners, explore our Torture Chambers, visit our Museum
of Hagiography, and participate in unique Inquisition
Show Schedule changes according to season and
whims of the clergy.
Our 11:00 am Matins are open to the public.
for these exciting upcoming promotions:
Package & Ongoing Promotions.
Ask us to create a special event package for you and find
out about free admission through our Birthday Club!
This offer is not valid with any other discount offer,
and birthday recipient must provide proof of Church membership.
Offer valid during birth month only.
Celebates get in free if in the company of 3 full paying copulators!
Auto Club Members save 10% with valid AAA card.
10% Discount for Military and Seniors.
No discounts or special promotions on Sundays.
about our Special Occasion Packages and AA Discount Program!
Inquisition Times Theme Restaurant and Dinner Theater of Cruelty
is the perfect place
for any conference, meeting, or family function. Email
our Group Sales Department
for information on hosting a truly unforgettable event. Inquisition
an extensive line of collectibles, unusual gift items and authentic
Cook's Gunboat Diplomacy Cafe
Another Great Attraction brought to you by the creators of Inquisition
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