YPL Back-to-School Cootie Central

Cootie Season is upon us again, and YPL has a potent solution.

This girl wants to remain Cooties free! That's why she's getting a seasonal Cooties booster vaccination.

Cooties, sometimes colloquially referred to as "the Ickies," is an acute, extremely infectious condition characterized by symptoms that can range from paste eating and a mild liverwurst aroma, to excessive flatulence and frequent wetting "accidents." Severe epidemics of the Cooties have been reported in many parts of the world, the great Netherlands pandemic of 1967-76 being the longest recorded sustained incidence. Traditionally Cootie control is based on the public administration of scolding, name-calling, peer pressure, and of course Cootie shots, which must be injected with a grotesquely large hypodermic syringe. Cooties is believed to enter the body through the bellybutton. From there it spreads like wildfire, clogging up a variety of mucous membranes as it goes, and eventually emerging as a viscous, smelly, green or yellow, or in some cases greenish yellow, slimy substance.

Fact: New kids often have Cooties -- Run away, or just throw fish sticks!

Magnification of captive Cooties in YPL's "Top Secret" undersea Cootie-Hazard containment facility.

Although having a case of the Cooties is not usually fatal, it is every single bit as contagious as it is deadly to your social life. And unlike those harmless flecks of dandruff, which are repulsive but can easily be brushed away, a bad case of the Cooties can oftimes be as tenacious as a horny poodle clinging to the leg of your highwater dungarees. Furthermore, if even one child in a family is found to have Cooties "guilt by association" has probably already affected all of their siblings, making it imperative that the entire family be examined and treated by a YPL professional. And, even if only one child in a classroom is found to have Cooties precautions must be taken immediately to minimize the risk of exposure to others, as well as the probability of monkeyshines, horseplay, "tacked" seats, airborne rubber bands, spit-balls, paper airplanes, or any other flying projectiles which could easily put someone's eye right out of their head.

Fact: Salting slugs is not a sign of Cooties; having fat, ugly friends is.

These youngsters chase a Cooties carrier after flushing him out of his hiding place. Run kids! Run!

Sometimes, other children may spot some of the more subtle symptoms of Cooties before adults take notice. If more than one child, or just one very large child, suspects another child of being a Cooties carrier the child in question should be promptly isolated until tests can be administered and the results analyzed. Then the tike's parents should be made to come down to the school to encourage the taunting and beating of the youngster along with their teachers, schoolmates, and anyone else who relishes any opportunity to scar kids emotionally for life. If a child has already undergone an expensive and uncomfortable battery of tests and has received a diagnosis of mild Cooties, strapping them down to a cold metal table and treating them with an intravenous infusion (Urinol-9 is one commonly used agent) should ensure the child's prompt return to the classroom the next day, as well as night terrors for many years to come.

Fact: If you swallow an apple seed a tree will grow inside your tummy.

YPL Specialists monitor an infected child's Cooties levels using experimental detection devices.

More than 80 percent of the children who suffer from Cooties recover within one school-week without the permanent acquisition of an unflattering nickname. However, when the condition is more severe, the child may become such an irritating pain in the neck to one and all that they must be locked away, or even sold to a wandering band of gypsies, in order to ensure their own continued safety and well-being. Repeated bouts of Cooties often results in the total annihilation of already fragile self-esteem, and getting picked last for darn near everything except the math team. Among the many predisposing factors, age is the most important, with small children and pubescent youngsters being most often affected. Some other predisposing factors include bedwetting, belching the alphabet, frequent exposure of the buttocks and/or pubic area, strenuous public masturbation, potty mouth, sudden projectile vomitting, noxious B.O., and "Toxic Sock Syndrome."

Your own child could already have Cooties!
Here are some of the alarming symptoms to watch for:

FRUITY HAIRCUT AND/OR MONOBROW OVERSIZED EARFLAPS WEARS A DICKEY AND/OR BOW TIE BEST FRIEND IS INVISIBLE HOLDING HANDS WITH A GIRL POOR BLADDER AND/OR SPHINCTER CONTROL BASKET OF KREPLACH SKINNY CHICKEN LEGS WEBBED TOES

FLAT "HAT HAIR" PASTE AND/OR BOOGER EATER PECULIAR LIVERWURST AROMA BEST FRIEND IS STUFFED HOLDING HANDS WITH A BOY JUNGLEGYM PANTY EXPOSURE SCAB PICKER FAT "PIANO LEGS" DOGGIE DOODIE ON SHOE

Fact: Mixing Pop Rocks and Pepsi makes your head explode.

Children with very severe Cooties pass the days in one of YPL's patented "Cootie Catcher" tanks.		These girls must stand for hours airing out their nether regions in an unheated gymnasium.

Fact: If you keep making that face while reading this it is going to stick!

YPL's March of Dweebs Urgently Needs You to Contribute "Real" Money to Fund Our Lavish Cooties Research Centers, Vaccination Efforts, Reeducation Camps, and Mobile Cootie Crisis Containment Units

Won't you please do your part to help YPL combat Cooties by sending us the entire contents of your piggy bank today.

Do you want to help? Or do you simply wish to report a child with Cooties to the proper officials and government authorities? Write to us for details!